Ok, back for good this time...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2005
Ok, back for good this time...
9
Thu, 12-02-2010 - 6:08pm

Well after being here for a few days, and then slipping right back head first into the A, I'm back again. And I'm not going back this time. There was no huge fight, no words I HAD to get out, in his head things are probably still ok, I just can't do this anymore. When I came here a few weeks ago, I was angry, hurt, ect and that really held me back from ending the A completely. I had questions (yeah I know I was dumb), but honestly I just wasn't ready. I'm upset I wasted the last few weeks back in it all, but it did help me feel ready. Since we were back "together" I had detached myself a lot, I had read so much here, and saw so many things in him I now knew were typical mm tacticts, his words weren't working with me anymore. Being here for those few days helped start to change me, and change the way I saw the situation. I no longer stared at my phone every 5 minutes waiting for him to text, I no longer rushed home to get ready and clean my house the nights the girls weren't home in "hopes" he would stop by, heck I didn't even TELL him the nights my girls weren't home anymore. On Thanksgiving I felt no overwhelming need to text him "Happy Thanksgiving", and was no longer making up excuses in my head to contact him (there were a few days I didn't even send him any work emails, and by the end of the day, he was making up excuses to email me). I even got 5 texts from him over a 2 day period because I just hadn't checked my phone for that long (it was on silent), with him trying to find out if I was ok. I just feel done, I have nothing left to give him, and he doesn't fulfill me in any way anymore. I'm not saying it wont be hard, it will, and I get a little anxiety as I type this with the thought of NEVER having anything to do with him anymore (that isn't work related), but I know I am ready now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Thu, 12-02-2010 - 7:54pm
Hi movingon,

I'm glad your back:) when I first ended things I fed myself alot of garbage about trying to remain friends which was a load of you know what. I wasn't posting here at that point I was only reading and on my third attempt at nc I'm remaining committed to nc for me. My struggles are about my issues and blocking as much as you possibly can will be a good thing to do. I don't work with xap but I know there are other posters who do and in the healing library there are tips on maintaining lc nc. I'm really glad your back there is such tremendous support here and I really think you will benefit just like I'm :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Thu, 12-02-2010 - 9:13pm

Moving,

If you are truly done, then be done. You don't need to convince us, only yourself. You can pull away all you want but what you need to do is tell him "I'm Done" due to your LC situation. Otherwise you are only fooling yourself. It's time to get real and say the words. Once that is out there, then the healing can begin.

Hugs, and welcome back.

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Thu, 12-02-2010 - 9:16pm

MO,

Welcoe back. When enough is enough, you just

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010
Thu, 12-02-2010 - 11:33pm

Hi Moving On,

Glad that you have come back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2009
Fri, 12-03-2010 - 2:13pm

Welcome back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2005
Fri, 12-03-2010 - 6:19pm
Day 1 went good! He was only in for a few hours this morning, and he had no work come in so there was no reason for me to contact him :) I'm thinking the weekend will be easy, but Monday is when it will get hard again. I'm guessing he will text me over the weekend, he did a few times last night, and I didn't respond.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010
Fri, 12-03-2010 - 8:17pm
Good for you !! One Day NC. Just ignore his fishing attempts.
You are doing great... Have a wonderful weekend.
MC
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2010
Fri, 12-03-2010 - 8:55pm
MO. Glad day 1 NC is under your belt now. Welcome back. Now that you have put yourself first and have gotten out, start doing things for you to occupy your time like going to the gym or meeting a friendly or family member for tea. I realized part of my withdrawal from exAP was also due tithe fact that I suddenly had all this free time. So I made that me time. Hope you do the same on your road to healing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2005
Mon, 12-06-2010 - 4:27pm

Thank you all for welcoming me back. The weekend was actually easy, lately we have had NC on the weekends anyways, so it felt pretty normal. Plus I had a kid with strep, so my mind was busy with her! Today is day 4 with LC/NC and so far it's gonna really well. I came in to our office decorated for the holidays, and someone put a bunch of decorations on the credenza in front of me, and they actually block my view of MM lol. Luckily things are slow here, so the paperwork that comes in for him is very limited, therefor so is my contacted! I don't know if I'm just numb or what, but I don't really feel anything right now.