exisiting in a daze...poss trigs
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| Tue, 08-30-2005 - 7:39pm |
Well it has been a week now since my mom has died. We buried her on Saturday. I could barely cry the whole time. I cried bad when I first seen her dead on her living room floor and now since then I have been in a daze and I just have spurts of crying but not full blown break down crying. I am devastated over her being gone but I guess a part of me is in denial or shock...something.
I have gone to the store with my bf and things but I just space out and then I will come back to reality and even laugh at a joke my bf made, then back to the daze. My bf is being so supportive. I don't know what I would do if he wasn't being supportive.
I miss my mom so much. I want to call her and talk to her like we did before. I would call her everyday or she would be calling me. I can't pick up the phone anymore and hear her voice or tell her about my day or hear about hers. I feel like I am drugged. I am taking my xanax but no more then 3 a day like the pdoc said. One day I only took one at night and still felt dazed all day. I go through motions but feel really outt here like I am floating in space. I feel like the real intense pain hasn't even reached me yet. I am afraid of what will happen when it does. There goes any stability I had before she died.
My dd decided during the funneral to move in with her dad. That left me feeling even more lost and abandoned. I didn't make her feel bad about her decision but it hurt me terribly and she is making a mistake. She lived with her dad once before and he hardly ever spent time with her. My dd's stepmom spent time with her. It wasn't good. For some reason now my dd feels things will be different with her dad and for her sake I hope it is but the past has proven it will be unlikely. I will pray for my dd. I will miss having her with me.
I feel like my life has changed too much in too little time. I feel like I should be dead too. I am trying to look towards the future and I am trying to see good things about it but right now that is pretty hard to do. I feel so empty. I lost my mom and now my dd left me to live with her dad. I guess I wasn't a good enough mother.
I go see my tdoc and pdoc on Sept.1st. I don't know what they can do for me but I am going to my appointments.
My dad died when I was 17, my brother just died 2 yrs ago and now my mom. I have a sister but I have a hard time being around her alot because she is with an alcoholic and he treats her bad and I can't stand to hear her complian about him and then defend him too. I hate her bf so much. He makes my skin crawl.
Well, I am going to go lay down...again.
I am so tired all the time.
Everyone hang in there and take care!
Tina~

((((Oh, Tina))))
I'm so sorry....I can't say I understand b/c I haven't btdt.
God could not be everywhere, so
Hugs and prayers for you. I wish I could bring your mom back for you. You will get through this and be stronger for it. I am glad your bf is being supportive. Lean on him as much as you need to /can.
Wish I could offer you more.
Missy
Tina,
That daze is perfectly normal, as crummy as it is, it's a protective mechanism, while your heart is healing.
Thanks to everyone for your support
Marci, you are right about my daze being a protective mechanism. I am afraid of what will happen when the protection wears off. My dd's father wanted her to move back in with him because he got a letter from child support that he owed me 5,000 back pay. He still had physical custody when she came back with me so he got out of having to pay the 5,000 and he got my dd to move back in with him. She just decided to spring it on me during the funeral that she made her decision.
Thanks agian everyone for the kind words.
Tina~