i don't feel good
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i don't feel good
| Wed, 09-07-2005 - 10:53am |
since stopping my lithium.beleive me it wasn't an easy dicision.
my shrink was horrified & said i was 100% perfection on my lithium.not only did the weight gain get me(haven't lost anything but if i started taking it again would it mean gaining ANOTHER 30 pounds)but the CONSTANT peeing & a friend told me i twitched...alot.
on top of it...some married jerk who used to be a ****buddy when i was in manic mode(THAT'S how mania manifests itself in me...& to keli NO..this is not the one i fell in love with)anyhow...even tho i called him all thru my using & suicide episode(b/f lithium after disaster)he thinks its silly that i went off my lithium & HE"S STILL HITTING ON ME.why would he hit on a crazy freak like me when he's already SEEN me ruin lives of people who get involved.
i'm eventually going to have to call my doc to get more trileptal.i had promised him i would see his associate...a real pharmo psychiatrist..but HE costs over 300 a pop & doesn't take insurance.
my husband(who i must admit is supportive)just won't have that.his token response..."we'll see what happens"...it means..not on your life we cannot afford it.
the other dilemma is that since i have money from an inheritence my mother thinks i should take care of it myself...the FLIP side of that is that she wants the money out of my hands so i don't p**** it away.
my husbands salary regenerates...mine DOESN'T & since i spent 20 years p****ing away money i'm saving THIS for my kids or an emergency.ok..yes this MIGHT be an emergengy but what do i do in year when the money is GONE?
sorry to whine,,,,i just don't FEEL good & tho i thought my complete breakdown(in march)was a GOOD thing cause it led to a cure it turns out that the cure is both a blessing AND a nightmare.
maybe it's the change of routine.my summer job is done & kids school starts tomorrow.tonight i'm terror filled to take my daughter to an audition even tho its w/ the same people i worked with all summer!i worked with their kids!i took this directors place!still i feel as tho i won't belong.
what have i done to myself.i'm scared.
my shrink was horrified & said i was 100% perfection on my lithium.not only did the weight gain get me(haven't lost anything but if i started taking it again would it mean gaining ANOTHER 30 pounds)but the CONSTANT peeing & a friend told me i twitched...alot.
on top of it...some married jerk who used to be a ****buddy when i was in manic mode(THAT'S how mania manifests itself in me...& to keli NO..this is not the one i fell in love with)anyhow...even tho i called him all thru my using & suicide episode(b/f lithium after disaster)he thinks its silly that i went off my lithium & HE"S STILL HITTING ON ME.why would he hit on a crazy freak like me when he's already SEEN me ruin lives of people who get involved.
i'm eventually going to have to call my doc to get more trileptal.i had promised him i would see his associate...a real pharmo psychiatrist..but HE costs over 300 a pop & doesn't take insurance.
my husband(who i must admit is supportive)just won't have that.his token response..."we'll see what happens"...it means..not on your life we cannot afford it.
the other dilemma is that since i have money from an inheritence my mother thinks i should take care of it myself...the FLIP side of that is that she wants the money out of my hands so i don't p**** it away.
my husbands salary regenerates...mine DOESN'T & since i spent 20 years p****ing away money i'm saving THIS for my kids or an emergency.ok..yes this MIGHT be an emergengy but what do i do in year when the money is GONE?
sorry to whine,,,,i just don't FEEL good & tho i thought my complete breakdown(in march)was a GOOD thing cause it led to a cure it turns out that the cure is both a blessing AND a nightmare.
maybe it's the change of routine.my summer job is done & kids school starts tomorrow.tonight i'm terror filled to take my daughter to an audition even tho its w/ the same people i worked with all summer!i worked with their kids!i took this directors place!still i feel as tho i won't belong.
what have i done to myself.i'm scared.

I'm so sorry you are having a rough time...is there something else you can take besides lithium?
And that 300 is insane...is there another pdoc you can see that takes your insurance?
Hang in there, we are here for you !!!
God could not be everywhere, so
Sweetie,
I understand what you're saying about your inheritance (I'm one who can blow through $ in no time flat), but in this case I think spending it for the other pdoc (if your pdoc can't recommend another pharmo-pdoc who does take insurance), is a good investment in your future and your children's.
Of course, the other alternative is to retart your Lithium.
Susan,
honey, first of all...STOP for a minute and calm down. This can be fixed. Go back to the first pdoc (why can't you do that?) and get back on the Lithium. You haven't been off it long enough to gain another 30 pounds when you start taking it again. You need to have a level done first. If you were shaking, you might have been taking a touch too much of it. But, if it was working, and it sounds to me like it WAS, you need to go back on it. You are in danger of going back into the hospital, and you don't want that, right? Your husband is SO supportive, but sometimes, honey, its only up to us. You're scaring yourself to death right now, and its because of you're not on meds and you know how bad it is going to get. The bad mania is starting to manifest and you know also how bad that gets. Please don't let it get that bad again, okay girl? I was there with you through it all then, and I will help you through whatever you need again, but you can put a stop to it this time before it gets out of hand.
Post later and let me know what you're thinking and how you are feeling.
Love and Hugs,
Keli
that's good.
you know what's funny is that the pdoc who gave me the lithium was in the hospital & i can't see her on an o/p basis.
as for who said 300+ is absurd...THANK YOU.i'm so tired of paying dr's thru my nose i thought it was just me.no wonder my mother was happy to have me off her hands when i got married,huh?
i'll tell you a funny story tho...when i was teaching camp this summer,my counselors had whistles & i didn'
t so once when they were out of control i said..."i have no whistle so i'll just have to scream"..& i did & wet my pants & thought oh shoot this cannot go on.
i also told my h i was donating all my thin clothes & getting comfortable as a chubby lady but when the 3rd person asked if i was expecting i lost my temper.
as far a i'm concerned if you have to ask "are you" well then DON'T ask.besides i'm 44 & no one in their right mind would be expecting me to expect ANYTHING.
i have my shrink to talk to & my reg doc hasn't thrown me out yet & i'm taking lots of prozac & seroquel & now trileptal,but i did find where my husband hid the klonapin i threw out & he retreived,but they are almost gone & no one in their right mind would give me more.
thanks for accepting me,thanks for listening to me.......it means alot.
Susan,
Accepting you? OF COURSE we accept you. There are no prerequisites here. If there were, not a single one of us would be here. Not ONE! Remember that. Every single one of us are in the SAME boat. Okay? Keep coming and talking. It helps. A lot.
I totally understand about going off the Li too...there are MANY days I want to go off ALL the dang meds. But I don't. For some reason, I don't. But I do understand. I just want you to know that.
Hugs,
Keli