Another question...

Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Another question...
6
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 4:29pm

In the past 14 yrs I've been more concerned with dh's drinking than the bipolar. Now I wish I paid more attention to the bipolar so perhaps we would not be here today.

Anyway here is my question....

It's been 7 weeks of mania. He is supposed to start outpatient addictive care on Tuesday. Do you supposed that may help bring him out or does it need to be more concentrated on bipolar itself?

I'm calling crisis centers, hospitals, doctors and nobody is answering my questions instead give me more hotlines to call. I'm so frustrated!!! Last week he was willing to go into impatient detox but all the centers were full.

Last time he had a bad episode (7 yrs ago) it was just as frustrating, but we were finally able to get him a bed somewhere, but that was ONLY because he stated he tried to commit suicide but I stopped him (which was a half truth - fake attempt to get my attention, it would have never of worked).

I want him back so bad it hurts. My ds is not adjusting to this well, my work is suffering and the worst part of it is he's found a lady who's in a major depression to be with. (She just lost her grandmother she was caring for for the past 2 yrs & on the day her & my dh 'fell in love' was on the day she & her dh decided to get a divorce.)

Give me some hope please.

Bonnie




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2005
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 9:23pm

I wish I had some answers for you. I don't. It sounds like you take responsibility for your husband's illness. THat's a big load to carry. I hope he gets hospitalized soon to address both the alcoholism and the bipolar. But he's got to stand up and take responsibility for himself. You need to look after yourself and your son.

I'm sorry if I"m being bossy. I don't know your history or what you live with on a daily basis. Just going on what the impression is that I got. I mean well.
Mary

Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 10-21-2005 - 11:45pm

I am going on with my life the best I can, but I have my weak moments. I don't take responsibility in his illness, but perhaps I could have encouraged him to continue seeking the right meds.

I'm going on whether I like it or not. I have an apt with a lawyer on Wed. I'm not going to sit around and wait for him to come back to me, but I desperately wish he would before it's too late.

I'm hoping to get custody done with quickly b/c I do not trust him to be alone with the kids. When we're together and he feels overwhelmed he can walk into another room. Apart, who knows what will happen.

He wants to have 50% shared custody, every-other-week type of deal. He has changed 4, yes 4, diapers in his life. He has never given a bath. He freaks out if the baby spits up on him. When ds was sick dh left the house while I cleaned up the vomit. I cannot imagine him being able to deal if a child vomitted all over him (as ds did with me) while the other is sitting on the floor in diarehhea. I've dealt with this, but I know he cannot.

I know the above makes him sound like a bad father/spouse. But he excels in other areas to make up for it. He cooks, shops, cleans for me. Then when he spends quality time with ds it's truley quality. It's a beautiful sound to my ears to be in the next room and listening to them together.

Therefore I think visitation rights is all he could handle. It's too bad he'll never really know his children this way, but I also cannot have him living with us if he won't get & stick with treatment.

Does that sound stronger to you?

Bonnie
mom to Liam (3yrs) and Tara (10mos)




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 12:45pm
look...i am like your h & i am on your side.i could not do what you do OR want someone like hime(me)either.
don't worry.this woman won't be able to stay with him either.he'll be back..BUT you need to decide if this is best for yourself or your children.i wouldn't worry bout the 50% custody.according to my t the fact that he's the father AND that he's ill AND alchoholic are too many counts against him.
you are doing the best you know.don't second guess yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 2:01pm

((((((((((Bonnie)))))))))) Sweetie, I know how frustrated, scared and hurt you are right now. Most of us, at some level or another, have been there. Either ourselves or someone we love.


The treatment program dh is going into........is this just for his drinking? Have you looked into a "Dual Diagnosis" group? Does his therapist specialize in dual diagnosis? These might be things to seriously consider. I know my tdoc specializes in dual diagnosis and although I am not an alcoholic, I'm an adult child of alcoholics so I have work to do in that regard as well as dealing with my bipolar. I don't know, I may be way off base here, but that is where I would start looking. A dual diagnosis tdoc and/or group would probably do a great deal for him right now. Not that an individual group for one or the other won't help, it's just one dealing with both issues is probably what he needs most right now.


Check into that and see what you can find. As for giving you hope........hon, there's always hope! You may not always see it, or know it's there, but that is why we are here on this board. For right now, let us be your hope. Come to us, vent, scream, cry or whatever........we're here for you. You will get through this.


Love & HUgs,
Traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2005
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 2:51pm
You go girl!!! It's awful to know one thing (his problems) and then know another (his good traits). It's hard to reconcile the two. But you are right to go ahead and get custody rights. You've gotta deal with what's in front of you. It sounds like you are doing that.
Hugs,
Mary
Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sat, 10-22-2005 - 3:43pm

Dh has regressed into believing he is not bipolar. I've mentioned to him the downtown clinic that is for bipolar and he will not listen. I asked him if he told this other clinic if he told him about the bipolar he said no.

We've had a fight today because he has not fullfilled his agreement to be in treatment by Monday and I think it is now too late for me to be able to influence his life at all.

I hate the day he is going to come to and find out where he really is. I just don't know what else to do but tough-love. It's too hard on me & my 3yo just to wait it out. Not without knowing when there is an end. In my research I've found a manic episode can last 12 mos. I don't think I'll have any self-diginity left in 12 mos.

Thanks for listening,
Bonnie




"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng