it's getting worse

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
it's getting worse
4
Sun, 09-25-2005 - 4:51pm
& there is no one to tell.
i'm alone w/ the kids for 3 days & i sometimes wish i didn't have any b/c then i could be dead.t-doc is trying to hurry my appt w/ new p doc...she already scolded my h but i am so all alone alone alone.why does it hurt like PHYSICALLY.
people think i'm just being stubborn b/c i won't get hooked on the lithium again.i still can't get the weight off. & what no one understands is that i never felt pretty till i was 40 & then by age 43 i thought i was the most comfortable in my body i would ever be & i'm not willing to give that up by 44.
selfish.
stupid.
but that's how it is...the ONLY person i could talk to is DEAD i am so mad & i am so mad that i waited so long to call him.now he's dead.
i should be so lucky you know...my h loves me but i don't love him back the right way & it's ruining the color of everything,you know.
t doc says he prefers me sick but doesn't know it.'i told him i wanted to go back to the hospital & he said no.my insurance has run out for the year.t doc says that's not true.
when i was put on the lithum i was told to throw away my sedatives.i did & my husband fished them out of the garbage & i found them & now that he knows i've been taking them again he asked if i was a stupid idiot or what?
then what the hell did he fish em out for?
i only have enough for one good day of being knocked out(i found the right combo yesterday.then they're gone.
i want to be gone.
old old memories are hurting me like a physical gut & heart wrench.why should they.they're just memories.some of the bad ones don't even hurt but the dumb stupid ones are tearing me apart.
i wish i wish iwish for my heart to stop beating.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 7:36am

Susan,

I'm sorry you're hurting so much and it DOES hurt physically. I know exactly how you feel. I hope tdoc can get your appointment with pdoc hurried up quickly. Please try to stay strong. You can do it, I know it. I know you don't WANT to. None of us want to when it gets THAT bad. But somehow we HAVE to. You have 3 absolutely beautiful daughters and right now, you are all they have. So, you have no other choice.

I'm sorry your friend is dead. But I know he wouldn't want you to be hurting so badly right now. He would only want you to be getting some help for YOU. Okay? So try to hang in there til you see pdoc and get some meds.

Talk to me today if you can, okay?

Love and Hugs,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 9:57am

Susan,

Hang in there. It CAN get better, sometimes you just have to pull through the rough spots for a while. Try to stay strong and I hope Tdoc and Pdoc can help you. You deserve to be happy and stable, just remember that!

Catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 10:04am

I'm so sorry you are hurting so much...I wish there was something I could.

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God could not be everywhere, so

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 5:41pm
isn't it weird how h couldn't get ahold of new p doc at all & i managed a 9am appt for tomorrow morn in just one call.
the drawback...1st visit...500$ in cash.
it had better work.
then my mother called & ruined my life some more.
i just took my last dose of mind numbers.i love the sleep they bring.i'll miss it.
shoot...i'm so lonely & i feel as tho my husband is trying to keep it so i'm his only friend.not on purpous but that's how it's turned out.
i think he arranged for my dad to come by & spy on me while he's out of town.
oldest didn't go to school again...vlaimed a panic attack.she feels much better when we discuss oncoming puberty.my mother thinks i'm ruining them.
gee..i don't know...i am what you see.my kids might do better KNOWING mom ain't perfect rather than finding it out by accident one day.