feeling soo down...
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| Tue, 10-11-2005 - 10:33am |
yuck...after a while of being manic - although functionally to a point now I am depressed. Low - wish everything would go away including myself. Not even sure why I am down. Just want to curl up and dissappear or even cry. Might get a bath and dressed to see if that helps at all.
My dh is aggrevating me. I am working on putting books on ebay to replace the money I lost when I was working. He told me we should not use it towards bills, but yet he doesnt want to pay them out of his money. I am perplexed. He wants me to work my butt off on ebay so he can spend on ebay - not happening. Blah, okay money has me down. He wants to go to some festival this weekend and buy wrestling tickets for the boys. Where is he getting the money. Maybe I should let the internet and cable get shut off and then he will get the drift. I could care less about those things.
Wishing I could dissappear. Found out my old job said I could come back to work - prolly so they could fire me. I cant even function enough to get dressed some days plus my ds plus 3 other boys. Yeah, would I like the money, yes no doubt, but would lose med card that covers son and my treatment and insurance wont cover it. I hate it, hate it, hate it. I wish i could be normal and work like a normal person and have a normal life and family.
C, I hate my life. I love my boys without them today I would just drive off a bridge. or just walk off into the sunset.
Okay pitty party done. Going to get dressed and pretend I care :)
Jen

(((Jen)))
big HUGS...sorry you are crashing...not fun.
God could not be everywhere, so
Jen,
Have all the pity parties you want, I have them too, many sometimes. But then you're doing exactly what you need to do...get up, get dressed, and focus on something else. Its not easy...it sucks to have to do it...but at least you're trying and you're fighting...
Yesterday, I was sooo down too...then I really tried to fight and get "over it" some...but then I went home, and gave up and totally made myself crash harder...I ended up totally in tears and was a MESS! I could have made a better choice...I could have gone home and focussed on something else, not on ME and my own little pitiful BP world...but I did...and in the end, I totally regretted it. I went to bed, in tears, angry, upset, and very agitated and anxious. If I'd done something a little differently, I could have had a better evening.
I know we get so down sometimes we can't always do that...but I have to try to before I let myself get THAT down...do something else, take the focus off me...
I'm awed by you and all that you do, truly. You're amazing to me, because of your own struggles, and having four boys...one of them BP. It doesn't matter than you don't work like "normal" people. You ARE working! Money problems get us all down, and I work full time! I'm so broke right now myself!
Try to give yourself all the credit you so deserve, okay?
Hugs!
Keli