Traci!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Traci!
7
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 8:20am

Hey! I got your Yahoo message, but not til late last night sorry! I only get it thru my cell, and my battery is almost dead...I left my charger at my parents a week ago...they are bringing to me today at lunch time...anyway, I see you had a rough weekend...I'm really sorry you crashed so hard...I hate when that happens...it always happens to me that way too...and I never know, somehow, thatits coming...or to expect it, even though it always happens...stupid, i know...

Okay, I think I must have missed something. What did your mom do to bail you out? What's upsetting you most? I know you're apologizing to everyone for a reason, miss thing, and i hope its not what i think its for...

If you want to talk on the other board, I'll go there...

Love ya,

k.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: keli003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 11:19am

**********triggers***********


keli,


i don't even know where to start. the thing with my mom was she *loaned* me money to get me through the immeidate financial situation. the problem with this is she likes to use loans as leverage - guilting me into doing for her at her every beck and call. last time this happened, i repaid her and things were looking like i'd be able to move out and she just went on a tyrade - binging everynight the whole 9 yards. i stayed......i'm still here.


as for what's hurting me the most - i don't know if there's one answer for that. i've been struggling to stay safe. thursday night i blew that. friday and saturday were ok, 'cause i made sure i was around my kids. last night after i went to try to go to bed my brain kicked into super high gear and i couldn't shut it off. and i couldn't handle it either. i'm weak.


now at some point today i have to call tdoc and 'check-in' because that was an agreement we made on friday. i'm not sleeping again, and there's now 2 episodes of si she doesn't know about. i've so blown it and i hate myself for it. i really don't know what to do at this point. before last night's episode i had planned on telling tdoc about the episode thursday night and that i'd managed to stay safe since. i can't do that now. i'm just a freakin' mess and feel like i'm letting everyone down.


thanks for listening. i just wish i could not be such a disappointment.


traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: keli003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 1:15pm

STRONG SI TRIGGERS.....
....
....
.....
......

you are not a disappointment, you're bipolar...join the club...again.

how many times have you heard me say all these things? only about a billion.

you were triggered...your stability crashed...it happens. unfortunately, it happens...i'm sorry. i wish it didn't...but, you have to go deep into yourself and pick up the pieces somehow and find your strength again. i don't know how...if i could tell you how, i would...if i knew how, i would share the secret with everyone...but even i have to search and search and search and fight like hell and i've been doing this forever.

You have been here before, and I've seen you fight your way out of it. So, you CAN do it...its a matter of want...you have to WANT it...i know it sucks...I know its easier to lay down and die...Its easier to cut yourself and feel the blood drip and watch it pool...Its easier and feels better to do it that way...but ya know what? You don't have that luxury! You hear me? You have to get UP and fight your way back to the land of the living because of your kids! They need you TODAY...not tomorrow...not next month when the bills may be better...Don't miss out on something really special.

I know it feels like hell right now...it IS hell right now, Traci. But, it can't last forever...and the more you fight it, the better it will be for you.

I love you and I am only trying to be true to you...but you know that.

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: keli003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 1:40pm

i just need my head to stop spinning. there's more to this in another thread on the other board. but basically what it's all coming down to is having to do the one thing that terrifies me to no end because my kids do need me today. i just can't think straight right now and need to and i can't figure out how to and it just goes round and round.


i appreciate everything, i really do. i don't want to sound ungrateful 'cause i'm not. i'm just not thinking straight right now so my words may not show my thanks.


t

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: keli003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 2:01pm

k,

sending you the strength vibes you need to do that "one thing" today. You can do it! I promise you you can do it! I'm right there beside you in spirit and it will be OKAY. Deep breath and GO.

Post back to me, here or there...either one.

Love ya,

k.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: keli003
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 4:52pm

keli, i made the call i needed to make. i got her voice mail - someone's looking out for me. left a message that i was just checking in as we'd agreed and haven't heard back. if she calls me back i guess

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 8:06am
I'm glad you made the call...how did the rest of the night go? and this morning?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: keli003
Tue, 09-20-2005 - 9:21am

keli,


i know you are having a really hard time right now too, so this will be brief.


didn't hear back from tdoc, so my message must have been satisfactory. -dodged that one.


last night was not much better than the night before.


this morning i'm here.


but i want you to take care of you. i won't