Just need to vent (not doing so good)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2004
Just need to vent (not doing so good)
5
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 1:58pm
I broke down last night to the point I had to take a sick leave from work. At least once a week I get these stupid dreams that remind me of what happened last year and they make me feel absolutly worthless. And if I'm not having those dreams, I'm worrying about having them and same worthless feelings go through my head to the point were I'm contimplating going to the hospital. The problem is, I never want to go because I'm at my job or it's 3 o'clock in the morning and I have no way of getting there and I always reason it off by reminding myself I have no time to do so. The worst part about it is that when I came home last night, my parents were on my case about how I'm going to loose my job if I keep up this behaviour and yet, I have shown up everyday at some point. I've only left early twice (including this time), was late once and had to take an hour's sick leave because I ran in to "the trigger" in the adjacent mall. I'm doing very well all things concidering and I'm being made to feel like it's just not good enough again. Not to mention, when I want to open up about how I'm feeling, I'm just met with the same "everybody goes through it, it's life" speech. It's making me feel like I'm totally hopeless and it's never going to get better. I just hope I can last so that I can get into a rutine and things can stablize before it's too late.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 2:29pm

hey sweetie, i won't give you that speech...i'm in the same place you're in and i don't wanna hear it either...its not "just life", its something that happened, its real, and its causing you to feel this way. do you have a tdoc, are you in therapy? i'm just now starting and its so hard...my moods are ALL OVER THE WORLD AND BACK AGAIN AND AGAIN and i'm triggered everywhere too, it seems...i had to take sick leave yesterday from work. i may have to take more, before its any better. if you need the hospital, please promise me that you will go, okay?

i do know that we have to be stronger than what happened to us...somehow...and we have to be stronger than our illness...when we want to lay down and just give up, we can't...its the only way to beat this...okay?

i don't like life right now, but i used to like it...and i know that i want to get back to that place...so i fight. will you fight with me? i don't like being alone...and i know it feels like we are very much alone, doesn't it? we aren't...we have each other...we can fight this together...

promise me you will be safe, and that you will go to the hospital, if you need to.

hugs,

keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 3:11pm
I don't think I know you yet....but even if I did, I couldn't say anything else but what Keli did
Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

God could not be everywhere, so

Avatar for littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Wed, 09-07-2005 - 3:38pm
Keli is right on the money. And there will be a time where you won't feel so fragile. I just wanted to lend you some support!

littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2004
Fri, 09-09-2005 - 1:09am

Thanks for the the nice statements. It's nice to know some people understand how I'm feeling right now.

Things are looking a little better. I found out the girls I work with also deal with depression in different forms and kind of understand where I'm comming from when I say I get panic attacks. I see my tdoc in two weeks which will be a relief because I haven't seen him in almost four months. (There's few in town and there was a mix up the last time I was supposed to see him.) I'm going to talk to him about a few things and hopefully I'll be able to get it cleared up once and for all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 09-12-2005 - 11:57am

Emily, I just wanted to check and see how you're doing sweetie. I've been thinking about you over the weekend. Please check in if you can. Remember we are here for you!


Hugs,
Traci