Freaking BP
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 09-02-2005 - 11:51am |
I was doing well all week...well, since about Tuesday...now today, my mood is declining steadily. Don't know why. Just because really. I haven't felt much like talking.
Therapy went well last night. I really LOVE my therapist. She is totally amazing. We clicked instantly. Last night was mostly getting history, etc. Did get into the SA stuff, but not into it in a major way. Said I'm definitely having flashbacks...and have a lot to deal with. But it could be dealt with eventually. Probably sooner though, rather than later. Which in my opinion is good. I go back next week. I have homework. I'm supposed to journal about the GOOD things in my life. Since I have such self hatred issues all the time. I'm also supposed to exercise in some form or fashion twice a week for at least 30 minutes. Her husband, who is in the same office, is a pdoc and so she knows a lot about BP and says its really a good thing I'm off the a/d's. That eventually I will come to believe that. I mostly do already, but days like today, well, I hate life again. And I hate that, because I don't WANT to hate life. AAAAGGGGGHHHH. She used to work at the hospital I was i/p at so many times. I'd never met her before, because she worked with the teens, but she knows all the pdocs there.
She also said that sometimes things that happen, are just life...and everything isn't related to a BP episode. I know that. But it helps to hear it from someone else too. I get so caught up in the whirlwind that my mood swings are, because they are so fast and so hard all the freaking time. But life is HARD even for your average person without BP.
She said that with my parents, I am on the right track with learning to say no. I just have to learn to say no basically and I have to learn that I am not the parent. They have turned me into the parent and I hate it and I am totally resentful of it. She also said that my dh and my ds need me at home more than I am at home, whether they say it or not. That my ds is independent, and my dh is supportive, but they need me, and I need them. That its okay. She kept asking me why did I think I felt such guilt over everything? I didn't know, and she didn't answer. Guess I'll learn on my own eventually, which is the point.
So then after I leave there, my mom calls me, immediately after...and asks all kinds of questions, i finally said i wasn't talking about it...then she starts crying because she says she is bored, and lonely, and has nothing to do and is depressed about it. So I immediately get on the defensive about it, and I get really upset and angry and frustrated...finally, I talk to her an hour or two later, she has calmed down, and I have calmed down, and she doesn't mention any of that and I had a pretty good conversation with her. I can't save her, I can't make it my life to make her better. I just can't. And I don't know how to handle it. I hate that she is house ridden...I hate that she gets lonely and bored, but I can't change it for her. That's not up to me. I just don't know how to say that to her. And also, it makes me feel like I've failed her. Its why I've been busting my a$$ to get there every weekend, to keep her more or less occupied and happy because she has nobody else.
But anyway, I like the tdoc a lot...she called me this morning to ask a question about my referral, and asked me how i was...she'd told me when i left to call her if i needed her, and i felt like she meant it...now i really wish i COULD call her today, but I won't.
I told her that she wasn't seeing the "real" me yesterday, that I was really a big MESS most of the time. She said that maybe that was the real me. That maybe I just didn't realize it yet. That maybe I wasn't the big mess I thought I was. That maybe I made myself believe I was a big mess. That we have the power to talk ourselves into anything.
I don't know. Just don't care or feel at all good today. I want to cry, and go to bed and hide again and I hate that feeling so much. Its that I'm alone and that's okay because I want to be alone feeling that I hate.
Don't mind me. I'm just whining yet again. I know you're all sick of it...I can't help it, though...I try to stay upbeat and fight the depression...but sometimes even I don't have much fight left in me.

I'm not sick of hearing about it at all !!!
God could not be everywhere, so
Thanks Donna...
How are you doing today? Lord knows I sure need to focus on someone else!
I am so craving some chinese food, but I don't want to sabotage my dieting efforts. When I get depressed its all I want to do, EAT. I feel really fat again too. See, I'm like a totally different person. I feel like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Seriously.
I can't even really drive anywhere...we are OUT of gas here in town. Its really bad. I am so thankful I got gas the other night. We have a million stations and they're all out...there maybe one or two that still have gas, but it won't last after today. Not sure when we will get more either. We're over $3.75 now too. OMG. I don't know I will afford gas if this keeps up.
ha ha, I'm not sure I'm the person to ask today.
God could not be everywhere, so
((((((((((((((keli)))))))))))))) first of all, i'm not sick of your posting. it does help even if none of us realize it at the time. lord knows i don't believe it myself most of the time. but keep posting!
one thing in your post hit me hard........the guilt over your parents and feeling that it's up to you to make your mom happy, etc. omg, i could have written that! now, i'm not privy to what exactly is going on with your mom, but that whole section to me said one thing..........codependency. and, that's ok! i don't know if you've done any work on codependency or not, but there are books designed to help us codependent people as well as support groups, if you are fortunate enough to have one in your area (i'm not, so i rely heavily on my tdoc and my alanon group). it's not uncommon for people who have had turbulent pasts. although i haven't researched it yet, i'm sure it's a common thread in bp people. i know for me, it was pointed out 5 years ago when i walked into my first alanon meeting. but that's just my situation. if you want, i can e-mail the name of a couple of books that i have that might help you. you can talk to your tdoc about it first if you want.
i care about you hon! and from the sounds of it your tdoc does too! that's sooooo great that y'all clicked like you did! that's how it was when i had my first meeting with my now tdoc almost 2 years ago. and i can tell you now what you've been telling me forever..........if she told you to call her don't worry about it! just pick up the phone and call her..........she wouldn't have told you to if she didn't mean it. hmm, sound familiar?*grin* i love ya girl! don't sit and suffer, pick up the phone!
i had to do that this morning. my mother set me off so bad i called my tdoc and she told me that the rage i was feeling, in this case, might be normal because of who and what was causing it. kinda goes along with what your tdoc said. but to hear it made me feel a little better because this may not have anything to do with bp. now, granted it took me going off verbally, putting a nice big dent in my aluminum shed, and worst of all smoking a cigarette after being quit a week before i called her, but i did and she talked me through it.
now that i'm finally in a better place i can hopefully help you fight. i know so well the "no fight left" feeling and i want to help you through this as best i can! you will get better! YOU WILL! I will help you!
Sorry about your fight with dh...those suck...we don't fight much, me and mine...but when we do, i can't handle it...we've gone through REALLY bad stuff though in the past...REALLY REALLY bad stuff, so we've had more than enough of our share...we are now finally okay and we both know it and don't take anything for granted. we've separated like 3 times...but this past time, about 3 years ago or so now, was the last and we've never been stronger. he has truly saved me from myself, and has brought me through this bp crap. i'm really tired too. wish i could go home early. but i only have 3.5 hours left...i get off at 4:00...must be 3:00 your time...so I can stay that much longer.
I hate this crap too. All of it. It all just sucks you know what...!
I am kinda looking forward to the weekend...was really looking forward to it, til I woke up with stupid freaking BP mood monster on my shoulders this morning...now i really don't care...not doing anything...getting my cable installed tomorrow will be my highlight.
ya know what? to hell with it, i'm going to eat some chinese food...and read my book. take a long lunch. bbs. i will just be fat forever...
forgot i had a 1:30 meeting, so lunch was out...but i am eating a chicken sandwich at my desk...as much of it as i can...still not much of an apetite...but i WANT to eat today!!! oh well.
i did eat dinner last night, so that was better...
yep, totally codependent...that's me...have been for my entire life...dunno why...
i'm trying to pull myself out of this stupid mood i'm in before i leave work...i'd like to have some fun for a dang change...
would like to actually be able to sleep in tomorrow...and i'm turning OFF my phone until i get up, cuz my mom will call me ASAP in the morning...if i don't answer, she will call til i answer, over and over and over and over...omg, that totally pisses me off.
well, she is on the phone now, again...for the 2nd time today. i shouldn't complain...i know i shouldn't, but i just can't help it. she says the same things to me over and over...her side hurts, her back hurts...(but she won't go to the dr.). She is bored. Its hot in her house. I don't say much, or I guess I get short with her...so she says, well, I won't bother you...then I feel guilty all over again.
I need an Ativan...or a drink...or something.
Keli,
You're not whining, you're telling it like it is & Lord knows we've all been there--I wish this board could be a ll sweetness & light, but then it wouldn't serve it's purpose!
I am SO glad you clicked with your therapist--that can make such a difference.
real quick before i head back to work, i just wanted to tell you i hope you have an awesome weekend! and if you have to turn your phone off then so be it! you need to do for keli this weekend and that means time with ds and dh. we love ya girl! and if you don't get to my post that i just put up, you helped me decide to start journaling again! so even though you may not feel it now, you are an inspiration to us here!
hugs and love,
traci
oh, I love chinese too !!!
God could not be everywhere, so