Update, long, sorry...no trigs.
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| Tue, 10-11-2005 - 11:59am |
Well, I'm doing better today. Don't know if its because I started back on my Lithium like a good little girl last night, or if its because I am cycling, or if its because I've been busy this morning, and not had time to think myself down...or if its because I've had about four cups of coffee! No, actually, I think its the Lithium. I wasn't supposed to go off of it, but I did. I was being very stubborn. Lithium is the only med that really worked for me, and then I went into that 2.5 month depression, and blamed Lithium, but it wasn't that. It was not being on an a/d. But it was an easy way to cop-out of it. I didn't like it cuz it made me gain some weight. Stupid me. Really stupid me. So now, for almost a month I've been off the med that worked the best for me for the last 9 months. And I've been in hell...rapid cycling in and out of mania like crazy...no wonder I'm down all the time, cuz I'm going up into the damn sky! I HAVE to come down! I realized last night, DUH!, that the only thing missing now was Lithium...so I took it again. And guess what happened? I slept. I feel no agitation today, even after all the caffeine I've had. I've had extreme agitation every day without fail.
So, yeah, call me stupid. Call me stubborn. But call me finally coming to my senses.
This means I'm on 6 meds currently. But if they work, I will take 20. I'm serious. I am SO over all this. I'm so over cycling. I'm so over being manic. I didn't mind the hypomania, but I always crash and I got tired of it. I cycle way too rapidly to be hypomanic, and then when I get into full blow mania, I get dangerous, and then I crash way too hard and I get even more dangerous because I get very suicidal very quickly. I have to be able to maintain some stability. If it means Lithium, Topamax, Lamictal, Risperdal (mind you, I'm only on small doses right now, of these...600 mgs of Lith, 200 mgs of Topa, and still only 25 mgs of Lamictal, and 1 mg of Risperdal) then that's what it takes. I am also still taking Prozac 20 mgs, and Ativan 1mgs as needed during the day and 1 at night. The small doses seem to work the best...they all work differently, and maybe being on such small doses of each one is the key. I dunno. But I have to be on each one of them for the cocktail to work. I will see what happens when I get up to dose on Lamictal. The Topamax might go. I'm not getting much weight loss from it anymore. I don't have any appetite, but I still don't lose the weight.
As for weight...I will stay the weight I'm at currently, and control it, if I can just find stability again and stay there. I am so finished with this cycling crap. I don't even care any more. If I lose weight, fine. If I don't fine. I am just so over this BP stuff, and not being meds compliant because of weight gain is really just stupid to me right now. I'm tired of BP controlling my life if a meds cocktail will work if I take it like I am supposed to.
Anyway, that's my update. Sorry it was so long.
I'm really not manicky today, just had a lot to say.
Love and Hugs to all,
Keli

BTDT--I think we all have (even if we won't admit it).
God could not be everywhere, so