Tracey
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Tracey
| Wed, 09-07-2005 - 8:47am |
Hey...UGH
I'm okay, in spite of my ranting horribly worded earlier post...how are you? Please tell me that I CAN DO THIS WITHOUT A/D's and I will be okay, okay? I don't know if I can, or if I will...I'm at a huge loss...
I need to be working my butt off over here, but I just have zero motivation.
I just wanted to wish you a happy day, tell you I love you and I totally incredibly missed you and I'm glad you're back at work.
TTYL
k.

Keli:
You can SO do this with A/Ds. It is WITH A/Ds that you can't do it. You are going to be fine. Keep taking the new med as pdoc said, and try the increased topamax. I think you are going to get worse this week before you see tdoc though. I think you have so much anxiety about it, knowing the issues you have to deal with, that your body is throwing out depression signals to deal with it. Just count down until you go to see tdoc. I have a feeling that after your appt you will be a LOT better. AND, as you continue to see her, you will start getting a lot more control over everything.
It was wonderful to talk to you last night - it had been too long!!! Stand firm and tough with your parents. If they want to put you in a parental role with them, use that against them (if they act this way, you are doing that) but beyond that refuse to accept responsibility for them. The more you do for them at this point the more they are going to expect. Yes, you love your parents a lot. No, refusing to bend to their every whim does NOT mean you love them less - it means you love them more.
Hang in there - you KNOW you are going to be fine. As I said last night, I am SO impressed at how aware you are of your health and treatment, as opposed to last year when you just let them keep medicating and medicating and medicating. You have educated yourself and taken such a proactive role in your health and treatment.
Be proud of yourself girl - I am!
Love ya!
Tracey
How is your day going? I am still icky...the stimulant crap is doing jack...making me pretty darn agitated, but I still feel very depressed...guess i'm out of bed and not wallowing in death wishes...that is better...oh well...i only took a half of a tablet this morning and its worn off now, and i'm crashing, should probably take another half...have a lot to do tonight...feeling that horribleness coming back quick too...i dunno...i'm really agitated though, my stomach is all in knots from that already...omg, i am so tired of all this...i hate when you see the crash coming so fast and you know you can't stop it...
Just checkin on you...
Hey you!
TAKE THE OTHER HALF OF THE STIMULANT!!!! Even if you don't think it is doing a lot, and I know that it is making you agitated, but you are out of bed...as long as the irritation is manageable I would maintain with it.
I'm REALLY REALLY sick of taking orders from the office hag. She is making me crazy (crazier?). HOWEVER, I got a call back from that company I sent my resume to and had the phone interview with yesterday. They were very impressed by everything and want to do an interview tomorrow am. SO, thankfully I had a good excuse (my mom's aunt died and the service is tomorrow) and am just going to come into work late.
Hang in there. You know how you are, and you know that you are capable of handling a LOT more then you THINK you can.
I think it is fantastic that Eric told you he admires you for making it through everything you have. He should - you are a very special person. I know you didn't WANT to be special by "getting" to be strong enough to survive the things you have, but you ARE. Things could always be worse. As for feeling guilty for not being able to be intimate with him, don't be. He understands. Through your therapy, and time, you will get back to where you were...if not better. Just don't force yourself to be intimate because you feel guilty - it will hurt you in the long run. Start cuddling with him when you are comfortable with it. Then, as your comfort level increases, and your mind is able to accept that this is a person that you love and loves you instead of the miserable excuse for a human that should be shot like a rabid dog, you will be able to do more.
I'm here for you whenever you need me - never forget that. And do NOT think "i don't want to bother her" - those are the times you should bug me even more. Even if you have to call me collect. I will refuse the charges and then call you back.
Love you!
Tracey
hey...i took the other half a couple hours ago...lol. i've been busy working...wow! have so much to do...anyway, i know, i know...i'm okay...i'll be okay, all that good stuff...and YOU know how i am too...i tend to traumatize myself all the time...but it all just sucks, and sometimes i can't help it...
GOOD LUCK tomorrow morning, omg! i will so be praying...
love you too,
k.