Ugh..I finally hit bottom...poss trigs
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 08-25-2005 - 9:23pm |
So I spent all day in bed, except for 4 hours and 2 of which were watching a movie. I had to help the kids with their homework but I barely did that...and I was mean and yelling and we had hotdogs and nothing else for dinner and everyone was like...what the hell? I want to eat eveything in the whole house and DH just ignores it completely. I mean I dunno what I expect him to do anyways, its not like when he does try to help it actually works. I at least want him to acknowledge that something is wrong. I start school on Monday so it figures I would hit bottom right before that, I havent been able to do decent in school...since like highschool when I had no stress at all. I am almost positive I am not going to be able to hack it this semester, but I have no choice. I cant quit because we cant afford to pay back the student loans right now, I cant take less than full time or I lose my scholarship and cant go at all, and I have to keep at least a 2.0. Of course DH says the other day "I hope you can handle school and the kids and cleaning and cooking just like you can now" So that means I am gonna get TONS of help around here. I dont even really want to go to school. I havent had a job for more than a month in my entire life, and I can barely stand living even without that stress, so it seems completely pointless to go to school for all this time and not do anything with my degree yanno? It seems like a waste of time and effort and money, but I dunno, I guess I go just so I can say I did it. My entire family thinks I am the biggest loser on the planet and never expected anything out of me, except to do good in school. Its like all my worth to my family is centered around my grades. They know I screw up everything else but I have always been able to do that, so I kinda just got used to the idea that school was all I was good at so I might as well stick with it. After my brain surgery, my memory went to hell and school got SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much harder. I used to joke and say I had to learn how to be dumb. I guess it has been a good thing though, I never had to study or even try in school when I was younger, and I always looked down on people who werent very smart because I didnt understand how they didnt "get it" yanno? But then when I became a not so smart person who had to study my a** off to get a C, then I gained a new appreciation for people with not so great intelligence. So it was a good thing in that respect, but it didnt help with the BP and ADHD, I never paid much attention to all of that when I was younger because I was able to get through life really easy with no stress at home and none at school, but once things got harder, when I got married and was in college and had the kids and brain surgery, I just kinda flaked out....and have stayed that way for years. So I am totally freaking out about going to school on Monday. I have to take the bus which totally blows but at least DH is gonna pick me up after classes. I know I am gonna want to quit school around midterms and will have to suck it up through the end, but the good news is I only have 3 more semesters...and I might be worrying for nothing, because I took a class over the summer and got an A in it. I thought about jumping off a bridge today, I really hate when those thoughts come. How in the hell am I supposed to go through life and raise kids and take care of the house and just function when I am so messed up that I cant get out of bed most of my down days? Before I met DH, I barely ever cleaned, my house was just gross...except on my manic days..then it was really really clean, I didnt take the kids to preschool just because I didnt want to get out of bed and get dressed to take the bus up there. I fed them and went back to bed..I was a horrible parent, and I feel like I still am, so I might as well not even be here at all. DH is going to adopt them soon and when he does, I wont have any reason to stay because then my mother wont get custody, their father is dead so I dont have to worry about that. That is the only reason I am alive now, is because I dont want my family to ever have custody of them. I hate thinking like this, I wish I was normal, my God I dont know what "normal" really is, I dont know that I have ever seen it, maybe DH's grandmother is normal, and his family seems so strange to me, they are calm and quiet and seem at peace with life pretty much...is that normal?? I dont know. I always thought I was irrational, even as an adult I wanted to be a princess, not for the money or anything but just because in fairytales the princesses were always happy. I want to really be happy for once in my life. People talk about the days their kids were born or got married and all this was the happiest day of their life. I just felt blah, not bad but not happy either. It was just like, well its over and done with, they are born, I am married end of story. No real emotion good or bad. I hate that. I want to really be happy. SOrry I vented so much
Rebekah


Rebekah,
Stop and take a big deep breath, now let it out slowly!