I hate it...

Avatar for momtwofourboys
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
I hate it...
5
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 8:42am

I hate bipolar and what it has done to me and my family. I hate that it controls me. I have been dealing with it since I was 12 more than 1/2 of my life. I am one that takes meds till i get to feeling better than - off the meds. Now I am back on my meds depekote. I like it - I feel normal. I want so bad to quit taking it, but cant. Heres the scoop. I had been maintaining for about 1 year with out meds. I would be manic at work - classic overacheiver then come home and snap on dh, poor dh. THen in January I started failing at my battle with anorexia - went from 150 to 105 by june. Took time off work from may to june. Did not help (a lot of things going on). Got put on an antidepressant (mistake) helped with the depression, but still would not eat. I became manic. So much so the police officer in town went to my sister in law and village clerk and asked if i was on drugs I was pacing the sidewalk in front of my house 2-3 hrs a day. So funny thing is I was not on drugs but needed to be.

THe kicker is now I am somewhat stable on my depekote - my son who is 6 is now on abilify. He has childhood onset bp and it means that I have to show him that staying on his meds is okay and healthy, but I am not good at it. God, I hate it. I wish I did not have it and my baby boy did not. I hate waking up in the morning not knowing what my day will be like due to him or me. I quit my job due to my son could not keep a babysitter and the fact my own bp was out of control. I was trying to improve my performance and be the employee I once was - the mania was not there. I could not muster it. I hate that I can only work for short periods before my bp wont let me. Now with my ds having bp, working maybe impossible.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 8:55am

Hello Jen and welcome to our support board...there are many of us here who are caring, supportive to each other and like you, hate BP. :)

I'm glad you found us, you'll find a lot of support here, and its a good place to come vent, talk to others who can relate to what you're going through, and find friendship. I hope you'll stick around.

I'm Keli. I am 34 and have been battling BP for about 20 years, though I was only offically diagnosed about 4 years ago. I hate meds too. Am struggling right now, as I rapid cycle and not many meds work for my form of BP. But I try very very hard to hang in there with meds. I've done the same thing you've done too, felt better, come off meds, maintained for a while, and then went off the deep end. Its just not easy, either way you do try to do it, is it?

My son is almost 15 and most likely has childhood onset BP too, though right now its being called severe ADHD. We'll just wait and see. He's not medicated at this point and is okay at maintaining on his own for now.

Anyway, again, hi and welcome.

Hugs,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 9:06am

Hi Jen,

Well I think I can speak for everyone on this... we all hate BP!

On the other hand, as I am sure you know, medication can help.

The problem, as Pdocs call it, is 'non-compliance' with taking meds. I have had the same problems, as do a lot on this board, with convincing myself to stay on meds when I feel better, or when I feel they are not working properly.

What my Pdoc said to me is, "if you were a diabetic, and we got your blood sugar under control, would you stop taking insulin and risk a coma?" That got me thinking. BP is a life-long illness, controllable with meds and sometimes therapy.

If you find a medication that works for you, you really have to take it forever, unless you want to risk "kindling" which is a term that means every episode becomes worse than the last one.

*** Possible Triggers Ahead ***

BP is a horrible thing to live with, there is no cure, only helpful medications that dull the symptoms. I watched my Dad refuse meds and go completely psychotic. It was not pretty and it was dangerous for him and everyone around him. He finally committed suicide and left us all without him. I miss him so much and I wish I could have helped him, but it is almost entirely up to the BP person to seek help for themselves.

*** End of Triggers ***

Do it for your kids and your family. I guarantee they want you to be happy and stick around for them!

Catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 9:42am

Hi and Welcome !!!


Sorry to hear you are having trouble...and like everyone already said...we all hate it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 10:47am

jen, welcome to the board. and you have definitely found the right place.

Avatar for momtwofourboys
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 2:02pm

Thank you all for the warm welcome. I am glad to find a place where you understand me. I find in the real world it is hard.

Jen