tdoc got me back on track-i think
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| Wed, 09-28-2005 - 10:21am |
***Long***
first, i want to thank you all for your patience and support this past week or two. i know i was hating living with myself and can only imagine the thoughts that crossed y'alls minds when you saw another post from me.
i got my labs done monday, pdoc's office called me back yesterday and increased my depakote. so hopefully that will help with the chemical stuff and maybe throw some of that "s word" my way for longer than 2 weeks this time.
as i said in another post, i stopped taking the bulk of my meds the night before last and have slept well for the past 2 nights. calling pdoc today to go over this. tdoc seems to think this (albeit she's not a doc) might be a good thing. but was insistent that i thoroughly discuss this with pdoc. so, that's on my list of things to do today.
i also asked her my questions about this wonderful mood disorder that i put to y'all yesterday. and basically, got the same answers i got here. but i didn't see these replies until i got home and it all started making sense......sort of.
my main problem.......the bottom dropping out once again.....was also discussed. i told her that's why i stopped all other meds. i'm done. i'm tired of this garbage. i'm spinning my wheels and can't seem to get out of neutral. she finally connected the dots for me. this all started when my x and i had the e-mail exchange about increasing the child support. that much i knew, but could not for the life of me accept that one 'let-down' or problem could knock me back down to where i was. i wasn't giving the 'problem' it's due. his denying the increase created a whole multitude of problems which threw me out into orbit.
which made her (and y'alls) explanations of why the bp chose now to rear its ugly head easier to grasp. each traumatic event that i've encountered in the past 6 years has made each episode worse because i haven't gotten on the right med(s) and become stable.
and this led me to an alanon meeting last night where i was duly reminded to accept the things i cannot change and the courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference. i can't change the fact that i'm bp, i can however accept it. i can change the child support situation. and now i just need to do a few things to get that going. as an acoa it will be hard as i don't do confrontation well at all, but for my kids i have to gain the strength and courage to do it.
so by the time i went to bed last night i was feeling better.......more in control of my own life, rather than just spinning silently in my own self-created cyclone. thank you all again for your patience and understanding. i apologize for being so whiny the past couple of weeks.
hugs,
traci



First...don't ever appologize, you know better !!!
God could not be everywhere, so
omg, u finally sound like YOU again...thank god...i am so relieved; as i know u are much more so than i am...u've come to the realizations that i've been trying to get u to c, but just couldn't verbalize well...sorry for that...sometimes it takes us seeing it for ourselves before we really "get it". i'm so glad u finally "got it" for yourself.
one single trigger can cause such chaos in our bp brains that we go "into orbit" as you put it. my whole family thing did it to me, and luckily i've been able to put it all into perspective and get some things into control again there as well.
i'm happy for you, traci, and am sooooo very thankful u hung on; i'm sorry i wasn't more helpful, but just glad its all getting better.
love ya, girl.
k.
(((keli))) hun, DON'T apologize! i said tdoc helped me get it, i didn't say it was pretty! i think if she could have grabbed me by my shirt and shook me yesterday to get me to hear what everyone's been telling me for the past 2 weeks she would have. i don't know, i guess until the past couple of days my brain wasn't ready to process everything i had to. ya know? don't know if that makes sense.
but you have been a life-saver more times than you realize for me. i may not have 'gotten' what you were telling me fully, but got it enough to stick around. i don't want to tank again, and i hope that pdoc and i can get the meds right and that i can get things straight w/ the child support thing. then, i can move forward. but, accepting that i am bp means having to accept that crashes might happen. and i have to deal with them when they do.
i just may need a swift kick in the rear from y'all to keep me in line. how are you doing?
love ya girl!
traci
thanks donna,
i don't know i just couldn't accept that one single episode dealing with him could trigger such a bad episode. i hate the fact that he can do this to me. and i so hope that one day i get my meds straight and i'll be able to tell him what he can do with it without feeling like i need to run and hide from him.
tdocs answers have spurred more anger but at least i know that that i'm angry at things i can't change so i just have to accept it. anyway, i know what i have to do now and just have to do it.
apologizing is second nature to me. you'll learn to overlook it;) lol!
hugs & love,
traci
i'm doing well...but like you, hating that the next crash may happen...hate that so much i could scream...just trying to enjoy what time i have stable, ya know? going to mom's this weekend, and we are kicking my dad out, to go hunting...so i'm making cauliflower salad saturday night and we're going shopping saturday afternoon and then i'll go home sunday afternoon...i'm actually looking forward to it, i haven't been in 3 weekends...
some good came out of it after all...they aren't pressuring me at all, and now they KNOW they can't. so, that was good.
i have a tdoc appt friday and i don't know if i want to do the emdr stuff or not...i'm finally more stable and don't know if i want to stir things up again...i will talk to her honestly about it and see what happens...we'll see. pdoc says YES BY ALL MEANS DO IT AND DO IT NOW, but i don't know just yet.
i took the day off work friday...we have major assignments, and my boss better get in gear and let's get them done cuz i'm NOT coming in. period.
i want to get ALL my errands done and relax before my parents pick me up at 8:00 p.m. friday night...we're gonna go out to eat with my bro and SIL and niece too before we go back to Georgia, so that might be nice...i haven't seen them in a long while.
anyway, i'm good for now and i hope it lasts.
love ya,
k.
keli,
i'm glad that things are well with you and that you have let your parents know that you are your own person. it sounds like you've got a fun weekend planned:)
as for the tdoc appt friday....first- what is emdr? it sounds ominous just based on your reluctance. but recall that i said my meeting w/ tdoc was effective but not pretty........i don't want to do the things i have to do because it scares that crap out of me........like waiting for a beating. but i have to do it to get better. so if i gotta fight,honey, so do you! you've got my number so use it if you need it.
we are all going to get through this crap! we have all learned that A. we are strong, and B. we have each other here and our IRL support systems too.
love ya,
traci
Traci,
Apologies are never necessary--are you old enough to remember the line from Love Story--"Love means never having to say your sorry.".