Tracey (and anyone...) trigs, i guess
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| Fri, 08-26-2005 - 9:03am |
I feel so alone...yes, there are people around me...the board here...my family, but that's just a nightmare...let's break that down...i'm am making my dh absolutely miserable...why? because I am miserable...somebody else has to be miserable WITH me...then my heart breaks because I've made him miserable and I want to hurt myself or punish myself because I've hurt (or irritated) him (or my mom, my son, keep going...) and I can't stop!
There is no point to this. I'm going to stop typing now. I'll just start crying in a minute anyway. I'm just a big mess.
I am losing weight though...don't know how much, cuz dh threw away my scale cuz i was gettin on it 6 or 7 or 20 times a day. But my face gets thinner. I don't know, maybe its all in my head...hahahahahahahaha....
I am crazy for real...Becky was right when she said crazy and I just freaked because she was right.
I need to go away somewhere by myself...NO, NOT THE HOSPITAL and just be alone so I can't hurt anyone anymore. Good thing I don't have any money. God knows exactly what He is doing.
My parents are coming to get me tonight. So I get to pretend all weekend that everything is just freaking DUCKY.
I guess pretending keeps me alive these days.
Please don't tell me I am strong. I don't want to be strong. I don't want to HAVE to be strong. I just want to be okay. And its getting more and more obvious every day that isn't going to happen.
I want to tell my dh to go. He would be happier in the long run without me around. Maybe even now. I'm a burden, I am, so don't tell me I'm not. HOW CAN I NOT BE? My moods are going like crazy, I am a mess...I am mean and stressed and a mess...and I don't see any end in sight. How can I ask him to stay with me like this for the rest of my life??? HOW? It isn't fair to him. I HAVE to live with myself...well, maybe...but he doesn't have to live like we have been living for the last couple of months. He doesn't have to. I can change that for him. He says he just gets stressed and in bad moods, but he is still in love with me. But I don't want him to have to go through it all the time...its MY bipolar, not his.
I'm just very alone right now. very very very alone. nobody gets it...i am alone in this...yeah, you guys understand...but i have NOBODY HERE where i live to talk to that understands, and i just cannot concentrate enough to explain it...i still haven't told dh about my pdoc appt the other day...course he didn't speak to me til last night for 2 days...see what i mean? he hates me sometimes...
stupid pdoc won't give me antidepressants anymore period...and i can't ever stop crying...i cry every single day, all day long...when i am not crying, i'm screaming, i'm raging, angry...i go from one to the other...at work, at home, at the store...i can't take it...i just can't take it.
can't call pdoc, she is off on fridays.
i'm stuck on stuck.

((((Keli)))))
well, I really have no idea what to say.
Your dh loves you,
God could not be everywhere, so
hey donna,
i'm more venting than anything else...thanks for responding...you do help...
i would be more miserable than anything in the whole world without him, but i hate how much my BP affects eveyrone around me. i really do.
maybe therapy will help.
things will be a LOT better when i get paid next week, i know that...i am taking a BP day off work (lol) next wednesday and maybe i will splurge just a tiny bit and do something nice for myself...i dunno. gotta get meds, and pay for therapy, so we will see.
i really don't mind going to my parents this weekend...i will be out of my house and that's actually quite important this weekend.
sorry for worrying you.
i'll be okay...just need to talk out the bad thoughts sometimes.
love and hugs,
k.
I guess too...that I've been on the other end.
God could not be everywhere, so
Hi Keli,
I am sooooo sorry you are having such a rough time. From everything I've heard and read, that sense of isolation is pretty common for BP sufferers (in other words, it's a symptom of BP like all the other crappy symptoms) You are NOT alone. You have a family that loves you, friends, and the people on this board who all understand (or at least try to understand) what you're feeling. All we can do is take things one day (or one hour, or one minute) at a time, sometimes, and wait for the storms to pass.
Sending you lots of strength and positive thoughts for today... Hang in there!
Catherine
Keli,
DH is there because he LOVES YOU, even when BP makes you do and say terrible things.
you vent ALL you want...ok?
why won't your doc give you AD's????????????????????
((((((((((((((Keli)))))))))))))))
I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. I wish I could take it all away.
Believe me when I say you are a wonderful person and no one in your life is better off without you.
I know it's hard, but believe that people love you. I am one of them!
Love,
Amanda
co-cl of the Get Organized board