uncomfortable day-trigs

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
uncomfortable day-trigs
3
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 7:22am
Well I am still alive. But very, very sore! Lord yesterday was miserable. I spent most of it sitting on the stairs trying to throw myself down and trying NOT to throw myself down. I kept breaking into these horrible soaking sweats and I shook so hard I could barely get the doors open. I took several minor falls. I wondered up and down,up and down five flights of stairs. I sat down and tried to roll down, but my body jerked automatically preventing my fall. I hung onto the railing for 45 minutes at a stretch trying to fall and trying to prevent it. It's almost as if I had two people in there. One wanting to die and the other fighting to stay alive. Today I am so sore, I can hardly walk. Especially my legs. It even hurt to lift my foot to put it on the gas peddle. When I got home my mother informed me that I had not paid my DH's credit card at all last month (apparently I had thrown it away) and they were threatening to take away his good interst rate. That did it! I went downstairs and pulled out all my pills and stuffed them into my purse. I wrote my DH a farewell letter and just sat on the bed staring out the window. My plan was to drive to a remote parking lot and down all of them. I wanted ONE good reason not to do it. Guilt... The guilt finally won over. For the moment. Fortunately I see my TDOC today and PDOC on Friday. My PDOC would freak out if she knew my thoughts yesterday. But every time I go IP I am more miserable then when I got there and I just want to go home. What a vicious cycle. I was relieved to learn that we still have a small amount of money in the bank. We get paid tomorrow so we shouldn't overdraw. I am really hoping we don't. Well I will be really sore today, the consequences of my actions yesterday.
Hope everyone has a better day today!
Jodie

Jodie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 9:11am

Jodie


I'm so sorry for the day you had yesterday, and that you are so sore today.


That is really sad your mom has to add to it with bills.

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Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 4:21pm

(((jodie)))


Good to see you here today. I hope you're feeling better than yesterday. Sorry that you are hurting so much.


Hang in there.


Love and hugs,
Amanda

co-cl of the Get Organized board

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 08-25-2005 - 10:07pm

Jodie,


I'm so gald you're doing a bit better, even if you are sore!