Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Amanda
3
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 7:49am

Time to check in...I hope you're okay, honey girl...

We miss you here. I know you're having a rough time, so if you aren't up to posting, its okay. Just know we care.

Love ya,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
In reply to: keli003
Thu, 09-08-2005 - 9:32am
I second that !!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
In reply to: keli003
Fri, 09-09-2005 - 7:17am

Thanks Keli and Donna,


Yes I'm having a rough time, and even more so BECAUSE I'm having a rough time. I just can't seem to wrap my head around supposedly being stable and struggling so much.


It seems that I'm cycling every day right now, or maybe I'm just in a mixed state. Either way, not good news.


The good news is I called disability and the lady finally called me back. We talked about finacial issues and I have an appointment on Oct 19. At that time we'll go through my financial records. Then I guess I'll get the forms for my doctor's.


My family doctor is backing me on my application for disability. He said he'll do all the paperwork, he just wants my pdoc to write him a note stating that I need to be on psychiatric medication and cannot work right now.


I also got some moles removed when I was at the doctors. He says they aren't cancerous, but I still worry. Maybe I really am a hypochondriac.


I forget what I was going to say.


I said to my friend (who is also bp so would get the joke), I would swear I was on topamax if I didn't know better. I'm getting dumb! I can't remember the word I'm looking for and and every word is a typo, or I just put the wrong word all together.


I've been having intrusive thoughts of both the weird and mundane variety. Things just pop into my head out of nowhere and then I'm stuck with them.


****trig****


The urge to cut has been great. I have been good though. I really really want to. I can see it in my head. Vividly. Maybe that would count as intrusive thoughts.


****end trig****


I've been having trouble sleeping. Waking up constantly and when I finally do reach a deep sleep I end up sleeping in.


I've been having psychotic symptoms. It's weird this time around because I have had EVERY variety of hallucination. Auditory, visual, tactile, olfactory.


I'm jumpy and easily startled. Constantly in a state of fear and panic. This sucks.


During my up times I'm not extremely up. Pdoc says the perphenazine should help with that. She also thinks it's helping my tics, supposed to help me sleep too. And it's mania of the irritable kind.


During my down times, I'm not extremely depressed, more apathetic than sad. I'm like eeyore. I move very slowly. It took me 30 minutes to walk the 10 minutes it should take me to get home.


You should read some of the things that I've been writing in my journal that show all this stuff!


Well I've gone on long enough.


Amanda

co-cl of the Get Organized board

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: keli003
Fri, 09-09-2005 - 7:41am

Oh honey are you preaching to the choir! I'm right there with you, cept I'm not stable at all, but still fighting my butt off to get there...and when I'm down I'm VERY down...but each day I wake up with new hope...I'm hoping you can do the same. I think of you daily and hope FOR you that you will be okay.

Hang in there, you've BTDT and you can get through this too. It sucks, you're right.

I'm ON topamax, up to 300 mgs now...which is a bit of a high dose, but I'm seeming to tolerate it okay. Seems my stupidity on it was higher at 200, but I just increased to 300 last night...(as I'm typing this, its very funny actually!!!). We'll see, I guess.

I'm glad you posted. You stay strong, and don't give in to those intrusive thoughts (yes, the urges to cut are intrusive, btw...). I'm having hallucinations too...mine are visual right now...but i'm not an a/p med...and i am refusing one...they'll go away once i get this stupid irritable angry mania stabilized. i have seroquel that i can take if it gets too bad...right now, they aren't bad at all.

anyway, i ramble...just know i care, okay sweetness?

love and hugs,

keli