Tracey

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tracey
1
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 10:37am

this is me screaming...

LOL

I'm okay...don't worry. I just want to be NOT depressed again. Ya know? I'm so tired of being so freaking depressed...and too, yes, I'm sick...pretty darn sick too...i should have stayed home...i'm weak, and feverish, and have chills, and i'm SOOO achey...oh well. maybe the fools i work with will get it too...

I'm not yet truly ready for the hospital. Prozac takes FORVER to kick in, and at a half dose of it, who knows. But it will work, it did before. I just have to keep on keeping on. Somehow...like I always do...

My tdoc said she doesn't know how I do it...that I am not "just" BP. I had to chuckle; and say thanks a heck of a lot. She said she didn't mean it that way. She said that I had SO many things (another chuckle - oh btw, she thinks too that I'm borderline) and that I am so well kept. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I told her to get inside my head. She said that was her point. That I don't let what is IN my head out to affect others. That I manage SO WELL. Yeah, maybe so. But I have to live with what is inside my head.

Its kinda funny...but I was much better off when I was crazy manic and didn't know it.

I was. I miss the good ole days a hell of a lot. I had friends...I had fun...I was productive...I thought my life was good...I didn't have mood swings...I wasn't crazy...I was popular...my job was wonderful...my family was so cool...WTF did I have to go and get dx'ed for? Because someone thought I was having too much fun? I don't even remember now?

Let's see...NOW, I have been in the crazy hospital 4 times and am on my way again soon...my family is dysfunctional, I have no IRL friends, I go home and go to bed, I have no fun in my life, heck its all I can do to put up a functional front, I spend a fortune on doctors and therapy and meds, I am not productive, the people at my job think i'm nuts and I am depressed as hell at the time...

Which was better? The meds I take now don't work...and made me gain a ton of weight...

I struggle through EVERY second of every day right now, and have for over two months...I might have about 15 minutes that I can force myself to have a decent conversation with someone, but its pretty much my forcing myself to sound "not nuts" for a bit, to not worry that particular person...or to look "productive" at work.

I'm so tired, you have no idea.

My only reason for wanting the hospital right now is that they will get me on an antidepressant quickly, and one that works and get me out of this hell I'm currently in.

Oh, btw...got my utility bill, $542. Yep, its right too. Apparently, they weren't getting my meter readings, and I was underpaying. No car this next month either. I don't even care about it. Doesn't matter to me...but my kid is pissed about it...had to take him to school this morning and the brat said, i don't want anyone seeing me in this POS car. Brat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 3:45pm

so what do you think would happen if i went off my meds???

i did fine forever without them...didn't seem to have a single problem til i went ON all these crazy mood stabilizers...i'm getting a bit crazy here...

just really sick of taking meds that don't work and make me feel like you know what...