having a hard time - trigs

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
having a hard time - trigs
9
Sat, 08-27-2005 - 3:26pm

weekends are generally hard on me when the bp is acting up. it is getting really bad. the thoughts are going a mile a minute and i can't shut them up. i know i probably should call tdoc but i can't. i bug her more than i should and there's always the fear of i/p. i just don't know what to do. the thoughts are bad thoughts and they're screaming through my head. i need to stop them. i'm hurting.


traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Sat, 08-27-2005 - 6:48pm

Traci,


You CAN get through this, you are one tough lady and I know you can do it, as hard as it is.

Avatar for littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 12:17pm
hope you're making it through the weekend OK, let us know!

littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 12:43pm

i'm here. trying to hang on and beat this mess. the thoughts are starting to get the best of me. i'm not proud of where i'm at. thanks for asking.


traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 1:34pm

it's looking like i'm going to be calling tdoc. i busied myself by emptying out my email and then i tried reading and listening to music. when the music didn't work,that was the kicker. i'm scared to call tdoc though. you know why. but i'm afraid of what will happen if i don't.


i'm a mess right now. i'm sorry.


traci

Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 5:28pm

((((Traci))))


Don't apologize for being a mess. That's why this board is here.


Did you call tdoc? How'd it go?


Lots of hugs and love coming your way.


Amanda

co-cl of the Get Organized board

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sun, 08-28-2005 - 5:37pm

amanda thank you. i did call tdoc but got her voice mail. so i just left a message for her to call me if she gets a chance. i don't know, i'm scared that she'll call back and i'm scared if she doesn't. i have an appointment with her in the morning at 9:00 so i've got to get it together before then. i haven't been this out of control in a long time and i hate it. i'm tempted to just stop taking the meds cause they obviously aren't working. but tdoc would really go off on me if

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 3:13pm

i'm not exactly proud of myself either...my thoughts are bad, my actions are bad...i've been out of control mean...BUT, you HAVE to force yourself to get it together...i know that isn't easy...look at me...i've been "forcing" myself to get it together for months now...the meds won't do it by themselves, trac, you know that. they help, they help TONS, but they aren't the cure-all, fix all, hon. it sucks, and it sucks BAD. i am to the point of going i/p if i don't get relief soon...but i'm not there yet...we're basically in the same place right now...so, we'll work through it together. WORK, yes...it takes HARD, gut-wrenching work...i don't know where we can start, but we HAVE to start. any ideas? what is most important right now? safety. our number one priority. we both have kids and jobs...that need us...SO, with that in mind...for every NEGATIVE thought, we are going to replace it with something positive...its really hard for me right now, because i am flat broke...until wednesday...now, for some, that's not a very long time...but when it comes time to feed your kid, or have gas money enough in your car to get to work, its a LONG time...i have SO much stress in my life right now, that the easiest thing possible for me is to not be around for it...but that's not an option. So, i have to try to replace those negative thoughts with something positive to reprogram my brain...i don't know exactly HOW, but i'm going to try.

i know i may not make much sense right now, traci...but if i can do this, you can do this, and vice versa...we cannot give up. okay?

i wish i knew what to say to get us out of this hole we're both in...but there is no easy fix. we have to fight tooth and nail for it, and we have to find it deep within ourselves. we have BOTH done it before.

do you remember how? :) sorry, just trying for a little humor.

tonight is going to be particularly stressful. so, i have to have a plan...i am going to go home, take my meds early, take a shower and wash my hair and play it by ear. i might try to read, but i haven't been able to do that in a long time now...i will most likely lay down and watch t.v. and go to sleep early. i hate that, but right now, its all i have.

now, i do have something to look forward to. i am taking wednesday off...i'm going to pick up my son from school when he gets out at 1:30 and we're going to hang out and do some stuff...errand type stuff yeah...but i'm going to get my hair cut and colored blonde...i'm going to finally get groceries in my house again (thank you God) and i'm going to look at cars...this weekend, since its long, i'm going to spend half of it with my mom, and take her to the movies, and then the other half, me and my dh are going out to dinner and will have some drinks...haven't done that in ages. i have therapy on thursday evening...i am trying to rebuild my life and STOP catastrophising EVERYTHING in my whole life. that's hard, but i'm so excited about a new life. i am also moving in about 6-8 months to another side of town.

anyway, sorry to ramble on and on...

we can do this, traci...YOU can do this, i know it...you've done it before, and you will do it again. we're in it together. you're never alone.

always hugs,

k.

Avatar for littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 3:29pm
Traci, how did your appt go? I hope you're in a better space, I am so sorry you are hurting so much. You know we all wish we could just make it vanish. Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you!

littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 10:57pm

keli,


if i can hold you up in any way, let me know what to do and i will do it. my arms hurt, as i'm using a rubber band technique to not do the other and my arms look like they've been through a war. i'm really trying to stay out of the hospital and so far so good. telling tdoc didn't have the disastrous effects i convinced myself it would. of course now i have to worry about pdoc's reaction when she tells him how i've spent the past week.


i feel like i've let everyone here down. i thought i'd gotten past the really bad stuff last winter. only to find it's back. but i'm trying to fight it. i've got you all here and my tdoc. the goal is no i/p but pdoc may have something to say about that. i'll know more tomorrow hopefully.


i want you to stay strong for you. i have very little strength left, but what i've got i give to you. maybe somewhere along the line i'll inherit some strength but right now i don't feel it at all.


you are right when you say we have to get through this. i'm doing the best i can right now utilizing my support network and i hope you will do the same. i once gave you my cell #. i don't know if you still have it, if not can you give me an e-maill addy to send it to? or send me your #? you don't need to be alone right now either.


let me know how you are doing when you get this.


hugs & love,
traci