So I called my pdoc last night...trigs
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| Fri, 09-09-2005 - 8:07am |
I figured I'd better...I was even more bad off than I'd let on here...I couldn't take it anymore and it was either that or go to the ER. Sooooooo, she calls me back, as she always does...and I told her point blank...my depression is real depression...this is not an episodic depression. Its getting progressively worse and I want to die. I told her I'd done it her way now for over 2 months, I'd been to therapy (that's another story...) and I will NOT continue to be miserable and live my live by death wish to death wish. That it wasn't fair to ME, or my family who has to live WITH me. She said she understood and was glad that I called and was that honest with her. She put me on 20 mgs of Prozac EVERY OTHER DAY. Which is fine with me. She says I will cycle. I cycle ANYWAY. I would rather cycle and be happy, than cycle and want to die every morning that I wake up. She says my BP baffles them. I thought that was pretty funny. Baffles them? Try to live with it.
So, today is my therapy appointment...and as much as I hate to go, I have to go. It stirs everything all up, but eventually, I know it will get better. My appointment is at noon.
I'm hopeful that after a week or so of being on the Prozac, that I will start to feel better. I already feel a little better, and I know its not the meds yet, but its that I have a plan in place, and I know that there is hope for feeling better. Before, I had no hope. Hope is powerful.
I was on Prozac for a long time, and it helped my depression. So, if you pray, PLEASE say a prayer for me, okay? I need this to work in a major way.
Everything with BP is not all meds, and we all know that. We only WISH with all our beings that it were that easy. I guess I'd forgotten that a little bit...but when depression hits you like a 20 ton truck in the face, you can't really think about anything...It totally distorts everything. I did a lot of whining, and a LOT LOT LOT LOT LOT of feeling sorry for myself...and I hate to feel sorry for myself. Yes, life happens. Life happened to me. But life happens to a lot of people...so I have get off my butt and do something to fix it instead of wallowing in it. Wallowing in it doesn't do a dang thing. It only makes everything WORSE.
I'm kicking my own butt a little bit here. If I sit back and feel sorry for myself, poor me, life happened, then nothing gets accomplished and my whole life passes me by! I just wasted 2 weeks of my life. Two really beautiful weeks that I cannot ever get back. I hate that. But, nothing I can do about it now. Depression LOVES when we do that. That is depression's purpose! I, for one, will NOT let depression do that to me, TODAY. I don't know what tomorrow will hold, but for TODAY, it will not beat me down AGAIN.
Sorry for rambling.
Love and Hugs to all,
Keli

(((Keli))) Sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time right now.
"What would you do if you weren't afraid?"
i know WHY she put you on the prozac every other day...so you wouldn't cycle into mania..i am on quite a bit of prozac but it isn't doing that.
i just am concerned.
you are going thru such a hard time.
when i mentioned stopping my lithium you've been very encouraging bout staying on it,despite the side effects.
i'm a little surprised you would say that when YOU HAPPEN to be feeling so very very bad.
me,i'd be cursing my meds up & down,you know?
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((keli)))))))))))))))))))))))
Keli,
You didn't waste a moment, every minute you are alive- depressed or otherwise, you are living and learning, even if the lesson isn't immediately apparent!
Kudos for calling your pdoc and being forceful in getting your needs met.