Happy Monday......update, SA mentioned

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Happy Monday......update, SA mentioned
4
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 8:39am

Happy Monday to all. I hope everyone had a nice weekend. I did, actually. My parents came and got me late Friday night, we went to my brothers, got back home to their house in Georgia around 1:30 a.m. and my Dad left to go hunting. So, it was me and my mom til yesterday morning. We actually had a really good weekend together. Didn't do much. But had fun anyway. I colored my mandalas (my new hobby I've fallen completely in love with), we sat outside on the porch a lot (they live out in the country) and played with the cats, we made a huge cauliflower salad, ate a lot (I gained back whatever weight I've lost, but I ain't REALLY stressin it right now...okay, maybe a little), and watched t.v. I came home yesterday around 2:00 in the afternoon, and then dh and I grilled ribs outside. The weather here is in the upper 90s one day, mid 80s the next day and still in the mid to upper 70s at night. So still quite warm. But all in all nice. I wasn't stressed out once at my mother's. I plan on going up once or twice a month. They totally understand that and its all cool. Amazing what a little assertiveness and an almost breakdown can do. LOL.

So, Friday was tdoc. We didn't do anything with the EMDR but schedule three appointments back to back on beginning 10/13. However, I have made up my mind that I am not doing it right now. I know you all think I can do it, and am strong and I AM strong. But, this is VERY intense. My tdoc was honest with me and said I would get much worse off again, then I would get better eventually. I will NOT take that chance. I just had day 14 yesterday of stability and I WILL NOT do anything to mess that up. I just can't and I just won't. I hope you guys will understand that.

I'm not having flashbacks anymore. I'm not having nightmares. I get disgusted, yes...but that's going to happen when I think about it period. Ya know? That's a NORMAL response. If I were having these things, the flashbacks, the nightmares, self-injury, etc., I would do the EMDR. But I'm not. I'm not in crisis, and I'm not going to put my stability in jeopardy. Period.

The rest of therapy we talked about my last episode and what I learned from it...basically that I have to be ASSERTIVE about things...I'm not an assertive kind of person, so I have to LEARN HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE. I was assertive with my parents, and look what's happened! I was assertive with my pdoc, and my meds got changed and now I'm stable again! I didn't realize that until my tdoc brought it to my attention on Friday. So I am going to work on Assertiveness. I also learned that I suffered more needlessly than I had to. I should have been assertive with my pdoc a month before I finally went in and said, "this is enough, i will not live like this any more". But I did learn from it, and that's what is important. Right?

I love you guys. Hope you're all doing well. Thanks for all the encouragement you've given me. I hope you don't feel I've let you down. Its not that. I just got my stability back and I just won't do anything to lose it again. Not anything I can PREVENT.

Hugs,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 9:42am

Keli


You have not let anyone down whatsoever !!!!

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God could not be everywhere, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 10:51am

(((((((keli))))))) in no way have you let me down! after reading what that procedure involves, you are well within your right to say NO, not right now! you will do it when you need to, but not before. and that's OK! yes, you are strong and more importantly, you KNOW you are. but you also know your limits. and if that is going beyond those limits unnecessarily (right now) then it's best left alone for now.


i'm so glad you had such a good weekend. you so deserved one after all you have been through:) Ribs huh? did ya eat a rack for me????


love ya girl!
traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 3:06pm

!!!!TRIGGERS!!!!


Keli,


You haven't let anybody down--that EMDR sounds like it is VERY intense and can't say I blame you for not wanting to do it now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 3:22pm

I've always been told by my tdoc(s) that if you have that lingering "feeling" that something is "there" you need to really explore it...I hate that you need to go through it, but we're here with you all the way.

Yes, I am still working through it with my tdoc, but I am just not doing the EMDR stuff. My tdoc doesn't know this yet, and she is probably going to be disappointed, she's REALLY into it. But its MY choice and I just don't choose to do it right now.

I am keeping up with your posts about your dd, and Jake and you are all in my prayers every day. I worry a lot about you, with so much going on in your life right now. Are you still without meds? You're amazingly tough, Marci, I've always looked to you as a second mommy and I hope you'll be honest with us about how you're truly doing. We care about you around here a great deal.

Hugs and Love,

Keli