Why does he keep saying he loves me?
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| Sun, 10-23-2005 - 12:28pm |
If dh is in a mixed state manic of bipolar does that mean he may come out of his delusions every now and then? He called this morning and sounded sane for the moment. Hearing his voice like this makes my heart ache with love instead of hating him. Before hanging up he said, as he's been saying off and on through this, 'you do know I love you?' Oh that hurts! Why can he not see how much that hurts?
I said, 'how, how can I know that?' Then I told him if he checked his emails he will see that I'm learning to live without his love.
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EMAIL SENT THIS MORNING:
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When I was about 10 years old I wrote a poem of a little girl sitting in a dark corner with no one’s arms wrapped around her but the arms of a blanket. I felt so alone, so unwanted.
In these past two months I feel as though I’ve even lost the blanket that wrapped itself around me. I am bare. But now I’m realizing, I have arms, it’s time to wrap them around myself.
I had promised you when we got married if you wanted out I would not fight it. Now look what I’m doing. I thought I had more self-respect. Why would I try to get someone who so obviously does not want me any longer to remain in my life? I am ashamed of myself. This is probably the most self-depreciating thing I’ve ever done. I need to stop.
I don’t think I can ever stop loving and wanting you. You have meant too much to me for too long. This is why I wish you health and well-being.
Eternal Love,
Bonnie Jean
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He is still planning on going to the assessment on Tuesday. I asked him if he is going to tell them he is bipolar as that would probably change the recovery program. He said he will.
QUESTION: He is meeting a potential roommate on Tuesday as well (a father seeking father). Dh is returning tomorrow, Monday. There has been no mention of where he is staying for the night.
I don't know if he assumes he'll be staying here or if he's waiting for me to offer. A part of me wants him to stay here, another part says it will confuse ds, another part of me says I should not want him to stay here, but then I remember he is sick and not in complete control of his actions. What are your suggestions?
Thanks for listening,
Bonnie

Bonnie,
It's entirely possibel through all of what he's doing that he truly does love you--BP can make us do things we know are wrong even as we're doing them, but are powerless to control our actions.
He does still love you, in my opinion. I still loved my DH more than anything in the world. My affair when I was manic was something I felt compelled to do. Its SOOOOOOOOO hard to explain. I wish I could, to help you understand, but I just can't. Mania isn't something that can really be explained, as it manifests itself in so many different ways in different people...mine was such a high for me...i was soooo euphoric, and nothing could top that for me...why would i stop? but i still loved everyone in my life exactly the same! more maybe! then when i crashed (as we ALL do), i needed my dh and my family even more than ever before in my life...i had no friends left...manic friends don't last...they aren't there when the party is over...
i had to pick up the pieces of my life one by one...all by myself...but i did it...and so will your dh...if you're there for him, it will be easier for him...but maybe you have to let him begin??? i know i learned a hard lesson that way...and even when i DO get manic now, I KNOW BETTER!!!!
i am not trying to confuse you, so i guess i should stop talking. if you have other questions, please just ask me...i've btdt, but from your dh's side...