Ending your M in SPITE of your A...anyone else?
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Ending your M in SPITE of your A...anyone else?
| Fri, 12-03-2010 - 1:12am |
I'm gonna start T and express ALL of this, but I wanted to run by my "peers"....
Alot of the feeling I'm having towards ending my M, and leaving my DH seem to be in spite of what has gone on in the A. I feel like, I need to end my M now,

Why-
I'm glad you are going to T, she or he will be able to help you sort out a lot of feelings. There are several married women on the board that have stayed married and worked things out, and hopefully they will give you their perspective.
A lot of what you are feeling could be the fog of the fantasy affair world. You have to ask yourself why you feel like you would be settling with your H. I am an example of what you are talking about. I left my M about a year into my A. There was always something missing in my M, and I didn't realize the extent of it until I met XAP. I'm not talking about the excitement and the intimate part - for me it was other things that my exH simply couldn't provide. My exH is a wonderful man - but his personality just doesn't fit with mine. One of the things I always wanted was communication - exH is introverted and talking never came easily to him. I used to envy women who would say they "I talked to my H and we think..." There are a lot of other things - but the point is they were all things that weren't "changeable".
The best thing for you to do at this point is wait it out. Start your therapy and just "BE". You need to let the affair dust settle before you make any decisions you might regret. I recognized that my M wasn't right for me and that no matter what happened with XAP (of course back then I thought I'd have the fairytale ending) I did want more for my life.
Bodhi
PS - it's up to YOU to not fall back into the pattern of "affair having" :)
I had an A (my DH had one also) and now we are rebuilding our M into something more magical than we ever thought possible. I had been M a long time and I was dettached and couldn't communicate or show affection if my life depended on it. My DH tried for many years, begging me for affection and love and I was an ice cold woman who could only show love to my children. When he started his A, I understood and wanted to end the M. I sought out an AP and started one on my own. I was as mixed up as a person could get for many years. I had a wonderful H whom I know I drove into the arms of another woman. I ended my A and decided to get help. I uncovered why I was so cold and withdrawn and I learned how to give my DH the love that a wonderful man like him deserves. He responded like wildfire and our M is a wonderful place for both of us to be.
The first thing you have to do is to not look at your M for the cause of your A but search deep inside yourself to determine why you gave yourself permission to betray your vows. The two are independent of each other. I have a brother and sister in law who haven't been intimate in ten years but neither one have cheated. Cheating is about the person who cheats and not about anything outside of that person. Before you end your M, get into T and pull back the layers of yourself and learn how to not be passive aggressive (i.e. having an A and not telling your partner that you want out of the M rather lying and cheating). Don't worry about your xap, he is a man who was looking for a crutch because he didn't have the courage to be honest with his W and strike out on his own before jumping into woman after woman. He doesn't possess the things necessary to sustain a healthy relationship and soon you will see after the newness of his new woman wears off that he wasn't the prize that you thought he was. If you decide to end your M make sure you do so without needing another man to come and rescue you from your H.
Also remember that when we are in an A, our thought process is so messed up we should never make life altering decisions during that time. Your M situation didn't drive you and your xap into each other's arms, your lack of self control and your inability to make good decisions. It wasn't some romantic love story where the two of you found each other and ran off into the sunset. It was a deceitful union full of fantasy and BS. Your xap didn't reject you, he rejected the fantasy that the two of you created and went on to another prey who was willing to throw her dignity to the wayside and believe his lies.
Why,
I understand where you are coming from because I feel very much the same way. Been married 28 years and for most of those years I've felt something was missing. I've had three affairs and I don't want to have another. I recognize the problem is me and not my H or my M. Well, it feels like the problem is the M but really, it is me and what I am
Why I cannot add much more to what the others have said except to tell you that I too have wondered many time if I was just content but not really happy.
I do agree with Bodhi that to wait until the dust settles is a good idea.