unsure of my feelings

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
unsure of my feelings
5
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 1:48pm

Hi,

I'm new here, or should I say I used to be here years ago. I'm Mom to a 7 year old son and he lives with his father.

The reason he lives with his Dad is long and complicated but it had to do with him being totally out of control and me whipping back and forth between hypomania and depression. His Father doesn't know about the mood swings but my little guys out of control behaviour was precipitated by a bad school and neighbourhood environment, and my moods weren't helping. Was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life to watch him drive away that day.

That was last December. Since then I've met a man that I love with all my heart and we live together in a family friendly area in a 2 bedroom apartment in an area with an excellent school. I really want to bring my boy home.

My mood has been mostly stable, and I see my little guy every second weekend, but notice that I get cranky and annoyed when he is here and my ability to keep him calm and do as he is told seems to be limited. I usually go through a depressed day before and after he visits.

I'm not sure if I just consider the fact he is not here permanently unacceptable and I'm trying not to get too emotional when he is here, or whether having him full-time is beyond what I can manage. I am on disability as it is and cannot work.

I have been pretty much stable for 4 years. I take Lamictal and Seroquel, with 1 mg of klonopin every 4 hours through the day.

I don't know whether anyone can understand what I'm going through, I'm prepared at this point to go to family court and petition to have him back, but I don't know whether I'm more afraid, or selfish, or just can't stand to be without him any more.

If anyone got this far thanks for listening

Elspeth

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 1:55pm

Hello and Welcome !!!!


I can't say I know how you feel, or understand.

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God could not be everywhere, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 2:01pm

Hi Elspeth,

I remember you! I was just coming to the board, when you were on and off, and then you didn't post anymore. Teri was CL back then. Anyway, welcome back. I can totally understand your feelings. Sort of. Nobody can really understand YOUR feelings, with YOUR child. Raising a more difficult child when you are yourself battling a difficult disorder is in itself quite the challenge. My son is/was/is ADHD, maybe Bipolar (undxd as of yet). When he was small, from the age of 3 until he was around 12, I thought I was going to lose my mind...then I did. Literally. He's now almost 15, and much more stable and I'm trying to get there again. Been dxd for 3.5 years and am a very ultra rapid cycler. Needless to say, its been hard. But, I digress.

What I really wanted to say was that I think if you want your son to come live with you, go for it. You KNOW the difficulties. You KNOW how hard it may become again. Its not going to be easy. Your stability may become affected. But, it may not. That's just how BP is. Ya know? Can you start slow, maybe? Have him more often than every 2nd weekend at first and build up to it? I worry a bit about what you said about having a depressed day before his visits. That may be a red flag.

Do you have a tdoc? It might be a good idea to talk to someone professionally. I don't know.

Anyway, I'm glad you came back! Please stay with us for a while. We'd love to have you again.

Hugs,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 2:56pm

thanks both of you,

I think I still experience a lot of guilt because he's not here with me, not to mention my behaviour when I was still living with his father. His Dad was abusive to me, although hes an adequate Father and is not abusive to my son.

Jamie has been dx over the years with add/adhd, ODD, and BP. He's been dx and undx dozens of times and has even spent 3 weeks on a psych ward when he was 4. If I had been considering the conditions he was living under (watching abuse) I would have realized that his behaviour was probably mostly motivated by his environment and not a pathology.

He's still very distracted in school and I think their patience will eventually run out and they will be asking for a re-evaluation for add. He's currently in 2nd grade and functioning intellectually at the right level, advanced in Math, but still gets some of his letters backwards and the school is starting to have concerns about that because he seems to think they look right that way and there is no convincing him that he's writing them incorrectly.

I think the depression before he arrives is anticipation of the fact that he's leaving again. I have seen so many red flags from him that he needs me so much, and that he would prefer to live with me. I am a very laid back person and so is my boyfriend. My boyfriend Steve loves his visits and is a kid at heart, loves to play with him and keep him occupied when he's bored.

All that being said he would have to leave his Scout troop, swimming lessons, his after school program, all his friends....etc. This wasn't such a big deal when he was just barely 5, but now at 7 he's created his own universe and dragging him out of it and starting all over with me may be more destructive than constructive.

I guess I'm going to have to have a wait and see attitude with the whole thing perhaps not having him is affecting my moods more than I think. I'm an ultra rapid cycler and can wake up depressed and be climbing the walls by supper time. After that I can be ok for days.

I hope that it's just a hole in my heart that won't go away until he's back home instead of Mother's instinct that he would be better off with me. I have a really hard time distinguishing between the two. I'm very impulsive and my pdoc continuously reminds me of that, insisting that I give it more time to make sure that it's what would really be best for the both of us. I suppose I will have to listen to her.

Thanks
Elspeth

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 3:22pm

do you have daily phone conversations with him?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Fri, 09-23-2005 - 7:40pm

Welcome back


I do know how you feel about not having your child live with you. My dd moved in with her dad the first time about 4 years ago. I just found out that I was BP and not just depressed. I wasn't stable at all yet on meds. I was a train reck. My dd moved in with her dad because I wasn't able to give what she needed and security was what she needed at that time and I guess since I wasn't stable i couldn't offer her stability. Well, she came back with me full time. We did pretty well for awhile and then she wanted to not go to school and was having problems with anxiety and depression. I put her in counseling and she started to make a little progress. But she still wasn't happy living with me. She was when she first came back and then she decided she wanted to be with her dad again. My mom died a month ago. My dd told me she was moving in with her dad the night before I buried my mom. I felt pretty abandoned my her but now I am seeing it was a blessing. I am grieving so bad and miss my mom so much that my moods are up and down all day long everyday. The last thing I could handle is a teenage girl(16) with her sarcastic additude and giggling and on the darn phone all the time. Even though that is some of the joys parents get, I couldn't habdle it everyday right now.


Donna has suggested that you see your boy part time. I think that is great advice. You will be able to see him and learn to deal with his misbehavior and temperment. You will get to also enjoy your time with him and still have the option of having time for you. That doesn't make you a bad mom by being a part time mom. Sometimes it makes us better moms because we can have that time to deal with our own feelings and emotions when we are not with our kids. I would take it slow. Give yourself time.


has your son ever been in counseling before? I was just wondering because you said he acted out alot. Keep posting.


Tina~