A very difficult decision

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
A very difficult decision
16
Mon, 11-29-2010 - 9:31pm

I am sad to the point of numbness today. I am sad almost to the point of disbelief. Yet I am calm. There is no place left to hide or to escape to. I am faced with myself, the shambles of my M and the decision of what to do with the rest of my life. I know I must work on myself and face some truths. One of those is that my DH is never going to be able to meet my needs. We are just too different, with different drives, interests and goals. I have been with him longer than I've been without him. 28 years. This realization, which I am finally ready to face, is very difficult.

I told my H tonight that I am done with the M. No hysterics, no drama. He knows what I'm talking about. He's been absent both physically and emotionally for a very long time. We went to MC earlier this year (during one of my breaks with xAP) and I thought things were going to get better. And they did for about two or three weeks. Now we are right back to the same place where we co-exist in the same house but nothing more. I just don't have anything left to give. I don't have any more words for him. I am just done.

One of my dearest girlfriends pointed out to me Saturday night that I've been sitting on the fence with my marriage for as long as she's known me--about 15 years. I was always too afraid to leave even though I knew then that we were not longer right for one another. We were kids--20 and 23--when we got married. We "grew up" together but we grew apart. It is very hard for me to write this. It is very painful to face this truth, but I can't keep doing this...being so unhappy, not getting my emotional needs met. I had an A 21 years ago, 8 years ago and now again with the first AP. I can't keep doing this, either. It is not fair to him and it's not fair for me to look for satisfaction outside of the marriage. We have both hurt each other in different ways.

I am posting here now because I just spent about 30 minutes sitting outside with a cup of tea and letting my mind wander back to the beginning of my A (this one--pretty sick that I need to clarify that, isn't it??) I was thinking of him, how we first met, how he made me feel when I was with him. I was starting to get into yucky and dangerous territory. So I stubbed out my cig and came here to post how I am feeling right now.

I read some of the stories here--Dee, TU and Luvin come to mind immediately--and I find strength in them. Whatever happens, I will be okay. I am tired of running from myself and I'm ready to take full responsibility for my mistakes but also for my own happiness.

The circumstances that xAP came back into my life are so coincidental as to be uncanny. He came back into my life at a vulnerable

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Mon, 11-29-2010 - 9:56pm

Hey Alwayst,

(((((((HUGS)))))))).

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010
Mon, 11-29-2010 - 10:46pm
Always...I completely understand how you are feeling!! This was the topic of my counseling today..I am going to tell H that I really don't want divorce..but won't live my like this..I will clearly spell out what behavior is NOT acceptable and if those things don't change (temper, lying,game playing, passive agressive behavior) then we are done. Its one last shot for us and if things don't get better then I'll know I gave it everything I could give. We have been together for almost 29 years and married almost 25..it is very hard to come to a place where you realize it might just not work out..I feel everything your are feeling and I'm sorry you are where you are...hugs to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Mon, 11-29-2010 - 11:13pm

You know...I think I heard you LET OUT A BREATH...when you were done writing this.

DECISIONS are so much more of a start and opportunity than riding that fence, aren't they?

You are a BRAVE WOMAN ALWAYS.

I hope with decision comes the peace and possibility that you desire so greatly; because God KNOWS...YOURE worth it.

xo,

michelle

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2010
Mon, 11-29-2010 - 11:52pm

Always2 I am thinking of you tonight!

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Mon, 11-29-2010 - 11:59pm
Hey Always, Big ((HUGS)) to you, sweetie. Wow. I cannot imagine it either, being in your situation. But what you are doing and the point you have gotten yourself to speaks VOLUMES about your self-care...you have pulled through the turmoils of the A world, and are examining your own RL for what it truly is. And if there is no future for you and H, you have no choice but to press forward and continue on your remarkable journey to healing. I am not sure if you have kiddos...I am pretty sure you do. Divorce with kids involved is never a piece of cake, but it is also important for your kids to see a healthy YOU. I am sorry for your loss of this M, and I wish you all the very best in your continuing goal of doing what is best for you. You are so important. Never forget that!! :) Hearts<3
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Tue, 11-30-2010 - 12:32am
Hi alwayst2,

Thinking of you and sending you a big hug. It is a big step you are taking so be gentle and kind with yourself. Take each day as it comes and go as slowely as you need to through this process. One of my regrets when ending my marriage was rushing through it all, as Melinda said your M wasn't built in a day and ending will take time and patience. Sleep well alwayst2 my thoughts and prayers are with you:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Tue, 11-30-2010 - 6:55am

I went to bed after I posted last night so it was truly heartwarming to read all these supportive responses this morning. Thank you ladies so much. I am going to need you more than ever.

DH and I will talk more about what we are going to do and how we are going to handle things later this evening. We aren't going to rush into anything and we're def going to get through the holidays first. We have much to think about and decide and like I told him, I don't want this to be one-sided.

We have two children who, fortunately, are young adults graduated from college and

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Tue, 11-30-2010 - 9:41am

Dear Alwayst2,

A decision

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
Tue, 11-30-2010 - 10:05am

((((((Alwayst)))))))),

I just wanted to also tell you, I was where you are right now 15 years ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2006
Tue, 11-30-2010 - 10:52am

Oh Always-

I am struggling with the exact same situation myself.

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