New here. Just diagnosed as Bipolar
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| Fri, 09-16-2005 - 11:06am |
Hi everyone. My name is Stephanie, I am 30 years old, and I've had depression since I was in high school. I've been to various therapists over the years, but most of them either did nothing at all, or made me feel worse. The one I have now is awesome, but I only get to see her once a month. I've tried different meds in the past, but none seemed to help much. I was on Prozac, Serzone and Buspar many years ago, but I never noticed any difference with them. After my son was born I was on Lexapro for about a year. I felt good on it at first, but it seemed to stop working over time. Near the end it made me feel kind of empty and like I had no conscience, so I switched to Effexor. It worked good at first too, but after about a year it also seemed to stop working. I was having some serious mood swings that seemed to be tied in to my menstrual cycle. I'd feel great and positive for 2 weeks after my period, but then I'd crash and feel awful and evil for the next two weeks leading up to my period. I thought it might be PMDD, so I went to my gyno. He switched my birth control, but suggested I might be bipolar and told me to see a psychologist. I thought, yeah right, but I made an appointment anyway because I wanted to try something other than the Effexor. Also, I was planning to try to get pregnant this winter, so I was hoping to get off the meds altogether. Anyway, I switched birth control pills and also started taking Vitamin B6, B12 and E, which are supposed to be good for depression and balancing out moods. After a few weeks I stopped getting those monthly mood swings. I still got mood swings, but now they were totally unpredictable, and the really low moods could last anywhere from 2 days to 2 weeks. I went to the psychologist and he told me I was bipolar. I said I don't really recall having any manic episodes, or at least not destructive ones, like overspending or not sleeping for days, etc. But then after thinking about it I may have mild manic episodes. I generally have VERY low energy, but there are times when I feel so energized that I will do 5 loads of laundry and organize stuff. Like the other night I woke up at 2 am and felt wide awake, so I went through all my old maternity clothes and organized them for a friend who needs to borrow some stuff. Could that be considered a manic episode? Anyway, the doctor did switch me from Effexor to Zoloft because it's safer to take when pregnant. He talked about putting me on Lithium, but I said I wanted to try the Zoloft alone. For the first two weeks I felt awful. I was in one of the worst moods I'd been in for a very long time. I felt angry, irritable, and just wanted to do nothing and be alone. Then he upped the Zoloft to 100 mg and said if it doesn't start working he wanted to try something else. I did start to feel better after that, a little more energy and a lot less irritable. Anyway, I just saw the psychologist again yesterday, and he wanted me to start taking Lamictal along with the Zoloft. I still wasn't sure I was bipolar, but he told me that bipolar women tend to feel good almost immediately when they start a new antidepressant, but over time it stops working. That has happened to me with every antidepressant I've taken, so maybe I am bipolar. Somehow I feel like a failure though. I had really wanted to get off the meds completely, but instead I'm taking even more. And I still really want to get pregnant this winter, but I don't want to have to be on the Lamictal during pregnancy. But then again I want to be able to enjoy being pregnant this time. Before I became pregnant with my son, I was SOOOO looking forward to being pregnant, but almost as soon as I got pregnant I became irritable and depressed. I wasn't on any meds at the time, and the whole 9 months I constantly worried and stressed so much that I couldn't even enjoy it. I don't want that to happen again. Anyway, I just feel kind of down because it seems like I'll never be able to get off medication. The doctor also said that when bipolar women try to go off meds, they are much more depressed than if they'd never started the meds to begin with. That sucks. I wouldn't mind being on them after I have the baby, but I really didn't want to be on them while I was pregnant. I don't know what to do. Part of me feels a little relieved to have a diagnosis, because I always felt like I had something more than just depression, but part of me feels broken and angry about it. My parents both suscribe to the idea that when you're feeling down and irritable it's just because you're feeling sorry for yourself, and you need to suck it up and just change your attitude. I know that's crap, but there's a part of me that keeps beating myself up for not trying harder to feel better. I think maybe if I'd exercise more or do more charitable things for others, I'd feel better about myself. Maybe I am feeling sorry for myself too much. Ugh, sorry for rambling. I just feel very confused right now. Is anyone else taking Lamictal? How long does it take to work? Does it really make you feel better than just taking an antidepressant alone? I am also on Deseryl to help me sleep. I think it works almost too good though. I couldn't wake up this morning! Sorry for the novel. :) TIA for reading and for any advice!
Stephanie

Stephanie,
Welcome to the board!
WELCOME STEPHANIE !!!
I could have written post almost word for word.
God could not be everywhere, so
Hello and welcome...this is a good group and you'll find great support here.
Just jump right on in and post away! And NEVER apologize for rambling! We all do it!
Hugs!
Keli
Welcome. Your story sounds a lot like mine. I am 30, have tried many different ad's only to have the work then stop working. I also hate the thought of being on meds the rest of my life. I have not totally accepted that yet, and am trying to though. I don't feel like they do a whole lot for me.
Is lamictal dangerous while pregnant, if not, I would definately stay on it. I had to have my last baby induced because I got so depressed at the end (at 38 weeks). I hated it. A healthy and happy mommy is important to your child and future children, IMO.
I hope to "see" you around here often.
Missy
Hi Stephanie :)
Its good to "see" you here. I was just dx'd with Bipolar disorder in May and am still working out the meds with my pdoc but she has me on Lithium and Lamictal both along with Wellbutrin, and they seem to work...very very well at first and now not so well so I am needing some adjustment but they do work after only a very short time. I think it was Marci who was talking about hypomania, and that sounds like what you were going through with the cleaning out the closet at 2 am. For me thats how I knew the Lamictal was working. I know Lithium is bad to take while pregnant, but I am not sure about Lamictal, I would ask your doctor or look online and see if you can find its "grade", I am not sure the exact name for it but each drug is given a letter grade as far as its safety for pregnant women to take it. A is best and I think D is worst, anything B or higher and usually a pdoc will let you take it during pregnancy if you can't go without meds, which usually people who are bp can't from what I have understood so far. Anywho, I am not a doctor obviously but that is what I know and what I think too :) Good luck and I am glad you are here
Rebekah
Welcome Stephanie,
Everyone here is right. This is a great place to be. A little hard to keep up with IMHO...it's taken me all day to get this far!
Don't worry if you can't keep up lol.
Post as often as you like.
Amanda
co-cl of the Get Organized board
Stephanie,
I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply to your post. I've not been at my best, but I want to welcome you to the board. You have already received a lot of great advice. I personally never was on meds when I was pregnant. Just be open to the docs suggestions and above all else always be honest with them. They are going to do best by you if you remember those 2 things. If your pdoc knows you want to get pregnant again, I'm sure he/she will be very careful in what they prescribe you.
Don't ever apologize for rambling. Lord knows we all do it! That's why we're here. To vent and support each other. Just keep coming back and keep us posted.
Glad you found us! Take care.
Hugs,
Traci