Agreement was not fullfilled....
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| Sat, 10-22-2005 - 3:30pm |
I DO NOT WANT A DIVORCE not one ounce in my heart does. But I also have myself & my children to look after. I don't know if this approach is the best for bipolar, but I know it is the approach for alcoholism and it has failed.
Last Monday he called 15 minutes before I called a lawyer. I asked him if he wanted me to file, he said no. So I told him I would expect him to be in intensive outpatient care first thing Monday morning (following Monday). If he could not be assessed by telephone then he had to get back up here to be assessed so that treatment would begin no later than Monday morning. If he was not in treatment by 9AM Monday I am to call the lawyer (he doesn't know I already have & have an apt on Wed - but that is just sort of an orientation thing anyway, nothing had to be decided but let me know what my legal rights are).
Well, he is to be assess on Tuesday to join a program that is 3 hours a day, that is not intensive. He is still drinking and taking the Librium. So it's obvious he cannot detox on his own. The only way to get into a hospital immediately is to claim to be a threat to yourself.
So I told him the only way for him to fullfill the agreement now is to be here by Monday morning and go into the ER & state he has had suicidal thoughts (which is not lying, already, twice last week he nearly took pills - one time they were actually even in his mouth, but he spit them back into the bottle).
He told me to contact a lawyer as he will be doing so himself.
This may seem harsh as he was going to talk to somebody on Tuesday, but it's been 3 weeks of him going to see somebody, going to call somebody, making half-attempts and allowing them to fail. Running off to California twice during this phase is not seeing your recovery through.
He's already been on leave of absence from work for 3 weeks. So far he's been treating it like a vacation. I asked him what he was doing in California and he said he was just hanging out, watching movies and stuff ... he even mentioned HER taking him to a bar one night ... yeah, she's real good for him, not an enabler at all. (I stopped drinking with dh 7 yrs ago. I would not buy him alcohol, would not hang out with while drinking - in fact he had to go down into his office (including sleep) if he had been drinking.... this is where our seperation really began.)
Like I said in a previous post, I concentrated more on the drinking than the bipolar. I wish I had studied the other way.
Anyway, it sounds like the war has begun. I really wish this therapist would call me back. I want to talk with him b/c dh has already been seeing him so he'll already know some background of me and our situation. (It was dh idea we share the same therapist.)
GIVE ME STRENGTH. IN MY HEART I'M STILL WISHING SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. BUT I HAVE TO KEEP ME & MY CHILDREN SAFETY (mentally) TO AN UPMOST.
I was 3 yrs old when my father started his affair. I know how it effected me. I feel so much for my son, I hope I do better than my mom did in trying to repair.
Thanks for listening,
Bonnie

Bonnie,
There is no easy answer on this one, unfortunately.
Bonnie,
I'm with Marci on this one. After reading your reply to my other thread, and then this one, I think maybe the hardline approach is probably the best option right now.
Maybe as Marci suggested the lawyer will be enough of a wake-up call to dh to get him to wake up to the seriousness of his illnesses. I hadn't even thought of suggesting Al-anon! I've been in it for 6 years and it has helped me through some really rough spots. Do look into it. I have found it to be very helpful. And, as I said earlier, the ladies here are fabulous too:)
Keep the focus on you is the most important thing right now. Because your children are counting on that. DH is, unfortunately, going to do what he is going to do. That's a given for the moment. Talk to your tdoc, talk with the lawyer, and go from there. Your children will be fine I'm sure. Yes, it will be rough at first, but you love them and they know that. You will do the best you can do and they will know that.
You may not feel it right now, but you are STRONG! It takes a great deal of strength to come as far as you have. And your strength will carry you the rest of the way. You now have extra support here as well. Keep us posted.
Love & Hugs,
Traci
{{{{{{{{{Bonnie}}}}}}}}
I don't really have any answers for you, and I am sorry for that. I can offer hugs, support, and prayer though. One comment about your dh: unfortunately, sometimes a person has to lose everything before they know what they have.
Express!
Beth "Petrouchka"
Thank you all.
I have already checked into Alanon, Monday nights. But I have no idea what to do with my kids. He is on leave of absence & has already been gone long enough that there will be no more pay. Unfortunately, I'm a self-contract web designer who works from home, which we decided this was the best thing for our kids. But the only way I could do this is by dh being my tech support. My computer died 2 days after he left, he took all of the software with him. The PC shop could not fix it so I have save everything from my HD & reload windows, which will wipe off any software. The software I need is extremely expensive. So I fear I'm going to loose my job as well. Where am I going to get a job that will pay enough to cover bills & 2 children in daycare? Especially someplace that the unemployment rate is the highest, or at least was at last check, in the country.
I'm just sick!! I tried to go to the PC shop to pick up my computer today but started to hyperventalate so bad I had to turn around & call a friend to go pick it up for me. (I suffer from PMDD - hormones which cause anxiety attacks.)
So not only is he going to lose everything, so am I. It will probably end up we stay married for the simple fact we cannot afford a divorce.
**And to think we were on the higher-end of middle class just a few short months ago.
So I have been trying to get online alanon meetings.
Thanks again,
Bonnie
******************
Edited to say: My friend brought my computer to me. I guess the PC Shop continued to work on my computer after I talked to them this morning & I am able to get on. They did suggest I back everything up just in case, but it is working.
finally a little light in my day!!
Edited 10/22/2005 7:40 pm ET by firstglimpse
"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."
~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
You are doing great. Trust your feelings. You are right.
Mary
you are doing everything right.
Bonnie
I'm so sorry you are going thru this...not an easy thing at all.
I wish the best for you, dh and the kids.
God could not be everywhere, so