Just need to think about stuff

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
Just need to think about stuff
2
Thu, 09-15-2005 - 5:00pm

I am so sick of being all over the place. I cant even have one mood all day long anymore. Sometimes I get sooooo irritated with the kids and they dont even do much of anything to push it. I just dont even want to hear them or see them or anything, and that makes me feel soooo horrible, then I get depressed and sad and dont do anything at all. And thats on the days when I can even get out of bed at all.

DH got mad at me last night because he said I havent "felt good" for months. I had to sit down and explain to him, well this day I was sick, this day I was depressed, this day I was this and this day I was that. The only times I can do anything is if I am manic, and then its only until I get so irritable I cant stand anyone. Then I swing back and forth over and over in the same day and that just makes me feel like a loon. Then I dont know whats real and whats not and I feel like life is a dream world and nothing I do or say really affects anyone or anything so even if I do nothing it will still be ok, and then I get behind in school and the house is a wreck and DH is stressed out and the kids are confused and wonder what the hell is going on with me...I mean damnit man, they actually ask me "mom are you in a good mood today?" I am so sick of this. My babies are little kids and they deserve a decent mother who is sane and can do things with them and realize whats going on around her and be there for them, and I am not.

DH went to the doctor today and got his lab results back, his triglyceride levels are like 600, and 150 is a good level, but the doc said before they were like 5,000. So he is improving but not enough. His HDL levels were the lowest the doc had ever seen, 17, and the lower they are the worse it is. They are supposed to be like 40. So his health is really bad, we knew that already but I didnt understand just how bad it was, and for some reason he just doesnt work on it like he should. I am so afraid that one day he is just going to die and I am going to have to do things on my own again. I cant do that.

\He told me last night I should find a tdoc. I have only been to one tdoc ever, and it was a school psychologist for two weeks, so I am really freaked out. I have a great pdoc but now my insurance company is saying her office isnt in the network which is a bunch of bull because I got her name and number off their website to begin with....grr. I hate insurance companies. So we owe pdoc like $400 which we can afford to pay but not on a regular basis, we are just lucky enough to have the money right now. I dont want to have to get a new pdoc, and I am scared to death to look for a tdoc...I dont know that I want to talk to anyone about anything, I dont want them to put me in the hospital or anything like that. I dont talk to anyone at all about things that I think or feel but you guys and DH, and he doesnt really get it...he just worries.

I just want to have the same mood over and over and over again, even if it was bad, at least it would be predictable and I could figure out how to work with it. This back and forth and all over the place just isnt working out.

Sorry I rambled so much

Rebekah

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 8:35am

Hey Rebekah,

Welcome to the world of rapid cycling Bipolar...you need to tell your pdoc about your rapid cycling at your next appointment...it does suck...i've btdt now forever it seems...hopefully, they can adjust your meds and it will help a lot.

Feel free to vent or talk as much as you want or need here. We SO get it. :( Unfortunately.

My son is 15 now and STILL asks me about my mood...but he's getting more used to it.

Hang in there.

Love and Hugs,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 9:51am

I'm very sorry you are going thru this right now...and I agree with Keli...get on the phone with the pdoc and get the meds adjusted and soon !!!


As for dh and the trigycerids...there is someone here at work as well that has that problem..they just did some tests on her thyroid and its all out of wack.

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