so tired of it all
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| Fri, 10-07-2005 - 1:43pm |
dont mean to be a drag, but I am tired of bp. I am taking my depekote and doing better. Dr said 500 mg is not enough, but I am doing fine. I feel better than ever. As for the rest, i have had it most of the time. My dear ds is 6 and dx as a mood disorder - most likely bipolar. Had to quit a good paying job (although my performance was suffering, still had a job) because he was throwing pool balls at the babysitters head, chairs and locking her out. Needless to say, she quit. Okay, now he has been on abilify for 3 weeks doing a lot better. was 2-3 rages a day, now 1 every 2-3 days. Smaller ones daily, but can handle. Yesterday, I was helping my other son deliver newspapers with my 6 yo in tow. Because I would not let him deliver a paper to one house -on really busy street - he jumped out of the car crossed the highway and went home about 1.5 blocks away. We live in a very small town, but he was still a danger. I went and I found him took 10 min to corner him and then I told him either get in the car or we can sit till he will get in the car. I restrained him (he likes to pinch, slap, bite, and everything else when mad) for about 3 min (a record). He got in the car and was like nothing happened.
I am sick of it. It is hard to keep me in check when he is not. Without my meds now I would be manic - can still feel it coming out. So when he goes into rages it takes everything for me not to go manic. I love him, but just wish he would be better. At 3 my stress level increases 10 fold. I feel bad for him.
I want to work, want to be productive, want soo much, but cant have it because of myself and the illness with my son. I am trying to get a pt job in the evening 3 days a week here in town, I also do ebay. Wish I did not have to quit a good job because of pb

I'm so sorry.
God could not be everywhere, so
I just wanted to send you hugs! You're doing an amazing job, ya know...you have to keep YOU okay, and you have to keep ds okay, and you have to raise your other boys too! Its got to be extremely difficult and yet you are doing it. Totally awesome job.
I know it sucks. I know we don't like it, and we want to stop.
Keep venting here. And keep on doing what you're doing...things will work themselves out.
Love and Hugs,
Keli