My WHOLE truth
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| Sat, 11-27-2010 - 1:01am |
I have been holding some things back from this board. My T and Pastor have said that human behavior is like an onion, and you have to peel back the layers. The prominent layer for me was to get over my 7+ year affair with xAP. And this board has helped me do that. But as I give advice and share insight, I feel now that it is only right for me to share my full story.
I am a serial cheater. Not only did I have a LTA (long term affair), I also had one night stand, and another PA that didn’t go ‘all the way’ but was still harmful to me and others. And I had both of them while IN my LTA.
My history: I grew up with what I considered very ‘loving parents’. But my dad had emotional issues that left him unable to lead our family. (I am the first born) I felt that I needed to protect him (This has taken a year of T for me to see this). I was desperately searching for a leader in my life. I have more drive and ‘verve’than the rest of my family. So they never knew what to do with me. I had all this drive and noone to show me what to do with it. I got married young, thinking that H was a leader type, but it turned out, that was his mask for some of his childhood hurt. So I was disappointed. So I subconsciously looked elsewhere. All three of my AP’s were very prestigious business leaders. I was searching to feel validated. I had a deep deep feeling of being unlovable. So, while in the LTA, I confessed all to LTA xAP, and he ‘forgave’ me. Which made me feel even more indebted to his ‘love’. As I have said before, he became God to me. I thought that if he could get past all I had done, I MUST be of worth. Never did I consider why he might be willing to enable my self-sabotage. Obviously, he had his reasons. But back to me.
So July 2009, I confessed all to H, although we had trickle truth for about two weeks until it ALL came out. I confessed the first more uhh....‘minor’ A’s first, still protecting LTA xAp at first. But once the truth starting pouring out, I couldn’t stop it.
Was I a Love Addict? Probably. But no more. Thanks to deep IC and my faith. I have learned so much this past 16 months. And I now realize that the truth and full impact in what Susan B Anthony said. "Woman must not depend upon the protection of man, but must be taught to protect herself." Not only from the world, but from our own insecurities. We are our own worst enemies.
If it seems my post jumps around and is ‘random’. It is! That’s how I think. But hopefully you get the jist.......
PS The most amazing thing about this post, is that my keyboard kicked the bucket, and the spacebar doesn’t really work with out me beating it to a pulp. Sobegladitdoesn’talljustlooklikethis!

Hi Heart,
Reading your post opened my eyes even further to a few truths of my own.
Thanks Jen.
Hi Heart7,
Thank you for having the courage to post this. I believe it furthers the idea that ending an A and going NC are only part of the ending process. It is so important to find out the “whys” and use them to implement appropriate changes so we don’t find ourselves on going down the dark, unpaved, dead end alley way that was littered with overflowing bins of trash.
Your whole truth will lead you to become a whole healthy person and encourage others to do the same.
With much love, respect and admiration,
E1
Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Heartache i loved your post. Like Jen it made me see some stuff too. My parents were great but I have always been attracted to 'take charge' men. My H was sort of wilder when we were young but he has matured into an easy going lovely guy- but happy to let me lead. This has caused me no end of frustration, which accumulated into falling heavily for a very alpha type successful man.
The fact that you were with your exAP for 7 years is an eye opener or me. I was with mine for 18mths but it was really the first 3-6 that were great. I wanted to have the affair for a long time but to se that even after 7 years it doesnt work is a real eye opener for me- thank you!!!
I am like you- all energy and drive. I wish I could be happy of that and not exernalise my need to feel 'taken care of'. Wish there was a solution to that.
Iggyxxxx
Even though I was looking for a leader, it was me who was finally
Hi Heartache,
Your post really touched me. I thank you for your honesty and posting it to all of us.