Mo...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mo...
1
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 1:01pm

I'm sorry I didn't get to post to you yesterday...It was a BAD BAD BAD day for me...today is a bit better...not much, but I will take it and be grateful for any little bit of relief I can get...

I just want to say that sleep is SOOO very important during a manic episode...not getting any sleep will make it that much worse...can you call your pdoc? Seems like maybe the Risperdal isn't helping in that area. How are the thoughts? Still racing, impulsive??? We have to get that under control and quick...

Making those manic impulsive decisions is what gets us into trouble. I know all about them! BTDT SO many times...I regret so much, but have been able to slowly (over 3 years or more) rebuild my life. Is why I take Lithium religiously no matter how much weight I've gained. I have to PREVENT my manias.

Anyway, I just wanted to check in with you and see how you were. Try to stop and count to like five million before making any impulsive decisions...call a friend, talk to us here, something, anything before making any decisions, okay? I know exactly what you are going through. And I'm here if you need to talk. I'll check back later.

Love and Hugs,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: keli003
Wed, 08-31-2005 - 1:11pm

Oh Keli, thanks so much for checking in on me! I'm feeling better today, but was totally out of control last night. I'm in recovery, and I tried to go to a meeting, but frankly I just couldn't take everyone talking about using drugs and drinking alcohol and giving me those quippy little recovery one-liners we all know AA/NA are so famous for; i.e the bumperstickers that say "Easy Does It!", and "One Day At A Time." It was just nauseating me!!!! I stormed out, several people followed me and kept ranting that nothing would get any better if I used drugs. Well heck! I'm not going to just use drugs - at that moment I wanted to kill myself! Fortunately, reason prevailed and I called a dear friend who drove down from about 45 minutes away to be with me. I called him from my cell phone, wouldn't tell him where I was, told him I wanted to hurt myself but I wouldn't, asked him to stay on the phone with me but not to come to where I was because I didn't want him to see me like this... UGH. Anyhows, he stayed on the phone with me while driving to my neighborhood and by then I had softened up and calmed down enough to tell him where exactly I was so he met me there. He came back to my apartment and stayed with me until 1:30 p.m. just talking about all the things that are driving me crazy. By the time he left I was exhausted. I took off my make-up and went to sleep, but I had to meet with a client at 8:30 this morning, so I was back up 5 hours later. The real gift from my higher power is that 1) I have this dear friend who went to so much trouble to make sure I was safe, and 2) my DS8 slept thru the night so although I only got 5 hours of sleep they were uninterrupted. I feel better today.

I'm still so freakin' angry at my H, though. He keeps calling and sending me text messages like everything is fine and we'll be back together in no time. Meanwhile, I've been slowly sharing this mess with my close friends and receiving 100% support that I'm doing the right thing, that I need to make sure my DS is safe. But we're supposed to move into our new house this weekend, and I just know what I'm going to go thru with H trying to convince me that this is all my fault, somehow, and that I'm depriving the kids of his wonderful presence in the house and it's not fair to anyone that I've made this decision, dug my heels in, and am refusing to reconcile with him again. I'm bracing for a very difficult time, and he's a master manipulator.

Thanks so much for checking on my, Keli. As angry as I got at the addicts last night, I really am just taking this all one minute at a time. I can feel fine for a few minutes and then swing into a very deep, dark place. I read your post today and am sorry that you're struggling as well. Big hugs, we'll get thru. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10