if theirs a wound to pick

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
if theirs a wound to pick
1
Mon, 10-03-2005 - 4:41pm
i sure know how to pick it.
whew.
i find it hard to beleive that i can put myself thru it.
i heard you all talking about EMDR.
my first thought is WHY?
cause once you see it you have to look at it from every angle & it sets up a whole new host of OBSESSIONS.
i hate myself.
hate hate hate hate myself.
i don't know HOW to get better.
isn't that weird?
my secrets are so secret i can never tell anyone they are still inside me.
never ever ever ever ever.
not that no one KNOWS them but i can never admit that their sting still exists.
& it's not even stuff i couldn't help or had no control over.
i created all my secret *& the fact that they can still hurt me so bad & cause me to mistreat my appearance so much that i am afraid to be seen is my biggest secret.
it's hard to be so sick & be a grown up at the same time.
i'm taking my lithium cocktail again.
i don't think i want to feel better.
i think i want to hurt so badly it kills me.
help help help help help.
nothing is wrong but everything is wrong.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 7:46am

Susan,

Don't you think I know exactly what you are describing? I do. I feel the exact same way. I too have many secrets that eat away at me as well. I still feel their "sting" in many ways. People know my secrets, some of them. But they don't REALLY KNOW them. I know what you're talking about. I can totally feel you on this one. TOTALLY. Don't think you are the lone ranger, here, Miss Suzie Q!

None of us know HOW to get better...OMG, if we only KNEW! We'd all run jump off a cliff somewhere into the ocean if that's what it took to get better.

As for EMDR, that is precisely WHY I'm NOT doing it. I can't look into those memories right now, not right in the FACE of them...not yet. I have started facing my issues with SA, but I am not ready to relive it yet. Its too much right now.

There was a time not more than 3 months ago where I was TERRIFIED to be seen. I had to leave my house, I work full time. I was CONSTANTLY and IMMENSELY embarrassed to be seen by ANYONE, not just by people I knew, but by people I didn't know. I felt horribly horriby disgustingly ugly. Its a real emotion. A real FEAR. My pdoc, tdoc, and some really cool, caring people here on the board helped me through it. But, the really sad thing is, that I lost two friends that I cared about very much because of it. NOW, I will admit that i probably needed to lose those friends (male), but I lost them out of my stupid FEAR of being seen. So I avoided them, and hurt them. I have to live with that.

So, do you see? Its not just you, honey!

Its me too. And probably some others as well. You're normal in our world.

Love and Hugs,

Keli