Crashing big time...major trigs!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Crashing big time...major trigs!!!!!!!!
2
Fri, 09-09-2005 - 2:38pm

It is really hitting me that my mom is dead...she is never coming back. I have had a couple of days alone and that is hard, but my bf had to work on his house he is selling and I feel in the way when I go there.
Yesterday I took 9 xanax...though I wasn't alone. I wanted to feel numb. I started today on my way to 9 or more xanax to get me through this day.
I went to my moms apartment for the first time since she has died and it was the hardest thing I ever had to face. I have to keep going back there to get rid of her things. Now my sister is trying to get my moms apartment...taking over it. I don't know how I am going to be able to visit my sister knowing my mom died there. The good thing about her taking the apartment would be we wouldn't have to move her furniture, just some cloths and lod papers she had.
I miss calling her and visiting her. We were so close. I have been having suicidal thoughts. I go from saying no you can't do this, then I say do it what are you here for.
My dd treats me now like a piece of crap since she moved in with her dad. She has called me selfish several times and immature...granted this is from a 16yr ols but it hurts all the same. She was happy when I was putting a roof over her head and took her to re-do her whloe bedroom, which cost almost $400 with out getting a new bed...with a new bed it would have cost over $1,000 dollars. I took her to Kings dominion August 16th and bought her a bathing suite there so she could go on water rides and enjoy the water pools they have...But I am selfish. I called her an ungrateful little "B" the other day. I feel bad alittle calling her that but I was hurt and angry.
I feel like my whole family is gone. My sister and I are close but not real close. I usually see her once a month or so.
In the past two years I have lost my brother, my bf's dad, which I thought of as a dad to me, and now my mother. I have lost my dd..or at least she not talking to me unless she needs something like her birth certificate, which I told her I would copy for her and she got mad because I didn't get it to her right away for this job she applied for.
Sorry I am venting so much.
I am sick of it all. No matter how much I try I keep getting knocked down. I feel kicked in the stomach by my daughter. She planned on leaving to go with her dad before my mom died and she decided with her dad they would tell me the day before I buried my mother what there plan was...to have her move in now...immeditely. When I have tried to call my dd she doesn't answer her cell phone and the one time she did she was too busy with her friends to talk.
I thought about going out and buying those straight blade razors and do it, you know. Pills won't do it alone. I would have to mix several meds together.
My mom is gone so she doesn't need me anymore and my dd doesn't need me anymore either. I am too selfish to her and to low in her mind to associate with.
Well I will stop all this before it gets too long of a post.

Tina~

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 09-09-2005 - 3:01pm

Tina,

Go to the ER...call an ambulance to come get you...you need to go somewhere right NOW where you can be safe...I know your bf is supportive, but you need to be where you can crash into your grief and process it safely. You cannot do this alone.

I love you, but I am not there with you physically. Your dd loves you, but she is a kid. Your sister is in her own grief process.

YOU ABSOLUTELY CANNOT TAKE 9 XANAX AGAIN. DO YOU HEAR ME? YOU WILL DIE AND YOU CANNOT DIE, THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME.

This may sound selfish of me right now, but I cannot take anything else right now. I need you to fight. Your mom doesn't want you to do this. You know this deep down inside.

Call 911. Right now.

I will have my cell with me. I emailed you the number if you need help getting to the hospital, or if you want to talk while you are there. GO RIGHT NOW.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Fri, 09-09-2005 - 3:26pm

Tina,


I am so sorry your daughter is adding to your pain right now, but I have a sneaking suspicion her lashing out at you is a way of dealing with her grief and inability to help her grandmother all tied in with the normal 16yo mother/daughter stuff.