I am not feeling any better...MAJOR TRIG

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
I am not feeling any better...MAJOR TRIG
3
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 1:58pm

I ended up taking more xanax...about 25 and I definately got some sleep for awhile. I am driving today and feeling pretty hung over but I am being careful. I stopped here at the library to get a copy of my bank statement because the printer at home isn't working right. Nothing seems to be working right. Billy has been leaving me alone to go work on the house he is selling. I just try to take the xanax so I can sleep and not feel the pain of my mom being gone. This isn't going to well for me. I see my tdoc in a hour and I am going to see if she thinks I should go to the hospital or not. If she says I do then I will have to sneak there so Billy won't see me. He is upset because I want to go to the hospital. He said all you do is run to the hospital when things get bad. He doesn't understand why he can't help me. He asked me if I needed a babysitter and I said basically, yes I do. He isn't up for the job because he has too much to do. I am so out of it that I actually got lost in my own neightborhood. I had to think where I was going. I had to go to Social Security for a paper saying how much I get from them to give to Social Services. I need to deal with them like I need a whole in my head. If I want my meds I have to deal with the Goverment....those a$$wholes.

I can barely stand the pain of her being gone. It wasn't real to me before when I was in shock but the shock is wearing off and it is hitting me so darn hard. I know she is in a better place but I am not. I am selfish and want her here with me. I feel so alone. I know I still have my Bf and my sister and my dd but it doesn't seem to be enough right now. I love them all but this pain isn't making me want to be around. I don't want to get out of bed and do anything and I am angry that I have to.

I don't even know if going to the hospital will help. It won't bring her back. I am so confused. I didn't take any xanax yesterday because I knew I had to drive today but I am still very much sedated. I will stay away from them for a few days unless I get real bad again...feeling too much pain. Xanax helps me stay in a trance and sleep to advoid the pain to deeply. I wanted to cut myself yesterday so I could feel the pain somewhere else besides my heart. I just don't know what to do with myself. I know they say life goes on but how...how does life go on????

I love you all

Tina~

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 2:12pm

Tina,

Please please please promise me that you will be HONEST with your tdoc this afternoon about how you're feeling, and how many xanax you are taking, okay?

Billy cannot understand...hear me when I say that to you! He cannot understand what you are going through and that you NEED the hospital. YES, the hospital will help you. I'm at the point where I'm considering it myself. Please, please, please, just tell your tdoc what you're feeling, tell her how much xanax you are taking, and that you want to go inpatient, but Bill will get mad. Just tell her that, and let her handle it FOR YOU. Okay?

That's all you have to do.

You are going to die, honey...unless you do this. 25 Xanax is a lethal dose. God wants you here...for your daughter. She still needs you. She's just confused right now. She would be totally lost without you. You know that, deep down inside.

Get the help you need. Let your tdoc take care of it all for you. You're gonna have to let Billy go for now and get yourself some help. He will understand, I promise you he will. I've never been wrong before, right? Trust me.

I love you. I'll continue praying for you, honey.

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 2:43pm

I agree with Keli....and wtf is up with Billy???

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God could not be everywhere, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 09-13-2005 - 6:29pm

Tina,


By now I imagine you've seen your tdoc--I sure hope you leveled with her and if she says go to the hospital--you go.