just when i start figuring it out.....
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| Thu, 10-20-2005 - 12:02pm |
****Possible triggers****
.........they go and change it all on me!!!!!! we really need a "pulling your hair out" icon here!
i just got back from tdoc. now as most of you know, tdoc started suspecting i was bipolar just about a year ago. she sent me to a pdoc who thought maybe but wasn't quite sure so he tried a variety of meds over several months and many adjustments. so pdoc finally put me on depakote about a month and a half ago......had immediate results things were good, i was getting stable.
then, had a major stressor hit which knocked me totally out of balance again. have been dealing with that for the past month and finally getting back on track. things are starting to look good again. i saw the acupuncturist on tuesday and had a very good first appointment. he asked me if tdoc concurred w/ the bp dx. so, i asked her today what her exact thoughts on it were just to satisfy my own curiosity if for nothing else.
she's 'not sure' now!!!!!! because of the setback after i had started the depakote, she has reason to doubt that its bp. i have no clue what is up. if it's not bp then why am i on all these friggin bp meds? if it's depression, why not just give me an a/d and be done with it? why do i need the mood stabilizers and the antipsychotics and crap? 'cause i, for one, know that if i don't need to be on them, i WON'T be on them! i can think of many things i'd rather blow $100/month on instead of all the different meds.
i have also noticed in the past 24 hours my rage is knocking at the door and i am really trying not to let it take hold, but people around me are not exactly helping the situation. my kids are driving me absolutely bananas! then, there's my mother, who in her defense, was only reminding me of her schedule so i could make arrangements for my ds after school today, but everybody is up my butt! and now i find out i might be taking a lot of unnecessary meds just for kicks! NOT helping!!!!!!!!
personally, if i (or any one of us here) were told we weren't bp, i'd do a friggin happy dance! i sure didn't ask for whatever is going on inside my head but if it's not bp then they need to figure out what it is so i can fix it, or manage it, or whatever i need to do to function as a human being! thinking about calling pdoc and telling him i want to go back to just the wellbutrin and see what happens. 'cause if tdoc's right, i should be fine.
god i'm so pissed off right now i can't think straight! i guess i'm just sick of all the guess work and people discussing my emotional/mental health as though it's just a product in a grocery store.
but hey, at least i'm not depressed right? lol! can anyone help me make sense of what i'm trying to figure out here? i don't think i even know that at this point! thanks for listening and letting me vent.
love ya,
traci



Traci,
I'm sorry they are putting you through these changes--it's rough when you get to a level of acceptance and they start pulling the rug out from under you.
Traci,
Think about this...if they changed my dx everytime I had a setback, what would I be??? Your tdoc is throwing a monkey wrench into the whole equation! Talk to your PDOC about your dx...he is the only one qualified to make or break a dx. Yes, your tdoc knows you well, but your pdoc is the ONLY one who should even be TALKING dxes with you.
Triggers, especially like the ones you've had, can cause "setbacks". Meds can stop and start working just because. Its the nature of being Bipolar and being on meds that aren't an exact science. If it were, we'd all be happier!
Please please please calm down and don't stop your meds! Think about what's gone on when you HAVE stopped your meds for one reason or another. Its not been pretty, has it?
BP is another label. Call it ABC if you want to. You do get periods of mania/hypomania. You know that, you've already proven that to yourself and that is what matters. Right?
Yes, you have depression too...so do all of us. So do all people with Bipolar. Its part of Bipolar.
Talk to your pdoc if its really troubling you and it sounds as if it is.
None of like the meds. Not one single one of us do. But don't let tdoc mess with your BP brain on this. Its too important.
Love ya,
Keli
((((Traci))))
I'm so sorry....I have nothing to offer right now...other then i'm as pissed off as you are.
God could not be everywhere, so
thanks everyone. i don't even think it's so much the label of being bp as it is just plain flat out frustration. i know none of us want what we have. i know we all want a med or a combination of meds or even to be medless and not have this crap to worry about and juggle on a daily basis.
but i think for me the back-and-forth dx thing is making me think that it's all in my head that it's all in my head if that makes any sense. which is why i'm going to talk to pdoc about all of this. if it's not bp then maybe the med regimen i'm on is the wrong one. that's the only reason i want to know what the dx is. i want to be sure if it is something i need meds for that i'm on the right meds. and right now i feel like i'm taking a bunch of meds that aren't doing a blasted thing. i don't know. i feel like i'm talking in circles. but bottom line, i need to talk to pdoc.
it's not that tdoc was offering a dx so much as the acupuncturist asked me if she agreed w/ pdoc on the dx because she does know me and my situation a lot better than pdoc does. i didn't really know, so i asked her what she thought. so i guess i kind of brought it on myself. but i wish all these people would get on the same page and stay there so i could figure out what direction i'm heading in or need to head in.
again, thanks for listening. bp or not i'm so glad i found all of you here! i've made some very good friends with y'all. but for now, it's back to work for me. so i'll check in later.
love y'all,
traci