Update on Me...long...
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| Fri, 09-23-2005 - 8:47am |
I'm doing much better now finally. After 2.5 months of hell, I'm finally out of my depressive cycle. I don't even know how to act now. I'm scared as heck! LOL. Seriously, though, I am doing better. I've even gotten 1/4 of the way caught up on the last 2 months worth of work that I was behind on. I've been pretty busy at work the last couple of days. I have today's work planned out as well. I am trying to take every day as it comes, and not think everything to death. I have a huge problem with that. I think everything too much. I overanalyze my moods. Then I kill them, by doing so. Or something like that. Its hard to explain. Maybe someone can relate. I'm just scared of feeling "good" after feeling so dang BAD for so dang LONG. Ya know?
But anyway, ENOUGH THINKING KELI!
So, my meds currently are 200 mgs of Topamax, 20 mgs Prozac at night, 1 mg Ativan as needed all day long, 1 mg Risperdal at night, and only 7 mgs Lamictal right now (1st week of VERY SLOW starter pack)...eventually I will get to 100 mgs, HOPEFULLY I won't get the rash, please pray! I came off Lithium, its been 3 days now, and added the Risperdal too...and that's when I started feeling better. So who knows? Could be the Prozac too...
I've also been in Fibromyalgia hell for 2 weeks now...it seems like its getting a bit better the last day or so...but its really hard to tell...my muscles and joints at first were just hurting BAD, now they (some of them only now) are just like having this burning sensation...its strange...i'm pretty darn sleepy all the time too...and my stomach is having issues as well...don't like it at all...but, oh well. I can deal with it.
Things with my Mom have actually gotten really good through all this. I've been really honest with her about my deep depression, and even wanting to give up...having the Fibro, and just being in bad shape...I told her I couldn't do EVERYTHING...that I felt pulled in about 50 directions and was feeling pressure from EVERYONE all the time...its been better...I've not gone there for 3 weekends now (including this one). So I will go next weekend and see her. Its helped, I think, being honest with everyone. I have some issues I have to be honest with my Father about, but I just can't right now. He is not being faithful to her, and she knows it, well, suspects it...and she calls me about it, and its starting to stress me out. I can't do that with him. So, I am thinking of emailing him. Would that be too lame of me, to email him and tell him of my concerns? Its not my business what he does, but when he is in very real danger of hurting my mom and in turn me and my entire family, I feel I must say SOMETHING. I love my Dad very much, and I even understand WHY he is doing it and I will NOT stand in judgment of him period, but I need to say something about what it could do to my mom and me. Does anyone understand that? I can't do it in person, I'm too chicken.
Well, I just needed to get that out and talk a bit. Its been a long time since I could really talk about anything other than stupid Depression.
Thanks to all who listened.
Love and Hugs,
Keli

Keli !!!!
God could not be everywhere, so
((((Keli))))))
I am so glad you are feeling better! I know what you mean about overanalyzing everything and thinking too much. My friends always used to tell me I think too much and that was probably half of the reason I was depressed in the first place, I knew it was partially true, but being me I blew it off. Anywho so I just wanted to say that I am thrilled for you and can realate on the whole overthinking bit.
As far as your dad, I think if you cant do a face to face about the situation, have you thought about calling him instead? Sometimes email seems very impersonal and he could take some things you say in the wrong way and get them out of context and you are not there to explain how you really meant something and clarify things, so he could send you a scathing reply about something you didnt mean in the first place and then it starts a huge cycle of family struggle that could have been avoided in the first place.
It also might mean more to him that way, that you took a leap to actually try and come to him about it instead of hiding behind emails....I do not know much about your father at all so if I am out of line then I am sorry and forget everything I said, but if its a semi-normal father-daughter relationship I think this might work out well. I can understand not wanting to do it in person, but by phone if it gets really hard just say "I love you dad I have to go" and hang up...then its over.
Love and Hugs
Rebekah
Hi Keli,
This is sort of redundant as I already posted you back on my thread, but YIPPEE for you to be feeling better. I was hoping that would happen for you! The sooner the better!
Good luck on the Lamictal... you know my feelings about it (LOVE IT!). I had NO side effects from Lamictal, no rash, nothing. They say if you go slow, you are much less likely to get the dreaded rash. Really, from what I've read, it's pretty rare, but it can be serious, which is why they warn you about it.
I hope everything keeps going well for you.
Oh, and about your Dad. If something is bothering you, try writing it out, even if you don't send it. Driving yourself crazy thinking about it is not good. And if you do send him your thoughts, my only advice (from personal experience) is to get your point across, but *gently* ...I am way too outspoken when I'm upset and have really bungled some communications with my family in the past (My brother has not spoken to me in years... Although, to be fair, it's not all my fault... his wife is a self-centered, whiny, you know what! Gosh, I really dislike her!)
Ok, I am writing way more than usual. Hope I didn't overstep on anything.
Catherine