My mind is racing...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
My mind is racing...
5
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 9:50am

Hi all. I haven't posted here in awhile; of course, because the meds were working ok and I figured I was "over it." You know? I was taking risperdal and trileptal, good combo for a while. Unfortunately, the combo makes me really tired and dizzy. So, I had some deadlines at work that required me to have my wits totally about me and I did the stupid thing - stop taking them. I got thru my work just fine, but then had a manic breakdown over the weekend. Now I can't stop my mind from racing. I hate this.

If anyone remembers when I first started posting here, it was because a traumatic event involving my H and DS resulted in the end of my marriage, which triggered a manic episode. I kicked him out. That was 2 months ago, and since then H has been 100% wonderful and supportive, doing everything possible to get me back, regain his son's trust. He sees a T weekly, has for 3 years. I met with his T a few weeks ago and his T was completely defensive and didn't believe my H was a harm to anyone - that it was all just an accident as a result of my H being a high-testosterone guy. I KNOW that his issues, although they caused harm to my son, weren't the result of him being evil, but its tough to separate the two (evil v. unintentionally too rough) and make a decision as to whether DS is safe around him again. Right now, of course, H is interacting very carefully with DS because he's still working to regain my and DS's trust.

My head is whirling with this one. Whether to take him back or not. And, because I've been in a manic episode for weeks, I caused some other harm since H and I separated that's coming back to haunt me.

I don't know how the heck to put my life (and my mind!!!) back together. I'm back on the cocktail that was working, but I can't stop the voices (only on this board would I admit that I have voices in my head - many, many voices). I can't tell whether my thoughts make sense or not. I see a T and have discussed this possible reconciliation with her, but my mind changes every 15 minutes or so. She is supportive of my H - understands his issues as well as mine. Its a very complicated situation and not particularly relevant for this board, but let's just say that life has pushed H and I to our limits.

I don't even know if this post is making sense right now. I have to be in court in an hour and believe it or not, somehow or other I always make sense and think straight in a professional setting. That's a freakin' miracle because the rest of the time I don't know what end is up. Can someone please, please, give me some support or identification?? I don't know how to make this decision. I know I don't have to make it TODAY, but I keep letting my H in further and further emotionally and eventually I'm going to cause one of us harm.

I love my mother - she's 77 and has lived in denial her entire life. Anyhows, her advice to me "can't you just let it go, honey, and be happy????" My H is funny, intelligent, handsome, makes alot of money, adores me, we have a beautiful new house that he's actually been furnishing! (that's right, he's been shopping for furniture to finish the house so I'll be comfortable in it). I wish I was a much simpler person and my mind didn't always gravitate to chaos. I seem to choose to focus on the bad (I mean, rapid cycle all negative thoughts) rather than ever lighten up.

Oddly, depression is not a big problem for me. I'm very upbeat and perky (I think that's the mania, though).

Can anyone give me some help????? Thanks so much for reading this blabber. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 10:42am

Hey Mo! I was wondering how you've been doing. Obviously, manic...I can tell that very clearly from your post. Now, being manic, your thoughts are racing, and you are struggling with your decision. But honey, ya know what? You've been struggling with this decision now for months...and you keep going back to the same thought...you want to reconcile. I know you want your ds to be safe...but it sounds to me like your H has taken the steps necessary (from your post) to do what he needs to do to ensure that safety. I may be way off base, but I'm going only from what YOU are saying. I think your mom may be right. Sometimes we DO have to let go of a negative thought...BP plays that awful trick on us time after time...we harbor negative thoughts and overanalyze things to death sometimes...btdt many times. I've had to "let go" of some things myself, in order to find happiness and peace and ya know what? I've found it.

I too do very well with my manias, especially at work. I'm productive, and tend to be able to focus much easier when I have a deadline. Deadlines seem to push me towards the manic side when I'm more on the depressed side. Dunno why that is, but its always been that way.

I have many "voices" in my head. Risperdal helps SOOOO much with them...they are quieted briefly, LOL. They still talk to me. They still try to talk me DOWN, if you know what I'm talking about. I was given a dx for this particular symptom of my illness, but its all related to just being ME. I don't like the labels much.

I think if you try to slow yourself down some, and not focus on what happened in the past, and try to focus on TODAY and what happiness you can find TOMORROW, you'll be much better off for it. The past is going to totally mess you up. I too, have done things in my manic times to damage my marriage. Luckily I've learned how to control that in order to save my marriage. I'm SOOOOO educated about Bipolarism now, and I know so much about my own manias and what triggers them, and what to look out for. That's what you've got to do, if you want to reconcile and save your marriage. It can be done.

I think you have all the answers right in front of you if you can get the voices to stop telling you so many negative things over and over and over. If you need additional help with this, you need to talk to your pdoc about it. He/she won't be surprised.

We're here for you.

Love and Hugs,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 12:17pm

Thanks Keli. I'm a bankruptcy attorney as you might be aware, the Bankruptcy Code is totally 100% changed as of today so I spent the last few weeks thrown into the work. That helps quiet the voices.

About my H, I don't know. I've hung out abit on the Domestic Violence board and the advice over there is that H is an abuser and will never change, for my son's own safety I need to flee, get a restraining order and never look back. There's got to be some middle ground, you know?

But in the meantime, I can't settle my thoughts about any of this. I pray, alot, and ask God for clarity with these issues but somehow I don't seem to get any closer to an understanding of what exactly I should do. Maybe that's the answer. Do nothing.

I just don't know what to do with my mind while this mess with my H plays itself out. I can't seem to repress my impulses to act out on stupid ideas - I know, this is THE hallmark of the manic phase of bipolar disorder.

I hold on tight, I pray for God to help me not act out, and I just feel so powerless over my mind. I know you can relate, so thanks for your insight. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 12:28pm

Mo,


Your situation is a part of you and this board is for your support, whether BP issues or other life ones--it's all intertwined so don't ever worry about posting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 12:50pm

Thanks so much, Marci. I know it's critical not to act out during a manic phase, but until those meds kick in (today is only day #2) how the heck can I stop myself from causing more harm???????? I just want to quiet the voices in my head, not snap at anyone, not take any drastic, regrettable actions that seem like a "good" idea today, and just live thru the next few hours until I can get back in bed.

I'm planning to leave my office early today (early for me, anyway) and go home and do about 2 hours of yoga while my babysitter is with the kids. I'm putting a chicken in the oven for dinner. My DD11 has dance class so I need to drive her back and forth. I'm focusing so hard on these "normal" activities of daily life to keep myself grounded.

What is it like to think like a normal person, anyway????????? Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Mon, 10-17-2005 - 1:29pm

Mo,


I never realized you were a bankruptcy attorney.