The urge to contact is nearly overwhelming
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| Mon, 12-13-2010 - 10:16am |
As you ladies know, I have been struggling this past week or so, to the point that I want to harm little elves. :smileysurprised:
I will be 9 weeks NC tomorrow and I haven't felt this strong of an urge to contact him since I ended it. There are many reasons why: This whole month is a huge trigger as we were deep into our A this time last year, I am facing my issues and they aren't pretty, I am PMSing, I am majorly curious as to how he's doing since getting into a little trouble a while back. HOWEVER, I have no intention of breaking NC. That is why I am coming here, to hold myself accountable. NC=No New Hurts. Although still painful, I have made a lot of progress over the past two months and I wouldn't trade this growth (and pain that comes with it) for one minute of hearing his voice. It is simply not worth setting my clock back to zero.
I am vulnerable right now but because I have worked hard to get to where I am and have learned better coping skills and learned how to recognize my vulnerabilities, I have made the decision to stay away from alcohol unless in the precense of my DH. It would be so easy to drunk dial him and use that as an excuse to contact him. That's what I used to do. I would go out with girlfriends, have a few cocktails, then contact him after I'd tried to go NC before. Then it would start back up again and I would fall deeper into pain from the A. Much like a hangover. I am making the very deliberate choice of not going back to that dreadful place and am making deliberate choices in how to protect myself from weak spots.
This is not an easy journey and I wonder if we are ever truly out of the woods. We must always be on our guard from our crazy emotions. We must always remember we have a choice in how we behave. We must fight through any unhealthy urges that get in the way of our treasured destination--indifference.
Soldiering on.....
~alwayst2

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Well, I will hone in on the "nearly" overwhelming comment and tell you that this means you can fight it. It's good that you come here to be held accountable because you KNOW we are going to shake this "nearly" right out of you and make it "no longer" overwhelming, right? Think of how far you have come. Think of how you will only end up hurting yourself if you contact him. Think about all the effort and time you have already poured into this ending. IOW, just THINK. The urge will pass and you will regain your resolve once again. You know that this is how it works...
Combat those urges (with common sense and self respect), let them pass, and then carry on.
((Hugs)))
(((Iddy)))
Yes, ma'am. I'm on it!!
"Nearly" is indeed the operative word here. I will make it, Iddy. I will let this phase cycle on through its natural course, without contacting him, without doing any further harm to myself. I know that I will get past this. I just need a little butt kicking and a little glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel.
Alwayst2
NC for me started for real Oct 10, 2010. I was at two months on Friday. I was going thru much of the same you and all the beautiful ladies have been. Everytime i wanted to speak to him, i called a friend. Well that didnt happen Friday morning. I had taken off on Thursday to do some Christmas shopping. I feeling very low the day before but Thursday was good. I did not check my work email at all. (Unusual for me) On Friday morning i see a message from my boss, my xMM, telling me i was keeping him out of the loop concerning the on goings of my office. I was not being an adult and he needs to do his job. I lost my temper and called him at work. That led into a 4 hour conversation that left me more devastated than i was before. We rehashed everything all over again. It was painful. I kept asking why are we doing this if the end is the same.
I learned how happy his family and friends were to have him back home. What a saint his wife is and he does not deserve her. She has not mentioned the affair since he came home. They are in counseling. He then proceeded to tell me everything wrong with me. How selfish i was that i did not take his children's feeling into account. They are in their 30's. He was giving up everything and i could not give up one holiday. I kept him from his grandchildren. I had problems keeping relationships. Why is it i cant keep relationships he asked. He saw a pattern on my losing my temper and he was not built to argue. Supposedly, he and his wife only had one arguement in 35 years. When i asked why he
Awakening,
Thank you for your very unselfish, thoughtful outreach to me. Thank you for sharing this horribly painful story. I can't imagine how devastated you must be feeling right now. I can't thank you enough for showing me (and possibly others) how damaging it is to cave into the desire for contact, and proving once again that no good will ever come of it. I needed to hear this.
I hope you don't dare think of leaving this board out of embarassment. We are all here for each other. Most all of us have made a stupid mistake or three. :smileywink:
Reset your clock and start over. This was a set back but not one which you can't overcome. We are all here for you, too!! (((hugs)))
Always,
I have nothing to offer in terms of advice.
But I am with you, In spirit - In heart - In emotion.
I admire you - and ALWAYS
Thank you for being there. It really mean a lot.
best too at this point in our healing to stay away from
additional triggers, or at least if you have one to do so in a safe enviroment such as being with your H like you have planned. 9 weeks nc, so very good alwayst you are doing a fantastic job of recgonizing your triggers and where your emotions are coming from:)
You can do it, what matters is you are awakening to change your patterns. I read EAS for five years before I took a step to make a change in my life. Keep reading and posting, it makes such a difference to have as much support as you can:)
Okay, so you slipped on a banana peel. Just be grateful that it wasn't slipping down icy stairs or in the street in front of an oncoming car. ;-) Yeah, you got an earful. BTDT. Remember that this is what you will always get because this dude is a one way ticket to "It's all about me." If it's your job to check in and let him know how things are going at your office, then do so briefly and professionally. NO MORE PERSONAL discussions. After the first few times, it will become old hat. When he sees you want nothing more to do with him, his ego will go in search for feel goods somewhere else.
In the meantime, get back up on the saddle and gallop towards, "It's all about Awakening." Heck, after 2 months, this time it will be much easier, I promise.
((Hugs)))
Hey Alwayst.
First off... (((BIG OL BEAR HUGS)))
I am so sorry that you find yourself feeling this way.
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