did a really manic thing....
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did a really manic thing....
| Sat, 10-01-2005 - 11:24am |
that i wqould never do on meds.
sometimes thewre are steps that lead to our nervous collapses & when its over we NEVER discuss them.
old friendships that were close can either disappear or just b/come formal.
well..i just emailed one of my prebreakdown friends to ask why.
why she ignored me for the most part but not always.
it's complicated.
but it is the epitome of walking on eggshells.
too many mysteries,ya know?
my friend that has had the hardest hits in life totally dumped me after my hospitalization.
that guy in the hospital goes thru ect & then checks out & kills himself?so i call another girl from the hospital to see how her treatment worked cuz i'm scared & her mother starts to scream at me,why do i want to know where she is & to NEVER call there again.
the reason i am like this.
the reason i can never experience CONTENT.not for long anyway.
the feeling that something is going on that does not include me.
the fact that i have what i want but i HATE it & I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY.
everyone ELSE'S life CANNOT be perfect,their husbands the handsomest,their children the best.
why i cannot let this nice man who is my husband touch me.
why i prefer people who are mean to me & cannot just shrug them off.
why i am so sick.
so i haD To send this note to this friend.
in my manic state.
i just hope i didn't do something ELSE i will totally regret.
...susan..who is going to stay home today while hubby & kids go play in the crowd of a streetfare?
can you IMAGINE me at a streetfare...no meds?too funny.
sometimes thewre are steps that lead to our nervous collapses & when its over we NEVER discuss them.
old friendships that were close can either disappear or just b/come formal.
well..i just emailed one of my prebreakdown friends to ask why.
why she ignored me for the most part but not always.
it's complicated.
but it is the epitome of walking on eggshells.
too many mysteries,ya know?
my friend that has had the hardest hits in life totally dumped me after my hospitalization.
that guy in the hospital goes thru ect & then checks out & kills himself?so i call another girl from the hospital to see how her treatment worked cuz i'm scared & her mother starts to scream at me,why do i want to know where she is & to NEVER call there again.
the reason i am like this.
the reason i can never experience CONTENT.not for long anyway.
the feeling that something is going on that does not include me.
the fact that i have what i want but i HATE it & I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY.
everyone ELSE'S life CANNOT be perfect,their husbands the handsomest,their children the best.
why i cannot let this nice man who is my husband touch me.
why i prefer people who are mean to me & cannot just shrug them off.
why i am so sick.
so i haD To send this note to this friend.
in my manic state.
i just hope i didn't do something ELSE i will totally regret.
...susan..who is going to stay home today while hubby & kids go play in the crowd of a streetfare?
can you IMAGINE me at a streetfare...no meds?too funny.

PARANOIA.that's my brand new gift wrapped symptom.
paranoia.
i'm writing freaking soap operas in my head.
called my neighbor to ask for an ativan,that's how low i've gotten.
she wasn't home...all i had was seroquel..200..so i popped one.
hope it helps.
(((((susan))))) i totally understand the paranoia. do you have a pdoc? if so, when is your next appt? can you call him/her and get some meds to get you through the weekend? sweetie, you need some massive relief and now. if i were closer to you, i'd give you my xanax and my seroquel. pdoc has me on both for the paranoia and the thoughts.
i didn't follow parts of your post, but followed enough to know that you are hurting and manic. if you can't get ahold of your pdoc, go to the ER! your safety is the number one concern. your children and your dh need and love you.
we're here for you too. let us know how you are doing.
hugs,
traci
new pdoc & i'll see him again wed.
i see tdoc tomorrow & she called in my "crises" to pdoc but apparently he didn't do anything about it.
docs are too busy for their britches it seems.
had some vodka & bit off 1/2 another seroquel & i still can't sleep.i'm gonna finish off the second 1/2 of the seroquel.
i don't even recognize myself.
Sweetie,
You are definitely