Life Falling Apart, Need Help
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 08-24-2005 - 11:41am |
I've only posted here once or twice before, but I'm at my wits end. My story is really too depressing to write out at once, but here's the problem I'm facing right now:
I have a totally physically handicapped DS7. My H and I separated a few years ago because he was too rough with me. He got help, and I thought he got better. To his credit, he hasn't been rough me me since we reconciled a year and a half ago. But he has been way too rough with DS. It's not an anger thing, it's more like he's just a rough person. He's loud (but sweet), he's ambitious, aggressive, very successful, very intelligent, and lives life large. Anyhows, he was too rough with DS last weekend and broke DS's arm. I threw him out immediately. He's been gone for 1 week.
I can't face the prospect of my life as a single mother of a handicapped child. I'm a successful professional. I also have a wonderful DD11 who is very supportive. Both kids understand I had to throw dad out because he has to learn how to interact safely with DS.
Despite a number of challenges in my life, I'm usually a very upbeat and positive person. Not so much since this incident happened, obviously. I have always hovered on the manic end of bipolar. Consistent with these manic tendencies, I've been scheming since this all happened to try to figure out some reason to go on. I'm thinking of putting my brand new handicapped accessible house up for sale (this afternoon) and moving across the country, quitting my job and calling a headhunter to get me a high-paying job with a NYC law firm, going on Match.com and trying to meet someone new, etc. Nothing small here. All gigantic decisions that frankly I'm in no shape to make right now. I just want to turn my life on its head so I can find some reason not to kill myself.
I saw my pdoc this morning and she prescribed risperdal and trileptal. Does anyone have any experience with these drugs??? or with this idea of making huge, impulsive life-altering decisions in the throes of a manic episode???? I can't really rest, I'm "uncomfortable" no matter where I am. The only thing I seem to be any good at right now is my work, which is saving my sanity. Without my practice, I swear I'd have jumped by now.
Someone please help. Thanks for reading this. Love, Mo.


Mo, honey! Calm down, please...try to slow down...i know how hard that is...I've read your posts on your other board.
YES, by ALL means, that is very consistent with being very manic right now. Did you tell your pdoc this? What did she say? Risperdal might bring you down some. Its an antipsychotic and is used to quiet a manic episode, stop the racing and/or intrusive thoughts...Trileptal is a mood stabilzer and takes a bit of time to build up in your system. Have you been on either of them very long, or are they new meds? Please let me know.
DO NOT MAKE ANY DECISIONS RIGHT NOW! These you describe are WAY too life altering and are not rational. They are manic decisions and are not real. This episode has been triggered by your dh breaking your ds7's arm and your having him leave. You need/have to work through this, but you can't even begin to work through it honey until the mania is GONE. That's why its so important that you told your pdoc everything.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have been there done that...not the arm thing, but the dh leaving and triggering a mania...a BIG TIME mania, and it had major repercussions for me. So please, slow down, and don't make any decisions. If you didn't tell your pdoc, call her. If you did, take your meds, and MAKE yourself slow down. SOMEHOW. If you can't, call pdoc back. I don't care if you have to call a million times. This is important.
We're here. I'll be checking all day. Post whatever, whenever. Okay?
I know exactly what you are going through.
Love and Hugs,
Keli
Dear Keli: Thanks so much for your response and identification. Yes, I shared all of this with my pdoc and my therapist. Both feel that my reaction is "normal" for someone who is manic and going thru a huge life crisis. I took trileptal during the day and it helped some, but then the nurse at DS's camp called to ask me to come get him because he's sick. He has a bit of chest congestion, but with being physically handicapped you can never take these things lightly because they quickly turn to pneumonia. So now he's back home with me and I'm using all the respiratory equipment trying to keep him out of the hospital. (This week is my only respite for the year, he was at MDA camp for 6 days and I had to bring him home after only 3 nights. UGH.)
Yes, yes, I know there's something wrong with my thinking. I just dont know how to stop myself. My whole life is spinning out of control right now. I'm not sure what other board you've seen me on, but you're probably aware of more details about my life that are making this time particularly tragic.
Please tell me how you slowed yourself down during your similar experience. I desperately need help. Tomorrow I'm hostage in my house because I'll be home treating DS all day and I never do well under those circumstances. Thanks for your response. Love, Mo.
Hey Mo...actually, i really hate to tell you this...but most times in the past, the only way i "slowed" myself down was going into the hospital...HOWEVER, now, I take Seroquel which is an antispychotic med too, like Risperdal. But, its VERY sedating, and with your son, you probably can't sleep 24/7. Other than that, I haven't found any other way to do it. That's what's so dangerous about my manias. Right now I'm cycing very very rapidly and its making me nuts. I was up up up yesterday and down down down DOWN DOWN DOWN today and I hate it. Hang in there...call your pdoc as much as you need too as well. They expect it, and you are entitled to it.
I'll be checking in all day too. I see you mostly on the Depression board.
Hugs!
Keli
Hi Keli: the risperdal seemed to help alittle bit. I have taken seroquel in the past but it knocked me flat on my butt. You're right, because I'm now the single mother of a handicapped little boy (and a perfectly wonderful DD11) I can't be out of it all day and night. The risperdal wasn't as strong. I'm still cycling a bit today but it's not as bad as yesterday. The problem for me is that I never seem to have those DOWN days. I either cycle or I'm normal (or as close to normal as we ever get! LOL). I'm really thankful for that. But I'm not going to take the risperdal tonight because I have a client appt. at 9:00 a.m. tomorrow and then I have to be in court at 11:00a.m. You know, in a very bizarre way, my mania actually helps me get thru all the things I have. Sometimes its almost like a mixed blessing cause I'm able to get such an incredible amount accomplished in a day. The downside is what goes on in my head - and believe you me it's crazy in there most days. So glad my clients have no idea what I'm really all about! LOL.
I just can't seem to sit it this mess with my newly broken-up marriage and let it work itself out. I want it worked out NOW. Some people are telling me I'm being waaaaayyyy to hard on the H, that he's otherwise a really great father and husband, makes lots of money and is extremely supportive. Other people are simply able to isolate this incident and say "he broke your son's arm, he's out of there." It's not that I'm looking to other people for advice so much, but people do feel free to offer it whether they're asked or not!!!! So at any given moment I can convince myself that we can reconcile (yet again) and save this marriage, and in 5 more minutes I'm ready to log on to Match.com and hunt down another H. For some reason, I guess because I'm been married for 19 years, I can't seem to be comfortable alone. And its when I'm alone that the voices in my head (the "Committee") really speak up. When I'm at work, I'm so much better.
Thanks so much for checking on me. Love, Mo.