"you can't handle this. you want too much of me" And therein lies my one
last horrible thing I am holding onto in this mess --- that he thinks I
have ditched him and gone NC because I am so weak! UGH!"
Alice, what's really going on? You see, this is the question you have been struggling with all along; it's not the one last thing, it has been a consistent theme in your ending process. WANTING TO KNOW WHY? See the focus is on him and worrying wondering what the heck he makes of YOUR ENDING. You have twisted it around to make it so that your actions seem weak, instead of seeing them as so strong. You've got it backwards. It takes STRENGTH and COURAGE to end an affair - it's so easy to settle. To become complacent and accept whatever crumbs they have to give. It becomes easier ONLY BECAUSE your self-esteem is so very low that doing anything in your best interest seems nearly impossible. BUT ALICE YOU'VE DONE IT!! So, why oh why are YOU wondering why? These kinds of questions - the ones that focus on him are the kinds of things we do to ourselves to keep self-harming. It's almost as though he no longer becomes the drug you crave, but the feeling of hurting oneself becomes the drug AND HE SUPPLIED IT IN MASS QUALTITIES - the HURT is what's familiar.
It's like what I experienced when I had an eating disorder ... at first I was addicted to the notion of how thin I had become - I loved how thin I had become. But then, I even realized I was too thin, started to eat again, but the 'high' was calling for me - only now it wasn't the high of looking so thin, it was the high of the pain, the emptiness I craved. The feeling of being eating alive from the inside. ALICE - YOU ARE EATING YOURSELF ALIVE FROM THE INSIDE.
"And I am just trying to understand why I allowed it to go on for so long..what is WRONG with me?"
This is the right focus - but remember, we all settled for crumbs - we ALL only offered a fantasy that could never be realized. Even those who think they would have moved mountains to be with their xAP - the lives would NEVER EVER have lived up to the fantasy of the affair. THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITHIN ALL OF US. But instead of dwelling on the "what's so wrong with me" question ... YOU/ME/WE need to get the help we can to find the ANSWERS.
ALICE - you just celebrated a FULL MONTH without contact. That's incredible and amazing. Instead of feeling that as an accomplishment, I see you backsliding toward a focus on the wrong things. This ending is a LONG PROCESS. You've gotta stay the course. Just like baby weight - it takes 9 months to put on, it's going to take at least that to lose it. I am further out that 9 months from my last baby, and I am still working on those last few pounds. You see, having an affair changes our thought patterns - it shapes us in ways that are difficult to recover from. IT TAKES TIME. You want it to be over and done with and move on - that isn't what ending is about.
It is a pilgrimage toward a new life - a new YOU. An ALICE that will NEVER again engage in that kind of self harm - one that will crave the healthy LOVE of those around you instead of craving the HURT he caused to you.
Dear, dear Alice. I think you may be addicted to the drama of ending the A as much as you were addicted to the A itself!!
You've told us you went a whole month NC. You've been trying to end this for months and months. You've known for a very long time that you don't even like him. So, IMHO, you should be much further along in the healing process than what is shown through this post. There must be some reason for that. I don't know what it is, but maybe you can dig a little
I believe this except from your Coming Here First thread back on Nov. 11th has to do with why you find yourself struggling today. I read through this thread a while after it was posted and when I came to this reply from you I thought, “Ah Oh” and not a good Ah Oh.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
I try not to post on this board because I am really working on being so hard nosed. Over the last year I have noticed that I was a very unhappy and mean person but I am working on that. I made some serious self realizations about who I really was. It was hard to admit. For years I saw everyone else's fault but didn't see that woman in the mirror who was void of human feelings and emotion (except for my sons). My wonderful T helped me to look at myself. Not as a victim but the grown woman that I am with my grown woman panties on. I'm writing all of this Alice to ask you if you see the woman in your mirror. I may be wrong but your posts seem like you create drama in your life unnecessarily. Forgive me if I offend you. It just seems as though you sabatage yourself, create a lot of drama and then look outside of yourself for answers that can only be found within. Alice, I have been M a long time and can you imagine before therapy I could count the number of times on my hand I had told anyone other than my sons that I loved them. It had been decades since I even hugged anyone other than my sons including my DH.
I can't remember if you are in therapy or not but it doesn't sound like you are from your posts. Or maybe you are but are not being totally honest with your T. Alice, you're a hamster running on your wheel as fast as you can. Your obsession really isn't even about the OM if you were to be honest with yourself you will probably find other areas in your life where you obssess. Being honest with ourselves is the only way to get out of this big ole mess we created.
Pages
"you can't handle this. you want too much of me" And therein lies my one last horrible thing I am holding onto in this mess --- that he thinks I have ditched him and gone NC because I am so weak! UGH!"
Alice, what's really going on? You see, this is the question you have been struggling with all along; it's not the one last thing, it has been a consistent theme in your ending process. WANTING TO KNOW WHY? See the focus is on him and worrying wondering what the heck he makes of YOUR ENDING. You have twisted it around to make it so that your actions seem weak, instead of seeing them as so strong. You've got it backwards. It takes STRENGTH and COURAGE to end an affair - it's so easy to settle. To become complacent and accept whatever crumbs they have to give. It becomes easier ONLY BECAUSE your self-esteem is so very low that doing anything in your best interest seems nearly impossible. BUT ALICE YOU'VE DONE IT!! So, why oh why are YOU wondering why? These kinds of questions - the ones that focus on him are the kinds of things we do to ourselves to keep self-harming. It's almost as though he no longer becomes the drug you crave, but the feeling of hurting oneself becomes the drug AND HE SUPPLIED IT IN MASS QUALTITIES - the HURT is what's familiar.
It's like what I experienced when I had an eating disorder ... at first I was addicted to the notion of how thin I had become - I loved how thin I had become. But then, I even realized I was too thin, started to eat again, but the 'high' was calling for me - only now it wasn't the high of looking so thin, it was the high of the pain, the emptiness I craved. The feeling of being eating alive from the inside. ALICE - YOU ARE EATING YOURSELF ALIVE FROM THE INSIDE.
"And I am just trying to understand why I allowed it to go on for so long..what is WRONG with me?"
This is the right focus - but remember, we all settled for crumbs - we ALL only offered a fantasy that could never be realized. Even those who think they would have moved mountains to be with their xAP - the lives would NEVER EVER have lived up to the fantasy of the affair. THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITHIN ALL OF US. But instead of dwelling on the "what's so wrong with me" question ... YOU/ME/WE need to get the help we can to find the ANSWERS.
ALICE - you just celebrated a FULL MONTH without contact. That's incredible and amazing. Instead of feeling that as an accomplishment, I see you backsliding toward a focus on the wrong things. This ending is a LONG PROCESS. You've gotta stay the course. Just like baby weight - it takes 9 months to put on, it's going to take at least that to lose it. I am further out that 9 months from my last baby, and I am still working on those last few pounds. You see, having an affair changes our thought patterns - it shapes us in ways that are difficult to recover from. IT TAKES TIME. You want it to be over and done with and move on - that isn't what ending is about.
It is a pilgrimage toward a new life - a new YOU. An ALICE that will NEVER again engage in that kind of self harm - one that will crave the healthy LOVE of those around you instead of craving the HURT he caused to you.
Alice,
You know, drug addicts eventually get no pleasure from their drug, either.
Hi Alice,
I am sturggling as well but for different reasons.
Dear, dear Alice. I think you may be addicted to the drama of ending the A as much as you were addicted to the A itself!!
You've told us you went a whole month NC. You've been trying to end this for months and months. You've known for a very long time that you don't even like him. So, IMHO, you should be much further along in the healing process than what is shown through this post. There must be some reason for that. I don't know what it is, but maybe you can dig a little
Alice,
I believe this except from your Coming Here First thread back on Nov. 11th has to do with why you find yourself struggling today. I read through this thread a while after it was posted and when I came to this reply from you I thought, “Ah Oh” and not a good Ah Oh.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Here's your golden ticket to the answer:
It really sounds like then HIM NOT 'WANTING' YOU...TRIGGERED SOMETHING. TRIGGERED THAT NOT BEING WANTED FEELING.
Boy can I relate. I held on so long trying to PROVE MYSELF WORTHY of being WANTED. All the while..it was just ME.
You're sorting it out now, Alice. You gave yourself the
Alice did u see the link I posted last night from Abandaholics Anionymous?
I try not to post on this board because I am really working on being so hard nosed. Over the last year I have noticed that I was a very unhappy and mean person but I am working on that. I made some serious self realizations about who I really was. It was hard to admit. For years I saw everyone else's fault but didn't see that woman in the mirror who was void of human feelings and emotion (except for my sons). My wonderful T helped me to look at myself. Not as a victim but the grown woman that I am with my grown woman panties on. I'm writing all of this Alice to ask you if you see the woman in your mirror. I may be wrong but your posts seem like you create drama in your life unnecessarily. Forgive me if I offend you. It just seems as though you sabatage yourself, create a lot of drama and then look outside of yourself for answers that can only be found within. Alice, I have been M a long time and can you imagine before therapy I could count the number of times on my hand I had told anyone other than my sons that I loved them. It had been decades since I even hugged anyone other than my sons including my DH.
I can't remember if you are in therapy or not but it doesn't sound like you are from your posts. Or maybe you are but are not being totally honest with your T. Alice, you're a hamster running on your wheel as fast as you can. Your obsession really isn't even about the OM if you were to be honest with yourself you will probably find other areas in your life where you obssess. Being honest with ourselves is the only way to get out of this big ole mess we created.
Pages