Does depression end? *trigs*
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| Thu, 10-20-2005 - 4:55pm |
I was doing OK, but then I found that I didn't win that audition. I had convinced myself on one level that maybe it was OK, that maybe this was a guy I didn't want to work with (he showed signs of unprofessionalism), but I guess I started thinking about what losing the audition meant...
When I was younger, I convinced myself that I might be an unusually talented musician, mostly because I had some different sorts of ideas on how music should be learned and performed. But, there is a thin line between innovative and crazy. Now that I have lost an important audition, I am afraid that I am not special, merely crazy.
This whole thing triggered my bipolar symptoms. I am sleeping all day, and can't stop. I am afraid to tell pdoc, because he might change my meds to something that makes me fat (I am fat enough already thanks to years of Li and Depakote).
What do I do?
I am afraid I might burden DH. He doesn't deserve this drama from me.
Express.
Beth "Petrouchka"

Beth,
It sounds to me like you are being too hard on yourself. I guess we all can be hard on ourselves, especially when we don't get the job we want. You are not a failure and you are special. Just being you is special
Beth,
It's only natural that you are disappointed and depressed that you didn't win your audition--rejection for whatever reason stings and I have a sneaking suspicion this worse than losing a "regular" job would, since music is such an intrinsic part of you.
((((((((((beth))))))))))) i agree with marci. tell pdoc about the increased sleep and the depression. it is very normal to feel the way you are feeling after not getting that audition.
musicians have a very special place in my heart, as music is and always has been my first love. i just never had any direction and/or guidance and support to do anything with it so i just do bits and pieces here and there and teach myself instruments that i want to learn how to play. albeit, i don't have that kind of time anymore now that i'm back in school.
so i can very much imagine how you are feeling right now. and you are NOT crazy! i am certain that you are an extremely talented musician and chances are a better audition is waiting for you. you will get there!
you are not a burden to your dh either! explain things to him and tell him you need his support right now. and know that you can come here too. we all care a great deal about you!
love & hugs,
traci
((((Beth))))
You are so strong, loving, and a wondeful/creative musian...don't let this get to you so bad.
God could not be everywhere, so