DD tdoc appt..trigs

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
DD tdoc appt..trigs
2
Tue, 10-11-2005 - 9:07pm

well...yesterday I knew I was gonna come down, but I hoped it wouldnt be too hard, but yeah good luck with that.

Today was DD's first tdoc appt. I was able to find a tdoc that her father had gone to for a few years, and I knew she did child therapy and was very good. She used to come to the house to check on XH. She said today that I did a very good job raising them considering what I dealt with, and that meant SO much to me. So anyways, I took DD to her first appt today, and alot of it was just me and her talking because she cant ask DD anything(shes 5). Well since XH is deceased there is no more patient confidentiality issues, so she gave me some insight into what his problems were and how they related to DD. I found out that he had multiple personality disorder and that there were at least 3 of them. He NEVER told me any of that. I was told he was bipolar, and not knowing anything about either of them, I just took it at face value.

I always thought he acted like different people, but never imagined he had a problem like this. I figured I was just overreacting or whatever.
Anyways, it makes me feel like the most horrible person in the whole world. I spent six years of my life with him trying to make it the best I could and raising two kids and having my own problems to deal with that I didnt even know existed. I eventually just gave up on him, quit trying to make it work, quit trying to help, just flat out quitting. He never had any family and no real friends, and me and the kids were all he had, and I just couldnt take it, even after we split up, he always called when something was wrong or he was mad or sad or anything, because he didnt know who else to call. I was so mean to him, because I was so sick of his crap, I always told him not to call me and talk to me about his crap, when his kids were going hungry. He didnt pay child support, he didnt see his kids, but he wanted to call me and whine about his life. I resented him so much for everything. I knew he didnt have anyone else, and I didnt care. The night he died, he called me crying because he was in pain from a tumor(he died from a car accident, not the tumor) and while we were talking the phone cut off, and I was glad, because I didnt want to talk to him. Then two hours later he's dead. I know its not my fault and I cant change anything, but damnit, now I cant even say Im sorry for not trying harder, for not helping more. If I would have known, maybe I could have done something, but now its too late, and I cant take it back. I always felt so justified in hating him, and now I feel like a b*tch. I should have done something else...I dont know what but there has to be something I could have done, and now I cant.
This makes me hate myself even more than usual.

Rebekah

I

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 9:05am

ok hon...take a deep breathe...first of all, you are a wonderful mother, and having tdoc tell you that did make you feel better and

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 10-12-2005 - 10:46am

Rebekah,

You're not a b**ch, because you did not know...you did the best you could with what you had to go on...he never tried to help himself...and in doing so, hurt you and the kids in many ways. I am sorry for you, that happened. Because now you have a ton of guilt towards yourself that you shouldn't have. But shouldn't doesn't really matter much does it?

You have to try to process this, and let it go. He isn't here for you to apologize to and to be perfectly honest and blunt, honey, you have nothing to apologize for. You couldn't save him even if you tried. BTDT, am there now...

Donna is right...you are an awesome mom and you have to get on with your life, and finally let him go. You did the best you could.

Anyone would have done the same in your shoes.

Talk it out as much as you need to, k?

Love ya,

Keli