Major Depressive crash, major trigs...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Major Depressive crash, major trigs...
7
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 8:38am

Well, guess the title of my post says it all...i spent the last four days in bed, or on the couch...either crying, or wanting to die...or angry, or triggered, basically all of that, all of the time...it was not fun...i was WAAAAY triggered by my parents...but I really do not want to talk about it...i was waaaay triggered by my PTSD/SA stuff, but I really do not want to talk about that...my brother came by, I got triggered by that, because he is SOOO on his way to jail for a good little while...and it hit me...the reality of that...and then the reality that he is a major, major drug addict, that has lost his first set of beautfil little girls...and is on his way to losing his second...but i truly love my brother very much and i hate it for him...anyway, i said i wasn't going to do this...and end up crying, too late.

I couldn't even get out of bed to come to work yesterday. So I called in sick. Too bad. I don't even care at this point. I did call my pdoc. No a/d. She gave me some Provigil to take for a week or two...its a stimulant med, yes I did say STIMULANT. To see if it will pull me out of the depressive cycle. She will not say I am depressed. I am simply in a depressive cycle. Bipolars don't get depressed according to my pdoc. We only get depressive cycles and manic cycles. Technically, and medically, she is right. My Topamax was also increased. Lithium can't be increased, 900 is my max before tox.

I'm a little agitated from the Provigil and still depressed. Imagine that.

I'm very tired of all of this. VERY VERY tired. I don't want to do it anymore.

Because of the issues with my PTSD/SA stuff coming up in therapy, I'm having memories, and flashbacks and I'm constantly being disgusted in my head by something that happened to me then, when I was a little girl...I can't have sex with my dh. Period. I hate it for him. I explained it to him and he is really wonderful to me. But, yet again, I feel guilty for it. He said he truly admired me. For what? For being broken...? He says for being strong for so long...and for dealing with everything I have had to deal with so amazingly well...my pdoc said that too...but ya know what? I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE HAD TO DEAL WITH ANYTHING! its not fair. I didn't ask for any of this...i don't WANT to have to be strong anymore...i don't WANT to have to do anything but freaking live normally, just like everyone else does.

that will never happen. it just isn't my reality...and it freaking sucks...doesn't anyone else see that??? everyone says, oh, it will get better...when? when will it get better? i've been doing this for 4 years now...sh!t seems to be gettin worse to me...

i was so much happier without all the meds...before i knew i was BP...if only i could turn back time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 9:14am

(((Keli)))


I just want to say I'm so sorry and I wish there was something I could do.

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Avatar for missyflanders
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 11:06am

I am so there with you. Let's both promise to continue to take our meds, post on this board and stay in touch with our pdocs, OK?

Hugs...wish there was more I could do.

Missy

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 11:09am

Keli,

Right now you are going through alot. You have been stirring up some past memories and dealing with your parents. As you well know us BP's can't have too much stress because it wipes us out and triggers the crap out of us. I do understand how you feel like life isn't going to get better, but it will. Unfortunately, with us being BP we have to go on rollercoaster rides...the big ones that almost take your breath away. That is so hard to handle, I know. Be kind to yourself. You have an illness and you are working on treating it. I am sure if you were off your meds it would be even worse...alot worse.

I am so glad you called your pdoc and she gave you something. I hope it begins to work real soon. This is going to be hard work with your tdoc. Keep in close touch with her. Especailly when you are this down. Your tdoc may be able to help calm you down and give you insight on how to cope until your next appointment.

I know being strong all the time doesn't seem to give us a break, so when you can rest do it. Strong you are and a surivior you always will be. Be proud of that and give yourself a hug from me. God loves you and he is holding you right now.

I wish I could take all this away from you and I don't know if I am much help to you but I wanted you to know I am thinking about you and praying for you.

Love you,

Tina~

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 11:20am

(((((Keli))))),


I don't get your pdoc's distinction between being depressed and a depressive episode--you feel the same way--LOUSY!


I'm so sorry both your parents and brother had to add to what you're dealing with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 11:43am

((((((((((((Keli)))))))))))) I know you so don't want to hear this right now, but IT WILL GET BETTER! You cannot give up now. You've finally turned a corner in getting a tdoc. Yes, it's gonna get rough as you delve into the crap of your past. Lord knows I know that! And the meds are trying to work themselves out. You are on the right road. You've come so close you can't give up now sweetie! Look at where I was just a week or two ago. If tdoc hadn't stepped in and called pdoc I'd either be inpatient or worse right now........I was that close. She asked me last night how the Depakote was working and my response was cautiously optimistic. I can't get too hopeful with meds after all the others have worked for a while, then quit. But, she's on my side and pdoc is on my side and right now I have the attitude that I'm going to come out on the right side of this garbage..........and so will YOU! I will help you as you have helped me!I'm here for you! Don't you forget it! Hang in there girl, this is a fight worth winning.


Hugs & Love,
Traci

Avatar for littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 11:58am
I just wanted to say hang in there and I am sorry you feel so lousy. I wish I could say when you'll feel better, but you will in time. just take care, we all understand what's going on in one way or another. (((HUGS)))

littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 1:46pm

Keli,

I am so very sorry you are having such a tough time... It does seem like too much for one person to handle. I can't offer any advice, since I'm a little out of it myself... but I did notice that your dh is being very supportive, which is a good thing. Don't beat yourself up too much, you didn't choose the things that are happening to you, it's not your fault and it's not fair, I agree.

I don't know what else to say, my thoughts are all scattered right now... I guess just try to take one thing at a time and take care of yourself.

Catherine