Susan, how are you?
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Susan, how are you?
| Fri, 09-16-2005 - 12:37pm |
You okay? Haven't seen you post today, or much yesterday...just checking on you...hope you're okay. I'll be back to check in on you later.
Love and Hugs,
Keli

as a matter of fact i'm scared to death of how BAD i am.i had written the novel on here but it didn't take so i'm too exhausted to rewrite it.
at least there gets a point in your illness that everyone pisses you off so you STOP beiing too nice for your own good.
now my dd is suffering from anxiety & can get herself to throw up & has missed 5 out of the 7 schooldays.
i'm trying to decide if i should allow her to be in a comm. theater production if she keeps playing sick.the doc says its nothing & as soon as she talks about the prospect of getting her period she cheers up.
my mother says she has emotional problems & i of all people should do something about it.
huh,,i'm still trying to get my husband to agree to me going to the overpriced doc myself.
mymother also tells me my middle dd is messed up b/cause of me cause she said"don't take my pic...i look fat"...i happen to know that tomorrow she'll complain bout being too skinny.
i KNOW...b/c I AM the one that's here....not her.
she doesn't understand why i take care of my working friends kids...but expects me to cut her a big check for some rich friend of hers who lost her vacation house in new orleans.
perhaps that was too mean.it's just that she wanted me to write the check out of my own accident inheritence(no account)instead of conveniently writing a check from the checking account my h & i share.
she thinks she's like freaking wonder woman.
don't i feel blessed?asks this woman w/ 2 homes in exotic places & a new wealthy husband.
uh yeah mom.i'm blesses.i have 3 beautiful kids & a home & a husband who loves me much more that i love him.
BUT i have this incurable disease that will NOT allow me to enjoy any of it & people behave as tho this is a CHOICE i'm making.
i'm still devasted over my friends suicide...HE was the only person who GOT IT.now he's dead dead dead.
& you know keli,that guy..the married one who used to hit on while i was going thru that destructive affair that rocked my world,well he watched me go thru the whole nervous breakdown(trying to hide it b/c i had a job coming up that involved CHILDREN)i saw him in the street & fat as i was he was so glad to see me & said i looked great & flirted but i couldn't imagine the guy was such a maniac thaT he's put me on the spot so i ignored his come ons...ok i didn't ignore him,but i dealt w/ it in my usual coy susan way.
my last conversation he called when i was again thinking the suicide option & was quite a mess tho clear i wasn't going back on that miracle poison lithium.he asked me how my libido was.i don't have one.comeon...when was the last time you came?
eeeewww.
so much for so called friends.
sorry..i guess i'm feeling bad for myself & sleeping more than not & just HOPING my h gets the cue to put me back in the hospital(too inconvenient)or drag me to the doc i cannot afford,
wow...when you haven't been feeling so bad for a while it hits so HARD.
i'm taking so much prozac you'd think i'd go manic(i purpously carry NO money & i'm rtoo ugly to screw around(my manic symptoms)i did rearrange all the furniture in the house(& if it was too heavy to move i threw it down the stairs & got out of the way tho i'm still black & blue...& i dyed my kids hair magenta...but still the height of my mania so i do not think i'm manic at all.
Okay, Susie Q...sounds a bit, no, a LOT like a mixed episode to me...a lot of depression with some dark mania thrown in for good measure...now, speaking from my own experience and from that of others I know, mixed episodes are NOT good when you are very unstable. You can check YOURSELF into the hospital. I know you know that...and I know how difficult it is with your DH to do that...but I just wanted to SAY that to you. You're getting pretty close to a psychosis, and you know what happens when you get that close. Its hard to "keep it together" when we get that close.
I know you miss your friend...both of them. I miss my "manic man-friend" too lots and lots of times. Lots of times. But I have to stay very far away from him. You're not fat and ugly. Say that five million times. I'd lost about 15 pounds or more. Now, I've been eating again for the last 2 weeks and I'v gained it back. I'm trying SO hard not to let it get me down. But it is. I hate it too.
Yes, we have this evil illness. But we have to fight it...there is NO other option.
I want you to call your DH and tell him you need to go to the hospital again. Can you do that for me today?
Stop listening to your mom right now. She IS NOT RIGHT. Okay? She's not.
I promise it will be okay. But you need medical help right away. Prozac ain't gonna cut it. Its not even gonna make you manic, and I KNOW that's what you're trying for...believe me, I KNOW. I've been wanting the same thing for months myself.
You'll be okay, but you need some help in getting there...you've been here before and you were just fine. Its just another episode and you gotta have some meds. Not Lithium. But something.
I'll be here for another couple hours.
Love and Hugs,
Keli
you fascinate me.
really.
anyway...no way am i going to any hospital ...i have jury duty to appear to next week,my kids have countless bday parties to go to & my h has to go to vegas for business.
there's just me.
but i guess that's what keeps me alive so i can't complain.
i only know a little...but what i do know is only from going through it myself, over and over again...unfortunately.
and i understand about not going into the hospital...just be careful...and keep yourself grounded as much as you can, missy! :)
you're right in what you just said too, our responsibilities sometimes do keep us alive...pdoc said i could take some time off work if i wanted/needed, but i don't want to...i need to be at work, even thought i'm not doing much work!
hang in there, my friend!
keli