Feeling Desperate
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| Wed, 09-21-2005 - 2:05pm |
I've been posting on this board for a short time, mostly because a most tragic course of events in my life triggered my mania and I can't seem to help my racing thoughts and impulsive, crazy ideas. Long story short: threw my H of 19 years out recently because he broke my handicapped DS8's arm. Just moved into a new house, completely modified for DS's handicap, but it's not 100% finished and I HATE it. Not to mention the new and improved mortgage payment is an albatross around my neck.
I could totally relate to igemini's post about her sick kids: when DOES my break come???? This Spring was the closest to "normal" my life has been in like a decade, and that only because me and H's rebuilding efforts seemed to be paying off and we were about to begin construction on this wonderful, modified house (with a master bedroom suite that was going to cost a freakin' fortune, but who cares because H makes plenty of money, right????) Grrrrrrrr.
I'm so freakin' tired I don't know what to do. I had a real brainstorm last week. Called a guy who I'm friends with and suggested we have dinner. I'm ashamed to admit that I didn't have the most spiritual motives. Unfortunately, this guy started to think I have really been in love with him all the time we've known each other, as he has been with me, and got all emotional on me. I was just looking for some "companionship," and he was looking to be husband #2. I had to get honest with him last night and that sucked because he was tremendously hurt (I thought guys LOVED the idea of totally uncommitted, open relationships!!!!!) and I felt like a pig.
I give this example because the mania is driving me to do really stupid things to get out of myself. I don't drink or use drugs (by choice and court-order!!!). Yesterday I left work early and went out and ran until I couldn't run anymore, and that helped. I also do alot of yoga and sometimes that helps. I just don't know what the heck to do with myself anymore. I keep getting these horrible/wonderful ideas for things that will make me feel better about me, and I'm apparently not in the state of mind to be able to judge the sanity of these ideas. I don't know how to stop acting out on them.
I saw my pdoc this morning and she upped my paxil and took me off risperdal. I feel like its a big juggling game with these drugs sometimes. You still feel like crap so they tinker with them alittle more. If you get a combination that works, I guess it's just by dumb luck.
Anyway, if anyone out there has been in a similar predicament and has some hope to share, please respond. I'm afraid I'm going to cause major harm somewhere in my life or to someone else and I don't seem able to either control my impulses, or assess the possible harm to myself or someone else as a result of my actions.
Please, please help. I'm pretty desperate. Love, Mo.


(((Mo)))
I don't really have much to share...I just wanted to say hi, let you know I'm thinking about you and we are here to listen, and you can do this !!!
God could not be everywhere, so
Mo,
I am SO sorry I didn't post yesterday...wasn't a good day for me, and I was totally swamped at work with deadline stuff...anyway, how are you feeling today? Any better?
The mania you're experiencing is scary, and I'm wondering if you're on any mood stabilizers??? If not, you really should call your pdoc about getting on one quickly.
I've been in your shoes a million times. Truly. Its scary, when it feels like everything is spiralling out of your control. If you don't get a grip on it, then it really WILL get out of your control. That's what mania does.
I've kept up with your posts about your dh. Have you thought about reconciling? It seems like you really want to...maybe I'm way off base there, if so, I'm sorry.
Let me know how you're doing today.
Love and Hugs,
Keli