everyday.....

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
everyday.....
12
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 8:00am
i let one kid take the day off from school while h is away.
it's a terrible thing for a mother to do but i like the company.my dad comes by but it's not the same.
so i'm making rachel sit quietly in the waiting room while i see my new outrageously overpriced dr.
maybe i want her company.
i cannot imagine being better.i cannot imagine not feeling like this tho i HAVE.i don't remember what it feels like.
i read these boards & i wonder if there is any hope for any of us,you know?how can i give strength to someone else?i have none.
people don't get that i'd give up the lithium cause it makes me fat & pee nonstop if it makes me feel good but they don't get it'sbecause i don't always REALLY feel good & then i'm just left w/ fat & wet pants.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: suziq_3
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 8:13am

susie q!!! u r so cute! i needed that smile this morning!

there is hope, there HAS to be hope, ya know? that's how we HAVE strength...because of hope...

u go to that high priced doctor, and u be firm about what you feel, and what u want to feel, and what u won't take. okay?

and come back here and post to me, i'm very lonely...and i don't wanna work at all!

:)

hugs and love,

k.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
In reply to: suziq_3
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 10:07am

I agree with Keli...be honest and get what you need to make you feel better.


This is going to sound so cheezy...but I have been working out more lately, and its helping.

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God could not be everywhere, so

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: suziq_3
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 11:40am
i love you both!
yeah well,i cried more than i wanted to...& the doc even said he recognised borderline behavior(someone tell me what the hell borderline IS?)
he wants to see me next week(ONLY 375 NEXT TIME...but you know if you think about it,if i have to see him every few months,its like what some women pay for their hair..but h won't see it that way)
he (doc) says i'm resisting treatment w/ all my what ifs the point being that i'm VERY suicidal BUT still not willing to endure side effects..he could pass me offf to a cheaper dr. at methodist but he saw that i already see that as rejection.
i'm going to work out some compensation from my insurance co. but if it means i have to work i'll start up my kids theatre workshop again.not alot of money,but its some.
again...i love you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: suziq_3
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 12:14pm

sus,

Did you get any meds, hon? Borderline, borderline, borderline...well, I can tell you...but i don't have much time right now...its yet another disorder...borderline personality disorder...means basically, (VERY basically) you act out, out of fear of rejection, out of anger, etc. There is SOOOO much more to it, and it DOES kinda fit...I'll talk to you more about it later this afternoon...I have been labelled with it too. I've not exactly accepted it totally, but I never do...I know in my heart they are right though...all my tdocs I've ever seen have said I am, and now two 2 pdocs have said it too, must mean something...

Anyway, lemme know about the meds...k?

xoxo

Avatar for singergal4u
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: suziq_3
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 1:02pm

I ask myself some of the same questions everyday. I wonder why I'm inflicted with something like this and did I do something bad in order for me to be the way that I am. Am I ever going to get better? Will I be able to help someone else out when they feel like crap the same as me? What am I supposed to say to someone else who posts? Do I still feel like crap and post something happy which makes me fake? Who knows?


I feel for you and I'm sending you {{{{SUPER BIG HUGS}}}} which is about all I can do!!!!











Christina; wife to Jeff; mom to Jeremiah, Brieanna, & Gavin

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: suziq_3
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 1:05pm

christina,

u post only what u feel like posting to someone...even if its just what u posted, your feelings...okay? u don't have to save anyone...or the world...or your husband...just yourself...so u can take care of your beautiful kids! k?

u CAN do this...one minute at a time, maybe...but u can do ONE MINUTE, right?

of course u can...

we're with u...

hugs.




Edited 9/27/2005 1:15 pm ET ET by keli003
Avatar for singergal4u
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: suziq_3
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 1:18pm

Again thanks Keli!!!!


You seem to be in a very good mood today and giving all of us who are down a cheering section!!!! I know that once I'm over my funk I'll be able to do that too.....I'm just waiting for the funk to be over!!!!!











Christina; wife to Jeff; mom to Jeremiah, Brieanna, & Gavin

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: suziq_3
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 1:21pm

Actually, my mood is sorta kinda just there today...I've found that reaching out to others helps when I can do it, ya know? I'm not down like I was yesterday though, thank goodness...I've gotten some stuff done at work and need to get going. I just know how it feels and I want everyone who is there to know it WILL end. I was just there myself and it was pure HELL. But it did end and I didn't think it ever would.

We're all in this together.

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: suziq_3
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 2:05pm
ya know what?my dad just asked me the same ?.....i spent 500 & walked outa there without so much as a refill...ok...maybe that's WHY he wants to see me next week.i'm taking my h w/ me.
but shoot.no more trileptal or beloved sedatives.
Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: suziq_3
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 5:07pm
SO.....smart ole me.....i resorted to alchohol & then wrote a help me letter to a friend who could give a ****.
i cannot beleive i left w/out even asking for a refill.........................500$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!& i feel as tho he's waiting to assesss me.does he like me?does he like me not?

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