Happy Birthday Traci!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Happy Birthday Traci!!!
10
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 7:43am

Just wanted to wish you a happy, beautiful day, my friend! Thank you for being just exactly who you are. We love you and just for today, put everything else aside, and enjoy just being Traci...a wonderful mother who is raising beautiful children, a smart hardworking student and a strong person who loves and cares for others. Okay?

Love and Hugs,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 8:49am

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TRACI !!!


I hope you have a wonderful day, take it easy and enjoy every single second of it.


You are a wonderful person !!!

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God could not be everywhere, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 10:08am

Thank you ladies:) I am trying to do exactly that.........enjoy it. Things like work keep getting in my way though;) Sheesh, people think I should work today. What's up with that? LOL! Anyway, am taking things a bit slower than usual and squeezing in a little R&R in between school, work, kids, etc.


I think the best birthday present I've received this year was from my pdoc! I have not felt as good as I do right now in I can't remember when! How's that for timing? I just hope the trend continues:) And the other best gift I've got is aside my beautiful kids, all my friends here who accept me for who I am through good and bad ups and downs. You guys are fantastic and have helped me probably more than I deserve. Thank you:)


Hugs & Love,
Traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 10:17am

of course you deserve it...its hard for us to remember that...but you really do.

k.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 11:00am
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!

littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 11:36am

Thanks (((((Keli))))) How are YOU today? I know you've been having such a rough time lately. I am here for you girl! Don't think you are alone in this or don't want to trigger anyone. My God, look at all the help you have given me in the past several months and I was afraid I'd trigger you! I'm here and by the grace of God for the moment am stable. It's my turn to give back! Do ya hear me???? :)


Hugs & Love,
Traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 12:06pm

I just honestly don't know how I am...I am not good...I think I'm now mixed because of the Provigil, but if I wasn't taking it, I wouldn't be even out of bed...I'm tired, and wired, and depressed all at the same time, and it really sucks.

I've been at work since 7:20 this morning and I've not done a single thing yet. I can't concentrate enough to do it. If I let my mind wander for a single second, I have a flashback...I don't like this at all...I am not at all stable, not in the least little tiniest amount...

I know I probably am going to end up back i/p. I'm trying to get that in my head, to prepare myself a little bit for it...but I really really really do NOT want to...I don't want to be away from home again...I will feel like a total loser, even worse than I already do...god. But on the same hand, I cannot keep going on this unstable for much longer. I know this inside myself somewhere deep. I know what will happen eventually. But, I am SO resistant to i/p this time, for some reason.

My mother keeps telling me to call my pdoc again, but wtf can she do right now? NADA. She has increased both my mood stabilizers almost to their max doses and refuses to give me anti depressant. There's not much else left. She wants me to work everything out in therapy. But that is a very long process and I just don't know if I can wait it out that long. I know I'm strong...but when you have to face HELL every single hour of every single day without end, come on. Ya know...? Its not easy. Its not something we all just stand in line to DO. I have no social life. NONE. I work, I go home. I go to bed. That's it. Then, I "get" to go see my mother. Then I start over. Then I do it again. And again. And again. That's it. I have nothing fun in my life. I do nothing fun in my life. Why would I? When I did have "fun" I only hurt lots of people cuz I was manic and didn't know what the hell I was doing...but oh was I having fun...Then all hell broke loose and all the people I hurt decided they weren't going to take it anymore, and I had nobody...then i started a new life, and got new people to hurt...did that...hurt them...now i've isolated myself to the point where i just do nothing...

i hate my life. i hate hate hate hate hate it...now, i know that only I can change it...but right now, i have absolutely ZERO energy to change it...my energy goes to only keeping myself alive...

sorry, traci...but you asked.

i think i probably am making things worse than they are, but maybe not...i just feel freaking bad and i am freaking angry about SO many things...

if i could run away, i would...i guess that's probably why i don't have a bunch of money...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 12:17pm

Happy Birthday Traci! I am glad to see that you are feeling better... it does feel good when that happens, doesn't it? I hope you have a wonderful day and do something special for yourself.

Catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 1:16pm

((((((((((((((((((Keli)))))))))))))))))))))) God, I wish I could come down there and help you through this in person! Your mom is on the right track, but with the wrong doc. Sweetie, call your TDOC and see if maybe she can work with you on possibly increasing your visits until you get through this. If she is as great as you said she is, I'll be willing to bet she'll work with you because her goal is the same as yours - stability. And she knows that until you resolve a lot of this stuff, it's apt to get rough.


I mean, I had to call my tdoc last night 'cause money is unbearably tight and I knew I would either have to suspend my or my dd's appointments for probably the remainder of September. I really didn't want to have to stop DD's simply because after wasting a year with a tdoc that got nowhere and she didn't trust at all, she (dd) finally clicked with my tdoc and is really starting to open up to her. I don't want to stop progress, so I put my own head on the chopping block. Or, at least I tried to. Tdoc about had a fit when I told her I had to stop my visits and told me absolutlely not........if it was the money, we'd work something out. She wasn't about to leave me twisting in the wind right now.......not with the new med and the unresolved issues. She wants to start on those so I don't self destruct. (found out my blood pressure is up the other day) is anyone surprised? lol!


And you are dealing with a hell of a lot more of crap than I could ever imagine dealing with. Your tdoc knows this and is there to help you. Let her do her job! As a very wise woman once told me.........."Call her! She wouldn't have told you to if she didn't mean it!" Now, if only I could remember who that very wise woman was????? Hmmmmmmmm...........oh, wait a minute! It was you! :)


So, do yourself a favor, and if you don't want to do it for you, than do it as a birthday present to me - call her and let her help you. Please?


Oh, and one other thing........don't EVER feel like you have to apologize for venting......that's why we are here! Remember we love you here and want you to feel better. So vent away!


Hugs & Love,
Traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 10:02pm

iiiiiiiiiiHappy Birthdayiiiiiiiiii

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 10:43pm

Thanks Marci:)


Yeah, the kids and my mother took me out to dinner - my choice (in other words, ruled out McDonalds, Burger King, Wendys, etc;) LOL! So we went to a Japanese Steak House and had a fantastic dinner! The kids love (as I do) watching the chefs cook everything right in front of us. Then I ran in to a dear friend of mine from my alanon group there. Her husband was also celebrating his birthday:) So it was very nice seeing them again. The kids and I were at her house on the 4th of July this year.