Therapy Tomorrow ....trigs, SA

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Therapy Tomorrow ....trigs, SA
9
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 8:31am

be careful......triggers......

situational sa details mentioned....no sexual details mentioned though!!!
about a child being helpless...and an adult now being angry!

trigs
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trigs

trigs

trigs

Okay, so I've been relatively stable for the past week. A record for me, really, if you look at the last 3 months. So, given my new found stability, I am a bit torn as to what I should do. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. I am supposed to start doing EMDR therapy. EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing. Go to google and type emdr and you'll get tons of info on it. Its pretty intense therapy and I'm terrified of it, to be blunt. On one hand, I'm ready for it, because then, finally, the sexual abuse memories can be reprocessed and they will go away and I can move on after 28 years. A lot of my PTSD symptoms, which mimic BP almost totally, will be alleviated almost completely. My flashbacks will go away. My self image could improve, and my self hatred, of which I have A TON, MAY go away with continued therapy. I would still have a lot of work to do, but a LOT would be eliminated with the EMDR sessions. The EMDR sessions would mean my recalling every single detail that I can remember about the SA. From the way the room looked each time, to the way my brother would knock on the door when he was locked in the other room...the way he would call out...and i would be locked in, couldn't escape...never could escape...i am haunted by that...that's why i always help my brother no matter what!!!! i can't NOT help my brother to this day, 28 years later...it was my fault, you see...because of me, and what happened to me, he was locked away in a room...

see this is what i'm talking about...am i ready to get this over and done with, or will this jeopardize my stability????? i don't know!!!!!! i really just do not know. i have to call my pdoc and let her know how i am this week, a check in, today...should i mention it??? she wanted me to do it though even while i was SOOOO unstable, because she says this will make me soooo much better.

i guess she knows what she is talking about. i trust her implicitly. i'm just scared i guess.

i do want it over with. i'm terrified, though...

and by the way, what i described above, with my brother, that's a new memory...i get new memories a lot...i'm so ready for it to go away...

i knew there had to be a reason that i felt SOOOOO protective of my brother...and now i know why...

god dammit, now i am so freaking angry with that person...i have seen that person since all this happened too...but that was way back when i was pretending nothing like THAT ever happnened to me.

i'm sorry, i guess nobody wants to hear about my stuff.

should i just delete my post?

i will, if you guys want me to, but i really need you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 9:04am

ok...first of all, I guess I'm either not following you or I don't know the entire story..but why in the hell are you protective of the preson who assaulted you?

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God could not be everywhere, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 9:14am

oh, sorry...

it wasn't my brother...it was an older cousin...who watched me and my brother...

he locked my brother in a bedroom...then took me in another room...he was 4.5 and i was 7...i remember him banging on the door, crying to get out...scared...me, locked in the other room, can't get to him...

i have many many years i don't recall either, and he was only with us for a few months...god! i hate him so much...my tdoc asked me if i'd ever confronted him and if i ever wanted to...no, never have, sometimes i want to...

i will do the therapy.

Avatar for cla3a
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 9:16am

Hi Keli,


I have never heard of EMDR. IMHO you are stronger than I am for even considering it. I am a coward, I chose not to remember or think about what happened to me when I was Jackie's age.
I have been blocking it. Just my way of coping I guess. I think it would be normal to be scared under the circumstances you are using the therapy for. I can understand why you are hesisitant to do anything that might shake you from the stability tree you are

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 9:23am

I chose the same thing too, to not remember...to block it out...then it all came crashing down on me without my consent...so i was kinda forced into all this.

Thanks, hon...

Love
k.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 9:35am

((((((keli)))))) first off, don't think for a minute that we don't want to hear about your 'stuff'. we're here for each other. how many times have i heard that lately?!?!


definitely talk to your pdoc about your fears and know that you ARE doing the right thing with the EMDR. if you can get the ptsd off your plate, maybe then your bp will be easier to treat? i can really feel for you and the emotional pain you are in right now. i wish i could make it just go away without having to go through the intensive therapy, but i just can't. if i could, all of us would be better and we wouldn't have a need for this board.


i definitely understand your fears about jeopardizing your stability! all i can say to that is that the longer you prolong the emdr, the

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 9:51am

oh hon...I am so sorry, I had no idea....no wonder.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 10:56am

Keli,

I've heard a bit about EMDR. They are using it quite frequently now with the Marines coming back from Iraq. In my understanding, it is all about retraining your response to memories... sort of desensitization, I think.

I would guess it's pretty hard at first, having to remember painful stuff, but from what I've heard, it really does seem to help a lot of people.

Oh, and I am actually *glad* to hear that you are angry at your abuser. That's way better than feeling like you should feel guilty, or that you had ANYTHING to do with his perversion.. Just my own pretty uneducated opinion, maybe I'm off base on that, but at least the anger is going out, instead of in...

I think the goal is to eventually place the blame on the person (or event) that caused you so much pain, learn to accept that you had no control over what happened, and then finally be able to just let it go out of your life.

I wish you the very best! I hope it really does help.

Catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 2:48pm

Keli,


I am glad you are going through with the emdr. I know it is scary. I never did it because no one ever mentioned it to me. I heard about it after I did alot of hard work dealing with my SA. I do know it is a very deep intensive therapy, but I have heard it has alot of good out comes.


I didn't talk to any tdoc about my SA until I was 21 after my dd was born. I did confront the person (my brother) who did that to me. I was scared to death to talk with him about it all. My brother said he was sorry and we talked about some of the things that happened. I did that approach and not the emdr, like I said it was never mentioned to me. I have been working on that issue for along time. The weird thing is I still had a relationship with my brother...a brother sister relationship. He was in jail alot so I didn't have to see him alot, but when he was out I seen him frequently. It was always hard for me because when I would look at him I would get flash backs of what happened. Before he was in the car accident and died he told me 2 more times how sorry he was that he messed me up like that. He was 13 and I was 6. Nothing can take back what he did but I am glad he was sorry and was remorseful for what he had done. I guess I am lucky in that part of it.


I still have times when in the middle of sex I have to push Billy off of me because I can't breath and feel trapped, so it is still with me. I feel like I am being raped and I feel dirty. But there are times I am fine with sex. That is why I want you to do the emdr because if it will take those type of feelings away then that will be great for you. I was told by several tdocs and pdocs that I devalue myself because of the SA. And watching my mom get beat ALOT by my dad didn't help as far as a good example on how to value yourself. And I am still working on liking myself, though I have come a long long way, I still have a long

 
Avatar for schitz
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
Thu, 09-29-2005 - 10:46pm

(((((((((((((((((Keli))))))))))))))


I don't know about EMDR but it sounds like it could be very positive. I'm glad you're facing this. I too am doing the same (if you didn't know) although not EMDR. I'm doing a group.


I just wanted to let you know that I love and care about you and you are always in my thoughts and prayers.


Love,


Amanda

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