just trigs all around...
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| Thu, 09-15-2005 - 8:06am |
k, so i go to pdoc today at 12:30...she never DID call me back yesterday...so whatever that means...that's the first time in 4 years she's not called me back...anyway...
i didn't take the prozac last night...i'd already started crashing yesterday anyway, so marci must have been right, and it was only a mood swing...i went further up and up and into agitation, and then irritability and by then time i got home, i couldn't stand anything and everything, and then cried, and tried to lay down, and couldn't, and it was horrible horrible horrible...so finally, i took some ativan, i think 3 or 4, i don't know, and went to sleep...woke up this morning, depressed and in pain all over my body from the fibro...
i can and HAVE taken a lot...but even I have a breaking point...
my dh yelled at me last night...
i am so far behind at work its not even funny...its crazy...i am going to be in so much trouble, if i don't get going, but i just can't right now...
can my pdoc NOT understand that i can't do this anymore??? i am totally depressed...this is not episodic...it won't go away...i don't care if i cycle...i will always cycle...but at least its better than this...
i don't want to go to the hospital...but it might be my only option and that isn't fair...at least there they get me stabilized...i just don't want to be there...its so lonely, and it sucks...and i don't want to go...
but i'm NOW in constant emotional/mental turmoil and now let's just add physical pain in for a laugh...whoever decided that one??? they think its funny?
i need a break...i'm only one person...and i only have so much strength...i've used it all up now...its been a long long long time since i've had a break...
i can't even take a shower some days...i can't even do that much. its all i can do to get home from work and get on the couch...its hell. then my mind plays tricks on me...it tells me how easy it would be to go back to doing my "bad things". or how easy it would be to go get in the car and drive til there was no gas and then drive into a tree...but then my rational mind tells me i wouldn't die, i would only hurt myself permanently and be worse off then i am now...i am still rational. i think everyone can relate to that though...
i don't want to be manic...i know how to do THAT. i just go off meds...take some pills...go nuts...but that's not what i want...i want to be okay again...why is it so hard?
i just can't do it...how much longer do i have to do it?

oh Keli....this is one of those times I don't know if I should say nothing...or let you have it (in a good way).
YOU CAN DO THIS...you do this all the time...everyone tells you how strong you are, and you know you are...deep down.
God could not be everywhere, so
(((Keli)))
I'm sorry to hear that things are so rough. I wish I could take your pain away. I hate to see those I love in pain. You deserve so much more.
How was pdoc appt?
Love you lots,
Amanda
co-cl of the Get Organized board
Thank you sweetheart...
I love you too...
BTW: Stable depressed is not stable...stable in my opinion is stable feeling good.
Did ya think you could get that one by me?
:)
If you're going off Elavil, what are you going ON?
Keli,
Hugs...ya..ya...stable and depressed isn't stable, but I'm not that bad. THIS is not what my depressions are like.
It's not elavil that I'm going of it's Epival aka depakote in the States. It will probably take me 2 more months to get off it (my pdoc goes sooo slowly for everything) and then I'll probably be on nothing for a couple months (yes I do think she is a sadist) and then the first suggestion of my family doc was lithium because it works even in unipolar patients and borderline personality somewhat, and then a month later pdoc (who had agreed that lithium is a possibility) said maybe lamictal, who knows what it will be next week (after another month between appointments). I'm going to ask her to up the perphenazine (anti-psychotic). I've been ultra rapid cycling, psychotic, and having trouble sleeping.
Yes I am changing meds and still only see her once a month. It is impossible for me to get an appointment any sooner than 4-6 weeks. The only time I was able to was when I had a bad reaction to the epival...hmmm...still stayed on the med after that....why is that?
I am especially dreading the two months without meds. Pdoc says that the antipsychotic works as a mood stabilizer and should keep me from flying through the roof. The other thing is 2 months from no will be November. So November to January I'll be without meds. At that time it's not mania that I'm worried about, it's suicidal depression. Last year I managed to ride the mania until